查看完整版本: 改了别人的两篇作文，交上一篇自己的，大家帮忙都看看

改了别人的两篇作文，交上一篇自己的，大家帮忙都看看

[font=宋体]先说[/font][font=Times New Roman]marvelousvera[/font][font=宋体]同学的[/font]
[font=宋体]地址：[/font][font=Times New Roman]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-8931-1-1.html[/font]
[font=宋体]第一段吧，有这么几处我觉得不妥[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]1 [/font][font=宋体]第一句的[/font][font=Times New Roman]by the students[/font][font=宋体]有点多余，被动语态本身就是可以省略大家都心知肚明的施动主体。[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]2
prefer [/font][font=宋体]的用法：[/font][font=Times New Roman]prefer sth /sb rather than
[/font][font=宋体]或者[/font][font=Times New Roman] prefer sth / sb to [/font]
[font=宋体]也就是说这一句“[/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]Some professors prefer to give scores solely based on exams,[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]”应该是[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] Some professors prefer giving scores solely based on exams,[/font][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]3 [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]前面是[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]some [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]后面就应该是[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]other [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]了，因为在这个作文里不存在第三种评分情况。[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][/size]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第二段[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]1[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]俺觉得主体句得完整一点[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]“[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]it is fair for the student[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]”有点太简单了，虽然直接承上文。[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]First and foremost, considering participation as an element of scoring is fair to those students who are always active in class. [/font][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]2
be good at test [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]就行[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]不用加[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]having [/font][/size]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]同样下面，与擅长相似的说法还有，[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]excel in,expert at/in/on, good at, proficient at,strong in [/font][/size]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]所以不用重复使用[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] be good at[/font][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]3 [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]呃[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]…[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔误吧——[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] Taking one of [b]mine friend[/b] Jackie as an example[/font][/size]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]应该是[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] Taking one of my friends Jackie as an example[/font][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]4 attend class [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]是固定搭配，上课的意思，[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]Jackie [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]应该是去上课的，只不过不参加课堂讨论。题目是[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]Participation [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]“参与”而非“上课”。所以不能这么说，我建议用[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]She seldom takes part in class talking.[/font][/size]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第三段，作文中表达[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]important [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的说法还有[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] essential/vital/significate/crucial[/font][/size]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]关于考试前开夜车有个专门的词叫“[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]cram” ,[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一句‘[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]Taking class participation as part of the grades will encourage the students to work harder in the whole semester instead of staying out late during the final exam to make up the missed part.[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]’可以改为[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]Taking class participation as part of the grades will encourage the students to work harder in the whole semester instead of cramming before the exam. [/font][/size]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第四段[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]1[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]既然你的观点是[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]两者都要考虑，且第三段又说[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]参与比考试还重要，那么这一段是不是不应该用太多[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]best[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]或者[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]most [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]啥的[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]2 [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]学习知识[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] obtain/acquire knowledge [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]不重复[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]gain knowledge[/font][/size]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]3 [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第一句话其实没看懂。。。[/size][/font][size=10.5pt][/size]
[font=Times New Roman]4 With a better understanding of the knowledge, the students will of course improve their expertise in certain area.[size=1pt]6 l[/size][size=1pt]6 q% t; l7[/size][/font]
[font=宋体]中式英语，[/font][font=Times New Roman]will definitely[/font]
[font=宋体]最后一段[/font]
[font=宋体]最后两句得不出因果关系吧，不能说学生既会运用知识，又能记住知识是对以后很重要的，所以请根据学生课堂表现评分。逻辑不通。[/font]
[font=宋体]这里发现一个问题，就是这个题目应该怎么审。我理解的是“有的老师只根据最后的考试评分，有的老师通过参考学生的课堂参与和最后考试来评分”而不是“有的老师通过参考学生的课堂出勤和最后考试来评分”。这位同学前面讲的是出勤，后面又说是参与，是自相矛盾还是英语中确实一词多义请大家评一评应该怎么理解这个题目[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=宋体]试评[/font][font=Times New Roman]Shawn0311[/font][font=宋体]同学的作文[/font]
[font=宋体]地址：[/font][url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-9212-1-1.html][font=Times New Roman][color=#800080]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-9212-1-1.html[/color][/font][/url]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=宋体]第一段：[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]1[/font][font=宋体]你前面的现象已经说了大部分人拥护，后面又说了有人反对，用不着再反过头来说拥护者的意见了。[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]2 I agree with the latter one. Latter [/font][font=宋体]是形容词，估计是笔误。[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]3 [/font][font=宋体]名胜古迹[/font][font=Times New Roman] famous spot,[/font]
[font=宋体]第二段[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]1Due to the advice of her classmates, [/font][font=宋体]我觉得要是说[/font][font=Times New Roman] following the advice of her classmates,[/font][font=宋体]更好一些[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]2she often travels [/font][font=宋体]笔误。。[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]3numerous evidence points the idea mentioned above
point [/font][font=宋体]有这个用法吗？[/font][font=Times New Roman] [/font][font=宋体]要是用这个句子里的词，[/font][font=Times New Roman]numerous examples can evidence the truth of the idea mentioned above[/font]
[font=宋体]第三段[/font][font=Times New Roman] Additionally, though it can save a lot of money, who is going to deny that almost every traveler is forced to go shopping during the trip by tour guides? [/font][font=宋体]中式英语啊。。。[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Travelers are often led by a tour guide to do shopping during a trip, which sometimes is a waste of time.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=宋体]最后一段[/font]
[font=宋体]但是不好的导游总在少数，大多数的导游还是有责任心。。。的。正因为如此，我们在旅游时应该跟随导游的指引。并且有关部门应该提高导游的职业素质。。。[/font]
[font=宋体]是不是这个逻辑更好一点[/font]
[font=宋体]不然那一段有点与你的观点矛盾。[/font]

