查看完整版本: 写的一篇作文，第二段是参照的范文，望高手给修改，指正，非常感谢

写的一篇作文，第二段是参照的范文，望高手给修改，指正，非常感谢

Food has become easier to prpare. His this change improved the way people live?

As the old saying of china ,"Bread is the staff of life". Begining with the period of ape man, food, berond all doubt, is most important in people's lives. From hunting beast for eating fresh meat, to planting corn relying on different seasons, and then to toady's getting sundry of food in different seasons, the way people preparing for food has great advancement. With its development, it do improve our lives.

For starters, people today can prepare their meal much easier than has ever been before. To prepare a single dinner , provident housewives usually had to work for hours in the past: they had to buy home dirty vegetables which had to wash, meat which had to slice , and so on so forth. Each and every step of preparation was a time-consuming task. But now, things are entirelt different. Supermarkets provide vegetables, mean clean and neat, some of them even have relevant ingredient and with the invention of microwave oven, it only need a few minutes to be made into delicious meals.Nowsdays much portable, prepackaged food can be seen everywhere, which is very well-suited for busy people.

Furthermore, today's people can easily get various kinds of food in any season. we all vividly remembered the people in Tang dynasty, which we studied in our middle school, who are tired to death for getting litchi form far distance for their empress. And now these things by no means happen again. Thanks to the refrigerator, and other mathine can fresh food, we can get sundry food in different seasons and from various regions, which make today's people live a ancient emperor's life in every day.

In addition, nowadays it is much more healthy eating food than before . Much healthy food, which contains low fat, calories and cholesterol and much nutrition , is on sale everywhere. It make people achieve well-liking lives.Of course, such a change has also brought some unexpected consequences. For example, the radiation of microwave oven is not good for people's body. But if you can use it in correct ways, its positive facets would get the run upon its negative ones.

To put it in a nutshell, the change of food becoming much easier to prepare do improve the people's life. It not only save us much time on cooking, but also make us taste different food in any season all around the world. And we can not forget that today's food make us more healthy.

[[i] 本帖最后由 pickangel 于 2007-12-16 12:52 编辑 [/i]]

条理很清晰,例子足以说明论点:
1 食物做法简易方便.
2 可以吃上任何季节的食物. 但我估计你说杨贵妃吃荔枝的事老外恐怕不了解这段历史.
3 食物健康. 我觉得未必. for example, do you dare to eat genetically engineered food?
题目是什么? 就是food changes people's lives 吗?
或许可以想些其他论据?

欢迎看看<作文大讨论>  Sophie:)

你可以把以下短语或句子用别的单词或句子替代吗?
achieve well-liking lives

get sundry food

To put it in a nutshell

Anyway if you don't use it for so much time,its woule be ok. 这句太口语化了...

谢谢指正

2楼的第二点我赞同，说美国人不了解的中国历史，恐怕很难产生共鸣。
2楼的第三点，你可以不必考虑。论据是用来证明观点的，只要能自圆其说就好，没有对错之分。
还有，有些单词比较简单，口语化，不要用；还有的单词重复率教高，也不好。名词可以重复，但是动词、形容词最好不要重复。
不要刻意地追求长句，会显得生涩。流畅的文字读起来才舒服！
加油！

最近在看口语的材料，连文章也口语化了，这方面是不是应该多背些句子比较好哇

你可以把以下短语或句子用别的单词或句子替代吗?我期待你这些句子新版本..
achieve well-liking lives

get sundry food

To put it in a nutshell

Anyway if you don't use it for so much time,its woule be ok.

gain  variety of comestible

to put it in a nutshell 这个结尾总结部分，简化的可以是 In a nutshell, 或者用别的 all in al, in conclusion, all things considered

那句口语化的去掉，改为：
but if you can use it in correct ways, its positive facets woulld get the run up its negative ones.
l

[[i] 本帖最后由 pickangel 于 2007-12-16 12:52 编辑 [/i]]

稍做修改，还是觉得生涩，望大家给指点

As the old saying of china goes ,"Bread is the staff of life". Begining with the period of ape man, food, beyond all doubt, is most important in people's lives. From hunting beast for eating fresh meat, to planting corn depending on different seasons, and then to toady's getting sundry of food form everywhere no matter what the season is, the way which people preparing for food has great advancement. This change do improve our human being's lives.

For starters, people today can prepare their meal much easier than has ever been before. To prepare a single dinner , person usually had to work for hours in the past: they had to buy home dirty vegetables which had to wash, meat which had to slice , and so on . Each step of the preparation was a time-consuming task. But now, things are entirelt different. Supermarkets provide vegetables, mean clean and neat, some of them even have relevant ingredient and with the invention of microwave oven, it only need a few minutes to be made into delicious meals.Nowsdays much portable, prepackaged food can be seen everywhere, which is very well-suited for busy people.

