查看完整版本: ？？兄弟姐妹们我的作文真的让人读不通吗？？

？？兄弟姐妹们我的作文真的让人读不通吗？？

看文章之前，麻烦大家先听我啰嗦两句
我还有不到一个月就考了，我在学校论坛上好不容易找到一个女生也考，她称自己为不上110就重考的人。我想大概是传说中的牛人吧，我就跟她说我们互相看作文吧，她同意。于是我给她发了两篇我写的，其中一篇就是下面这个。
第二天她说：“我没有什么时间给你看，但你的问题真的很多”。
我问：“何以见得？”
答：“你写这么长文章居然不用一个比喻排比的修辞，真难为你”（不用我没有觉得很难为我啊）
我说：“那你把你的文章也发给我，我好学习一下修辞手法”
答：“你看，你我都没有考呢，我要给你看万一我们考场上写雷同了 我不就很亏了？”
我：..........
下面就是我觉得最郁闷的话了
“你复杂句子写太多了，多写点短句子，你写的长句子暴露了你的全部缺点，你不觉得你的句子真的读不通吗，我拿给5个人看他们都说读不通，还有你连简单句子都写不清楚，你这一篇里面没有话说清楚了的，我也没有什么要告你的了，多练习几篇吧”
对话结束。
我把文章放这里，我不是不服气，我是真着急，因为这是我第20篇文章。我承认我写的文章确实缺点很多，我就想让大家读一读是不是真的像她说的那样读不通和说不清楚，如果真的是那样的话要怎么把话说清楚呢？还有怎么使用修辞呢？下面我用红色标记的是她所说的“极品不好的句子”，大家有时间评判一下。
[size=3]Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Modern technology is creating a single culture. Use specific reasons and example to support your opinion.

Nowadays, people in significant numbers are getting to recognize that technology is becoming more and more important to the world. When ask people weather modern technology is creating a single culture, a lot of people say "No" because there are still different kinds of culture in the world. However, from my point of view，coincident with a lot of people is my heartfelt objection to the idea that technology is not making a single culture, I strongly support that technology is creating a single culture because of the following reasons.

The decisive reason I want to point out at the very beginning is the fact that technology improves the frequency of international communications among people in the world, which contribute to the unity in the realm of ideology. [color=red]With the widely use of computers and internet, people now can communicate with other people from other countries by MSN and ICQ or some other kinds of software[/color]. Through the intercourse among people, everyone understand and know each other deeply, which can help them to eliminate the misunderstanding in different people and form an unique attitude towards some specific things, such as the attitudes toward some events. We can take an simple yet obvious instance about the Charismas Day. Before the development of technology, people in China never participate in this western festival, they thought that spending Charismas Day was waste of time. But now, more and more Chinese people become very interested in Charismas Day and take part in the activities in that day. This is the result of technology that which promotes the communications between western countries and Eastern countries.

The second reason which can not be denied is that the technology creates an unique lifestyle and fashion which are the part of culture. For example, we can see the McDonalds’' symbol, the big golden "M" at every corner of the world, [color=red]people in almost every country make their life at a hurry pace and usually eat meals in such fast food restaurants. And now it is possible for people to see a new fashion in the morning in Now York and then they will notice the same one will appear in Beijing in the afternoon![/color] As a sociologist said that the promotions of technology to a culture is what the water to fish.

Judging from the evidence what we have talked above, we can safely draw a undoubted conclusion that technology is creating a single culture and with the technology, the world are becoming smaller. So everyone should not avoid this tendency and try their best to adapt to the single culture in the world, otherwise, they may fall behind with other people in the world.[/size]

[[i] 本帖最后由 小三三 于 2007-11-17 01:59 编辑 [/i]]

刚看完lost，就看到你这个帖子了
首先我觉得不必太在意这种人，首先正真的牛人是不会随意去贬低别人的，谁说文章一定要用比喻排比的修辞的？这个可能只是文章的一些闪光的地方，但是不是文章所必须的，咱们写中文的作文一定会写修辞么？不一定，刻意的适用甚至会造成太牵强，不自然等后果。
另外说考不上110就重考，那简直是太可笑了，没有一个学校对托福的要求是110，另外比如要求是100，你考了110也用处不大，托福只是语言测试，过了就好，不是GPA要越高越好。
另外他根本对托福作文的评分一点都不了解，考试中即使有两篇作文雷同，也基本不可能是一个老师改到，另外如果你跟他不是同一天考的话，根本不可能碰到同样的题目。另外托福的作文判断抄袭的要求和标准都很严格，即使你的一些例子是抄范文书的也完全没有问题。

[[i] 本帖最后由 whereiswc 于 2007-11-17 02:54 编辑 [/i]]

因此得到一个结论是，可能她的实力很牛，在真正学习托福的过程中，一些话可以说是菜鸟的水平

然后关注了一下你的所谓的“极品不好的句子”，每个句子都有点语法错误吧，但是我觉得不影响阅读
With the widely[color=red](wide)[/color] use of computers and internet, people now can communicate with other people[color=#ff0000](最好把people替换了，因为前半句就出现过，直接写Others是个很不错的选择)[/color] from other countries by MSN and ICQ or some other kinds of software.
这个句子除了这些细小的错误之外我觉得写得相当不错

