查看完整版本: 第61题。好心人，帮忙修改一下！写的烂，望指教，共进步！！

第61题。好心人，帮忙修改一下！写的烂，望指教，共进步！！

61. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their older (15 to 18 year-old) teenage children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Confucius, the greatest philosopher and most influential educator of ancient china, was quoted in the Analects saying, “Children should not rely everything on parents, and should try to learn from their own decisions.” But, nowadays, parents in growing numbers frequently make important decisions for their teenage children. However, personally I strongly disagree with this action.

To begin with, some parents are not intelligent enough to help their children to make decisions. Take Charles Dickens, the greatest english novelist in 19th century and the most accomplished writer in Victorian’s period, for example. Franklin grew up in a poor family. His father always spent more than he earned and even was sent to jail because of unpaid debt, which caused Franklin to leave school at the age of 12 and work in a shoe-polish factory. It was absolutely that Franklin would gain nothing from his parents. However, in such situation, Franklin still decided to learn by himself. With the idea of never giving up and hard working, Franklin finally realized his dream to be a published writer.

However, children would probably gain tremendous success if they were permitted to make decisions themselves. Bill Gates is a case of point. While as a high school student, Gates created his first company with his friend Allen Paul. At the age of 19, he started Micro Soft. Surprisingly enough, Gates decided himself to drop out of his university at his journey year. This decision proved enormously valuable to his later success. And now, Gates becomes the richest man in the world.

Besides, experts also said that by making decisions themselves, children can greatly improve their skills for survival. And from the information I collected these few years leads me to believe that even though the decision finally turned to be a failure, children can also obtain a lot from their experiences. At least, they will not confront the mistake again in the future.

Although, with the decisions of parents, children do can have a high possibility to success, and make them confident as a result. But there is finally one day, children will no longer get help from their parents, they must rely on themselves. At that time, they will be bond to regret and suffer a lot.

So, from what has been discussed above, I convince that it is wise and beneficial for the parents to allow their children to make decisions themselves.

[[i] 本帖最后由 mh007 于 2007-12-28 22:17 编辑 [/i]]

互改 规则我明白！

正积攒中。。。。

[url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=6755&pid=86478&page=1&extra=page%3D1]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=6755&pid=86478&page=1&extra=page%3D1[/url]


[size=6]望好心人光临，拍砖。。。[/size]

[[i] 本帖最后由 mh007 于 2007-12-26 16:53 编辑 [/i]]

哈哈  我水平比较低

His father always spent more than he earned and even was sent to jail because of unpaid debt, which caused Franklin to leave school at the age of 12 and work in a shoe-polish factory.

and 连接  动词要一致  worked in a shoe-polish factory

And from the information I collected these few years leads me to believe that even though the decision finally turned to be a failure

MS定语从句加一个引导词更好一些 或者是 leading me to ...因为这句话结构不是很清楚 总觉得有点别扭 不妨这样写 and as the information began to accumulate, I felt obliged to believe that ...

LZ的句子结构用的还是很好的  有很多亮点 如 With the idea of never giving up and hard working, Franklin finally realized his dream to be a published writer.

另外 论据很充分 文章结构也很好 继续加油吧

Take Charles Franklin, the greatest english novelist in 19th century and the most accomplished writer in Victorian’s period,是这样吗？

And from the information I collected these few years leads me to believe that even though the decision finally turned to be a failure 过于绝对了

children do can have a high possibility to success, and make them confident as a result. But there is finally one day, children will no longer get help from their parents, they must rely on themselves同理这句说的绝对了。

At that time, they will be bond to regret and suffer a lot.这句能否说清楚些呢。
Regret what?

优点我就不说了，可以改进的以上已提出。
觉得最后一段不是很清楚。
举例的内容占了段子的大量篇幅，可以精简的概括吧，我个人认为。:)

But, nowadays, parents in growing numbers frequently make important decisions for their teenage children..

可以写成：

nowadays, however, the growing numbers of parents make important decisions for their teenage children frequently.

句式要多样化

回复 #5 heqiongsophie 的帖子

呵呵，谢谢高手的指教！！
现在我比较头疼的是  将例子精简以后，我就不知道说些什么了，一两句话后就写不出来了:'( 。
你有什么建议吗？  或者你是怎么写的呢？

谢谢大家的意见，咱们一起加油，哈哈。。。

第二段的例子应该是 Charles Dickens 吧，写给老美看得，他们应该更了解这些名人吧，尽量不要给人改名。

回复 #9 pickangel 的帖子

:L   你观察真仔细
背错了，呵呵。。。万分感谢！！！:loveliness:

His father always spent more than he earned and even was sent to jail because of unpaid debt
个人觉得用even 不对，应该改为eventually
It was absolutely that ....absolutely后面怎么没词了？
还有Charls Dickens的童年遭遇和parent not intellegent to make dicision似乎没有什么必然联系啊
且，第三段开头的however很奇怪，难道和前文不是顺承关系？Bill Gates drop out of school 和permitted to make decisions themselves有什么关系，你知道他父母permit了吗？
优点楼上的各位都说了，我就想说每段的论证一定要根据每段的主题句论述
finally,个人观点，经供参考

回复 #11 willrock 的帖子

呵呵，谢谢了:D

写完觉得还行，原来有这么多不足，哈哈，身在此山中啊。。。:L

很受启发，一起加油:victory: 。

并希望能在今后的练习中继续指点:handshake