Furthermore, today's people can easily get various kinds of food in any season. we all vividly remembered the people in Tang dynasty, which we studied in our middle school, who are tired to death for getting litchi form far distance for their empress. And now these things by no means happen again. Thanks to the refrigerator, and other mathine can fresh food, we can get kinds of food in different seasons and from various regions, which make today's people live a ancient emperor's life in every day.

In a nutshell, though the change has some negative consquence, for example, the radiation of the microwave oven, which is not healthy for people's body, we do get more benefit with the change. It can not only save our much time to prepare delicious food and make the process being much easier, but also make us taste different food in any season all around the world. And we can not forget that today's food make us more healthy.

ee

其实写的很好了!

[size=9pt]Food has become easier to prpare. [/size][color=red][size=9pt]His[/size][/color][size=9pt][color=green](Is)[/color] [/size][size=9pt]this change improved the way people live?

As the old saying of china ,"Bread is the staff of life". Begining with the period of ape man, food, berond all doubt, is most important in people's lives. From hunting beast [color=red]for [/color][/size][color=red][size=9pt]eating[/size][/color][color=green][size=9pt]([/size][font=宋体][size=9pt]可略[/size][/font][size=9pt])[/size][/color][size=9pt] fresh meat, to planting corn relying on different seasons, and then to toady's getting sundry of food in different seasons, the way people preparing for food has great advancement[color=red]. [/color][/size][color=red][size=9pt]With its development, it[/size][/color][color=green][font=宋体][size=9pt]（[/size][/font][size=9pt]which[/size][font=宋体][size=9pt]）[/size][/font][/color][size=9pt]do improve our lives.

For starters, people today can prepare their meal much easier than[color=red] [/color][/size][color=red][size=9pt]has ever been[/size][/color][font=宋体][color=green][size=9pt]（可略）[/size][/color][/font][size=9pt] before. To prepare a single dinner , provident housewives usually had to work for hours in the past: they had to buy home dirty vegetables which had to wash, meat which had to slice , and so on so forth. Each and every step of preparation was a time-consuming task. But now, things are [/size][color=red][size=9pt]entirelt[/size][/color][color=green][size=9pt](entirely)[/size][/color][size=9pt] different. Supermarkets provide vegetables, mean clean and neat, some of them even have relevant ingredient [/size][color=red][size=9pt]and[/size][/color][color=green][font=宋体][size=9pt]（[/size][/font][size=9pt]Besides,[/size][font=宋体][size=9pt]）[/size][/font][/color][size=9pt] with the invention of microwave oven, it only need a few minutes to be made into delicious meals.Nowsdays much portable, prepackaged food can be seen everywhere, which is very well-suited for busy people.

Furthermore, today's people can easily get various [color=red]kinds of[/color][color=green](略去)[/color] food in any season. we all vividly remembered the people in Tang dynasty, which we studied in our middle school, who are tired to death for getting litchi form far distance for their empress. And now these things by no means happen again. Thanks to the refrigerator, and other mathine can fresh food, we can get sundry food in different seasons and from various regions, which make today's people live a ancient emperor's life in every day.

In addition, nowadays it is much more healthy eating food than before . [color=red]Much healthy food, which contains low fat, calories and cholesterol and much nutrition , is on sale everywhere.[/color][color=red] It[/color] [color=green]（Nowadays, food, with low fat, calories and cholesterol but rich in nutrition, is availible every. Which ）[/color]make people achieve well-liking lives.Of course, such a change has also brought some unexpected consequences. For example, the radiation of microwave oven is not good for people's body. But if you can use it in correct ways, its positive facets would get the run upon its negative ones.

To put it in a nutshell,[color=red] the change of food becoming much easier to prepare[/color][color=green] (the change, greatly easy the preparation of food, )[/color] do improve the people's life. It not only save us much time[color=red] on cooking[/color][color=green](略)[/color], but also [color=red]make us [/color][color=green]（enable us to）[/color]taste different food in any season all around the world. And we can not forget that today's food make us more healthy.[/size]






[size=9pt]鄙人不才，只能挑些小刺，望见谅！[/size]
[size=9pt]佩服LZ 能够使用诸多长句及短语，但是LZ 也应注意到，这样反而使你的文章显得太累赘了，有些地方甚至让人读不懂。[/size]
[size=9pt]文章，能精简的地方没有必要复杂化，否则适得其反。最好是长句、短距间隔写（三四句长句后来一句短句。句子何谓长短？长，不是将句号改成逗号而得来的，而是通过合适的关联词表达较为复杂的意思。短，也不是删减成分得来的，短句是用来让人间歇，产生节奏的。How？ But why?......都可以），以达到抑扬顿挫的效果。[/size]
[size=9pt]个人观点，:lol :L [/size]

[[i] 本帖最后由 mh007 于 2007-12-21 14:24 编辑 [/i]]

谢谢各位,大家一起加油!

这遍修改稿看过,质量相当高啦,居然把ape都搬出来当论据,佩服!

请你自己改写句子,就是想提醒你当一句不大有把握的话,想想改写保证句子多样化!

:)

原来那篇也有ape man 那，呵呵，谢谢各位，大家一起加油！