[[i] 本帖最后由 whereiswc 于 2007-11-17 02:59 编辑 [/i]]

第二个例子有点不恰当，麦当劳不能算Modern technology吧……
另外根据时差，纽约的早晨应该是北京的晚上，然后在北京的下午出现不是在第二天了么。。。
纯属钻牛角尖。。。呵呵
句子本身没有问题，我觉得写得不错
不会到看不懂的地步

谢谢版主啊，她好像是武汉新东方学的。
我会再接再厉

[[i] 本帖最后由 小三三 于 2007-11-17 10:34 编辑 [/i]]

终于看到你发文章了~呵呵
感觉那位女生有点别有用心,不用理会,如果真的是给你提意见,不会是这种态度

楼主的文章总体来讲结构比较清晰,远没有到看不懂的程度,我觉得很好理解
这是有些表达不太地道,比如第一段的people in significant numbers用a significant numbers of people比较亲切一些，虽然说法多样一些比较好，但是这种习惯性的用法最好不要去改，我看老友记这么多遍，就没见过楼主的这种表达数量的用法，这些我感觉就用最常用的最好，我们要多变的不应是这种习惯性用法而是举例、论证时的逻辑性的表达方式
还有一点不知是不是我挑剔，iBT写作的时候最好不要用缩写

zhichi

"mind your own business"-- Ben Franklin marked such words, and so did Mr Lu xun, although not exactly the same. From my point of view, you did a very good job, but still there is some tiny place for you to improve as someone has mentioned above. trust yourself and you will made it. good luck for your IBT

[quote]原帖由 [i]hys17[/i] 于 2007-11-17 22:12 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=64198&ptid=4824][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
终于看到你发文章了~呵呵
感觉那位女生有点别有用心,不用理会,如果真的是给你提意见,不会是这种态度

楼主的文章总体来讲结构比较清晰,远没有到看不懂的程度,我觉得很好理解
这是有些表达不太地道,比如第一 ... [/quote]
谢谢，我马上修改一下我的模板。缩写没有用过啊，我没有找到，嗯~所有格形式还是‘s的写法

[[i] 本帖最后由 小三三 于 2007-11-18 19:08 编辑 [/i]]

[quote]原帖由 [i]im35010716[/i] 于 2007-11-17 23:21 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=64213&ptid=4824][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
"mind your own business"-- Ben Franklin marked such words, and so did Mr Lu xun, although not exactly the same. From my point of view, you did a very good job, but still there is some tiny place  ... [/quote]
真是感谢你，看你的文笔好像是SHIYU的学生吧，我在小马看了这么多文章，SHIYU的学生都喜欢用名人

我觉得写得没错误

好不容易要到了这个女生的一篇作文，背着她往小马发一下，1124机井文章，大家欣赏下
we will spend less time in preparing or cookong food in 20years than today now

Who would agree the statement “people should spend less time to prepare food”? Some advertisers, perhaps. “Wonderfood is a complete food,” the advertisement says, “it would not spend much of your time. Just dissolve a teaspoonful in water~~~~” A complete food it may be, but not quite as complete as a juicy steak which all of my family prepared attentive together. For most of us, with the quickened tempo of modern world, however, we never reduce the time to prepare our meals.

Some modern people, especially some dieters, have always advocated a so-called health avenue to live. They are forever cinsulting calorie charts , gazing at themselves in mirrors, and leaping on to weighing-machines in the bathroom. They spend a lifetime fighting against spreading hips. protruding tummies and double chins. Taking two or 3 hours a day to prepare meales is impossible for them because they are on a diet. What utter torture it is always watching others being busy in the cooking room and then tucking into piles of mouth-watering food while they munch a water biscuit and sip unsweeted lemon juice. I believed that when hungers proves too much for them and in the end they will take part us preparing food and eating together. Therefore, the time belong to food will be longer and longer.

Yet that is a rather trivial aspect of the matter. Preparing food, de facto, assistance us communicate more with our friends , relatives and parents, even some strangers who also love to prepare food by themselves..Such as:when I was an adolescent, like most of my peers, I have to face generation gap between my parents and me. As a matter of fact,it is other way around. Thanks to the activity in the cooking room, we have a lot to talk about forever. I still go into raptures at the mere mention of preparing food with parents. I never forget that one time I cooked four huge cream cakes in 3 hours with parents and devoured them at a sitting. If people spend less time to prepare food, family dinner will ,inevitably, become part of our memory.

Although some people still live under the illusion that we will spend less time to prepare food, for all the best things that preparing food can offer us , the time to prepare our meals will never  reduce

读完我爆寒，de facto 法语词汇都用上了，我觉得她跑题了啊，没有强调20年后，仅仅强调准备吃的不会花时间更少

5555555555我刚发现，我的积分啊，怎么变成8了，上午还是小学生，下午就到幼稚园了5555555555

[[i] 本帖最后由 小三三 于 2007-11-25 18:12 编辑 [/i]]