8月12日
【3】TOPIC #006:
How do movies and television influence people's behavior? Use specific details to support your answer.
原文（4.5分左右）:
(1)Movies and Television have significant influence on people's behavior. (2)People want to look up to their role models and superstars. (3)Over the years, movies and television have changed the way people dress, act, react, and in the way they speak. (4) In the lines below, reasons and specific details are inhibited to support my answer.
（1） Movies and television have a significant influence on people’s behavior.
（2） We see all kinds of characters emerge on the screen – clever detectives aggressively pushing people to give them clues, gorgeous models gyrating around to sensual music, cruel villains making the innocent suffer, and countless others.
（3） Someone, somewhere, is always ready to imitate these characters and those who play them. （4） Indeed, some actors are hard to distinguish from the people they play.
笔记：
第1句：注意：a influence on。这句没有做很大的修改，作者开篇点题。
第2、3、4句：这个有比较大的修改。原文讲的，我觉得比较空，因为他说人们尊重他们喜欢的演员和明星，电视和电影在人们的衣着、行为反应和说话方式方面都有很大的影响。这个帽子是很大的，我觉得不能说错，但是给人的印象不深。
看修改的部分，这个需要我们体会的，我觉得这个开篇开的很好的，直接用形象的例子来描述我们能看到的characters，比如侦探，模特，歹徒。然后点出这些丰富的角色和其扮演者，有很多人在不同的地方都在模仿（直接infer出影响力）有时候角色和真人已经分不开了。同样四句话，由于生动的例子的加入我们就觉得这个影响力就在周围，很容易接受。
这一段的作用，我觉得是点题，同时为了后续的陈述铺垫好一层背景，让读者置身到作者设置的这个环境中，从而更容易理解作者将要出示的论点。
（5）Movies and television have influenced people's way of dressing. （6）Role models like fashion models, singers, or actors are examples for people's way of dressing or even hairstyle. （7）For example, many teenagers would dress in jeans like the one's Britney Spears had, or they would buy a product just because a superstar wear it. （8）Furthermore, if we look to a big example like Marilin Monroe, we find many women dying their hair in blond just because Marilin Monroe was blond and successful.
（5）The most obvious example of the movie and TV’s influence is people’s desire to dress like their idols. （6） As early as the 1950’s, women were dyeing their hair to be blonde like that of the legendary starlet, Marilyn Monroe. （7） Today, young girls want to wear whatever pop star Britney Spears is wearing – be it a pair of fashionably scuffed-up jeans or an alluring navel ring. （8） Men play this game too, donning outrageous outfits like those of their favorite rock bands.
笔记：
同样也是四句话。但是，改后的第5句直接概括了原文的5、6句，更加精炼。然后改后的时间顺序是前进的，这样逻辑思维比较清楚。同样，讲布兰妮的时候，用scuffed-up（应该是那种比较长的拖地的牛仔裤，然后做旧的那种）来修饰jeans我们一下子就觉得特别贴切，马上就能想得到的一种流行方式；同时对于原文的product，改后用了脐环来表达。同时增加了一句有关men的模仿形式。比如outrageous outfits。这样覆盖面比较广（时代性，男女），非常客观。
这里我觉得学习的东西在于：简和繁的把握。我们常常在该精炼的地方拖沓，在该细致的地方不深入，这样就不容易打动人。比如，在段落的开头，往往会阐述论点，这个段落中心句的标准应该是精简干练，能用一个词表达就一个词表达，比如idols, 完全涵盖了 fashion model, singer, and actors，非常精干。还有就是原文的第6句，even hairstyle，这个部分，应该来说是我们比较熟悉的结构，说实话，我之前就常常在句子后面来一个even……之类，还以为自己就做到了细节。现在看了改后的6分作文，才明白，细节不是靠词语的雕琢虚出来的，真正的细节，是具体的，贴近生活的真实的感觉和例子，即使编，也要编的真实。
繁，就是深入，把该表达的表达清楚。这个细节是需要挖掘的，不是蜻蜓点水的。不是例举出来人名就是细节。你看改后的6分作文，1950年代的玛丽莲梦露的金发碧眼；现在布兰妮的做旧风格裤子，和脐环；男孩模范摇滚明星的一些造型。非常的具体。这个就是深下来的东西。
原文第7句
这一句的主要问题在于时态。要注意would的用法。Would与would like to 并不是同一个意思也不可以通用。在这个句子的would都是would like to 的意思，要么改成后者要么就干脆删掉。另外，had的用法也不对，改成wears或是worn比较正确。
（9）As to the question how television and movies influence people's way of acting and reacting, lots of examples could be provided. (10)People tend to follow the life style they see on the scene. (11)We can refer to the "Flower Power", the Hippies in the 70's.(12) In the 70's, people have a certain way of and acting due to special acting style on televisions and movies. (13)They would listen to the same music, watch the same subjects and live in the same way. (14)For another instance, romantic movies make us to think more about love so we behave differently, other movies teach us important lessons about life, and then, we intend to be better persons.