自己的

这一篇是我自己的，大家帮忙看看~

题目：Movies are popular all over the world. Explain why movies are so popular. Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

正文：
[font=Times New Roman]In 1895, two brothers shared one short piece of 'motion pictures' with other guests in a small bar. Although it is only a few seconds without any story elements, it is the first movie in the world. Recently, movie has been well-accepted the world over. Why do people love movies? Why do they prefer seeing movie to other means of entertainment such as watching TV or reading books? As far as I concerned, the increasing number of cinema, the sight-based storytelling methods, the unique watching circumstance and the fantastic sound effects are main reasons for these questions.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Millions of cinemas have been established both in urban and rural. And the number of cinemas has been increased. According to China Daily, the Chinese version of Times, there were almost fifty high-standard cinemas built in every province of China last year, and that would be more than 1,500 new cinemas without counting normal ones. Cinemas are to the movie what roots to a tree. It is so easy to go to cinema that movies become more and more popular.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Sight-based storytelling methods is another reason to explain why movie is loved. This special telling mode makes it easier for people, especially children, to capture the story. Take my 7-year-old brother Bob for example. He is a fan of Harry Potter. But he likes movie version rather than the book. 'It is hard for me to read such a thick book', said Bob, 'but I can clearly know what happened on Harry by movies.' The colorful motion pictures and vivid figures help people understand stories, so that movies become so popular among youth.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Finally, the unique watching circumstance and fantastic sound effects play important roles on movie acceptation. Compared with watching TV, people watch movies in a more independent circumstance. Although there may be one hundred people watching together, chatting is not allowed. It makes people fully concentrate in one movie. Also, the fantastic sound effects are always drawing people's attention on the film. The more people understand one movie, the deeper they like it. It is these two elements that make film popular.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]To summarize, movies occupy the essential seat in people's leisure time. There are a large number of cinemas, so everyone has opportunity to watch movies. The ideal storytelling way help children understand easily. People enjoy themselves in a quiet circumstance and are crazy about the sound effects. It is said that the price of tickets will be cheaper from this March. Movies will do be more popular then.[/font]


大家互相学习~

[[i] 本帖最后由 招财猫加油 于 2008-2-20 17:14 编辑 [/i]]

Movies are popular all over the world. Explain why movies are so popular. Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

if using  hundrds of  words explain why  movies are populer prior to other entertaining  and amused  products ,i am going to use 3 yes questions building up the theme.

哈哈。这样写可以吗谢谢啊

呃...没人理我啊...

先略看鸟一下······
恩偶觉得捏最后一段要改进一点点啊~~~~首先是The idea OF storytelling way``````
然后就是最后两句话改为一句长点D句子会好些，去掉It is said...

:loveliness: 没怎么细看，马上回来再观摩···：）
偶得去找点吃D了，饿！！~~~:L
加油加油

PS：[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-9279-1-1.html[/url]
这是偶“临行”前D一篇鸟······
互相“观摩”欢迎板子转头一起砸·····

恩恩...LZ的开头不错，问句也很好啊，就是有些小小D那种语法错误，估计是打慌了（你放心，这方面偶是绝对D无敌了可以帮u垫底~~）
比如说，as far as I AM concerned...还有Recently貌似显得有些突兀，我D**储存量也不多，想到的只有As time passed by 这种老**了...

类似的就是第二段不要用Normal ones（好像我们老师说它很CHIN~~），用average会比较好‘It is so easy to go to cinema that movies become more and more popular.’这句话有点不通吧~    【还有介于第4段有个Finally，所以最好前面两段还是有一个类似连接词，或将Finally改一下】Bob的例子也不错~

Finally，就是concentrate ON 和结尾的问题鸟~~~~occupy the essential seat 行吗？好像我还没有见过
不知了...
加强点衔接和改些词句之类的改进，LZ的文章就更好了吧···现在已经不错了例子开头之类的都都不错哦:loveliness:
加油！！~~~