(15)Television and movies have a big impact in the way we speak. (16)People take ideas from what their role models say and then imitate them. (17)For example, many youngsters in China have the same accent as Steven Chow has on the scene, a famous comedy actor in Hong Kong. (18)Human beings want to be interesting and famous, so talking like somebody famous could make them enjoy themselves. (19)In all our lives we tend to reach our goals, we want to be someone famous. (20)By looking up to someone famous and borrow some of his/her behavior, some people reach the goals that they have never achieved.
（9）Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.
（10）Many youngsters in China imitate the distinctive Hong Kong accent of comedian Steven Chow. （11） Youth virtually everywhere in the United States are sounding more and more like Californians because so many television shows and films come out of Hollywood. （12） And consumers of media don’t just want to have fashionable accents; they want to carry on whole conversations in the sophisticated, glamorous rhythms of the people they see on the screen. （13） What man has never felt the urge to crush an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?
（14）The truth is that movies and television affect their viewers at the deepest level – at the level of worldview, values, and consequent behavior. （15） For instance, numerous sports movies convey the idea that one must set goals and work hard to achieve them. （16） Media can inspire in this way. （17） On the other hand, there are countless sources of entertainment that portray violence as a desirable way to solve problems – or as the most practical solution, at any rate. （18） Ordinary people watch soap operas to escape to a fictional world of fast living and luxury, but they often show their enthusiasm by imitating the petty, arrogant, self-absorbed personages in these shows who supposedly represent the wealthy.
这个主体部分的改动比较大的。
原文的第三段删掉了，我觉得原文在思维上有些混乱，他举的例子是电影电视影响人们的生活方式；然后说影响人们的说话方式。这个逻辑不是很清楚。第一，生活方式是一个很广的词汇，acting and reacting这个概念也很含糊。原文支持的论据是：”Flower Power”和浪漫的电影。但是这个表述表达的也很含糊，说人们会追随”FP”听歌，和他们的生活方式，但是这个让人听得觉得很空，浪漫电影让我们思考爱情，所以我们的行为differently，但是就近怎么different, 怎么影响，在读完这一段，我们还是不能有很好的概念。
修改的部分承认了原文的影响人们说话方式的这一段。看原文的第15、16句，对比改后的第9句，
我们可以感到精简和细节的融合。Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.
Deeper,表现出段落的递进，accents and patterns也非常具体。举例，改后沿用了香港的”Steven Chow”原文的have，我觉得不准确，因为他的口音是人们模仿而来的，不是天生具备的，所以用imitate要好点，增加了因为好莱坞一个人们蜂拥而至美国加州的例子，使文章丰富，同时也显得例证不单薄，最后表明人们想学的，不仅仅是口音，还有所有的方式。
最后采用疑问句收尾：What man has never felt the urge to crush an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?
这个句子我觉得也很经典的。属于我们不大会用的句法之一。用疑问句做例子，同时表达人们想要模仿的是角色的一种思想。
新增的这一段，首先我想说的是注意“deepest”这个词，前一段有个词是deeper,论点的展开一共三段，层层递进的关系非常清楚，内容讲述也是：从外表的模仿，到说话的方式到世界观价值观和行为的影响，从内容到结构上都非常严谨，这个我觉得是应该学习的，我们在驾驭英文作文的时候，很容易就会说空话。这个给人的感觉，要么就是逻辑不够严谨，要么就是说话人无话可说。相信写过论文的同学都有感觉，当定论文题目的时候，通常是范围越小，越容易把问题说清楚。托福作文大多是议论文，所以在结构和内容的要求上，都是越严谨，越切合实际，越好。
对于世界观和价值观影响的论证，一共举了三个例子，一个正面（体育电影让人们努力取得成绩）两个反面（很多剧情诱导人们暴力是解决问题的最好途径；看肥皂剧摆脱现实但是变得虚荣）。它的概念很大，但是例子非常具体贴切。文章中一共举了很多例子，但是都特别贴切，非常容易让人接受。这个是我们在写作中应该特别注意的。
改后第10句
改后比原文更符合逻辑以及文章主题的要求，也更简洁。这里突出的是imitate这个词，而非have the same accent，要注意根据文章需要选择适当的动词。而且尽量使词语富有变化性，不要一直用have, get, go这种过于概括的词。
改后第13句
如果你有几个例子可以举的话，通常三个比较易于接受。而且这三个的句式最好富于变化或者用一个句子把它们统一起来。这里，在用了两个陈述句后，采用了一个反问句，行文更为活泼。但注意在用疑问句的时候，避免太过于口语化。
原文第14句
原文中的For another instance, romantic movies make us to think more about love so we behave differently, other movies teach us important lessons about life, and then, we intend to be better persons.
这一句开头说举一个例子，但实际上给出了两个很不具体的例子。如果举例的话应注意例子一定要具体，如果泛泛而谈的话，就不能叫例子了。另外，也没有for another instance这种说法。For instance是一个固定词组，另外举例可以是give another example/instance。不要想当然地改变某个固定词组。
（21）Movie and television form a very powerful means of communication, and they have influenced people's behavior in various fields.（22）Sometimes it occurs in a positive, sometimes in a negative manner, depending on what we pick up from television and movies and add to our behavior.
（19）Some people will always imitate speech and actions that they see numerous times, even when the speech and actions are downright reprehensible.
（20）Indeed, people from all belief systems have complained that the media are making society more violent, reckless, and uncaring with these portrayals. （21） What we can tell artists to portray or not to portray is for another essay. （22） However, it is undeniable that life imitates art to a great degree.
结尾段，同样也是非常重要的一段。原文在结尾中也提到了negative manner，但是这个在前文中并没有提过，这么出现在结尾段中，是非常唐突的。而且，最后一句收尾并不好，因为我们从影视中选择什么不是这个话题。我们讨论的是影视对我们有没有影响，而不是有什么样的影响，这个也是要非常注意的一点。
看修改后的文字。看21句，也是非常好的思路，一方面继续肯定了人们会模仿一些言论和行为（对于上文的延续），一方面讲有甚至一些是不好的（对前一段呼应），这个句子的思路很完整的，然后22句继续讲我们觉得的不好的因素，但是第21句马上就说，这个不是我们讨论的范围，22句直接点题，不管好不好，影视都已经非常深入的影响了我们的生活。
整篇文章，正面阐述+反面驳斥，思路非常的完整。我觉得这篇文章最值得学习和玩味的就是作者的思路。严谨，完整。非常的客观。结构上层层递进，段与段之间相呼应，段与文章之间也相呼应，是写作初期思路规范中非常好的典范。
专家修改（6分）:
（1） Movies and television have a significant influence on people’s behavior.
（2） We see all kinds of characters emerge on the screen – clever detectives aggressively pushing people to give them clues, gorgeous models gyrating around to sensual music, cruel villains making the innocent suffer, and countless others.
（3） Someone, somewhere, is always ready to imitate these characters and those who play them. （4） Indeed, some actors are hard to distinguish from the people they play.
（5）The most obvious example of the movie and TV’s influence is people’s desire to dress like their idols. （6） As early as the 1950’s, women were dyeing their hair to be blonde like that of the legendary starlet, Marilyn Monroe. （7） Today, young girls want to wear whatever pop star Britney Spears is wearing – be it a pair of fashionably scuffed-up jeans or an alluring navel ring. （8） Men play this game too, donning outrageous outfits like those of their favorite rock bands.
（9）Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.
（10）Many youngsters in China imitate the distinctive Hong Kong accent of comedian Steven Chow. （11） Youth virtually everywhere in the United States are sounding more and more like Californians because so many television shows and films come out of Hollywood. （12） And consumers of media don’t just want to have fashionable accents; they want to carry on whole conversations in the sophisticated, glamorous rhythms of the people they see on the screen. （13） What man has never felt the urge to crush an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?
（14）The truth is that movies and television affect their viewers at the deepest level – at the level of worldview, values, and consequent behavior. （15） For instance, numerous sports movies convey the idea that one must set goals and work hard to achieve them. （16） Media can inspire in this way. （17） On the other hand, there are countless sources of entertainment that portray violence as a desirable way to solve problems – or as the most practical solution, at any rate. （18） Ordinary people watch soap operas to escape to a fictional world of fast living and luxury, but they often show their enthusiasm by imitating the petty, arrogant, self-absorbed personages in these shows who supposedly represent the wealthy.
（19）Some people will always imitate speech and actions that they see numerous times, even when the speech and actions are downright reprehensible.
（20）Indeed, people from all belief systems have complained that the media are making society more violent, reckless, and uncaring with these portrayals. （21） What we can tell artists to portray or not to portray is for another essay. （22） However, it is undeniable that life imitates art to a great degree.
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本帖最后由 棉花糖落落 于 2008-8-12 18:22 编辑 ]
