查看完整版本: 第6篇练习,麻烦版主大驾光临

第6篇练习,麻烦版主大驾光临

之前的作文版主都没有给看,我发帖数也过50了,这次还是着重的练习了复杂句,用时50分钟,想看看效果,所以无论如何麻烦版主看一下,谢谢
[font=Calibri][size=3]Money is the only way to be successful[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]Dollar, the most powerful currency in the world currently as we saw, is transacted over billions throughout the world each year. The one with most money constantly has been considered as the most successful man on earth. In contrast, some people oppose with the opinion that success has various way to be regarded. As far as I concerned, money is not the only way to commit success.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]People with much money often have their own issues on the other side which most people just ignore it. Those issues commonly wouldn’t be deemed as a matter of success generally because the effect of the radiance which the money irradiated. The issues such as hard to find a mate who is actually in love with he/she not just because of the dollars in his/her hand, family misery and always be busy in work which would disregard the friends and family, nonetheless might are the crucial reason that many rich men are not satisfied. Countless money cannot fill them up with the reality about their mentality.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]On the other hand, people with little money may not be unsuccessful as lots of people believed. Many people consider themselves are succeeded only for the happiness they felt, like getting a job they always want, living in a place they kept looking forward to and marring someone who they are crazy about. Money for those people is in a fairly low level in their mind. They have obtained the thing that they truly want, which is frequently not merely money. My brother Jim feels pleasant all the time due to his lovely wife, clean and trim house and family that love him deeply.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]As a comparison, rich people could buy anything they want without concerning about the price. Those things would make them satisfied with the substance. Although Money could give people everything they want in solid however cannot bring anything spiritually, for instance, the actual love.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]Undoubtedly, all the explanation supports the remarkable conclusion that money is definitely not the only way to judge someone whether they are successful. Each person has his/her own way to decide if he/she has succeeded. Money is just one of the ways, certainly not a critical one.[/size][/font]

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2007-11-15 17:06 编辑 [/i]]

[size=3][color=black]我来赚经验啦[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=red][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=red]先帮你分下段啊，考试注意要写完一段空一行以表明分段[/color][/size]
[size=3]Dollar, the most powerful currency in the world currently as we saw, is transacted over billions throughout the world each year. The one[color=red](people)[/color] with most money constantly has been considered as the most successful man on earth. In contrast, some people oppose with the opinion that success has various way to be regarded. As far as I [color=red]（am）[/color] concerned, money is not the only way to commit success.
[font=Calibri][/font][/size]
[size=3][font=Calibri]People with much money often have their own issues on the other side which most people just ignore it. Those issues commonly wouldn’t [color=red](would not)[/color]be deemed as a matter of success generally because the effect of the radiance which the money irradiated. The issues such as hard to find a mate who is actually in love with he/she not just because of the dollars in his/her hand, family misery and always be busy in work which would disregard the friends and family, nonetheless might are the crucial reason that many rich men are not satisfied. Countless money cannot fill them up with the reality about their mentality[color=red].(我觉得编个具体的例子来写会更清楚，比如说你邻居是大款，但他没有找到合适的伴侣因为他除了钱之外没有高的文化和品味）[/color][/font][/size]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]On the other hand, people with little money may not be unsuccessful as lots of people believed. Many people consider themselves are succeeded only for the happiness they felt, like getting a job they always[color=red]（建议去掉always）[/color] want, living in a place they kept looking forward to and [color=red]marring（marrying）[/color]someone who they are crazy about. Money for those people is [color=red]in[/color]（去掉）a fairly low level in their mind. They have obtained the [color=red]things[/color] that they truly want, which is frequently not merely money. My brother Jim feels pleasant all the time due to his lovely wife, clean and trim house and family that love him deeply.[/size][/font]

[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font][font=Calibri][size=3]As a comparison, rich people could buy anything they want without concerning about the price. Those things would make them satisfied with the substance. Although Money could give people everything they want in solid[color=red]（物质上的需求不应该这样讲的吧，用substantial demands）[/color] however cannot bring anything spiritually, for instance, the actual love.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]Undoubtedly, all the [color=red]explanations[/color] supports[color=red]（support）[/color] the remarkable conclusion that money is definitely not the only way to judge someone whether they [color=red]（people）[/color]are successful or not. Each person has his/her own way to decide if he/she has succeeded. Money is just one of the ways, certainly not a critical one.[/size][/font]


我的看法是举例子的时候适当用些细节会比较好些，每段的观点一定要鲜明，在第一句就要说出来。

非常感谢楼上的朋友,很多细节自己检查的时候都注意不到~惭愧
我的观点也都是在第一句就说出来,只是我不想总是用First,second,additionally之类的套话来表达，相信ETS的考官看久了也会没感觉，我想用一些多变的句型来说出我的论据。只是还在摸索阶段，效果不好~
例子方面这是我第一次尝试不全通过举例子来论述，想在论述的时候穿插一些小事例，或者1个分论点用论述，1个分论点用例子这样的方式
不知道能否行得通，感谢大家的帮助，还请多拍~

我写作文的时候也是检查不来自己的错误，给别人看的时候就很奇怪能看出来
嘿嘿，我无偿告诉你我的first second 是怎么写的，
我是用the decisive reason I want to point out at the （这个the还是斑斑提醒要加的）very beginning is the fact that~~~~~
下一个就类似
如果我这句话还有什么改进的地方一定要跟我讲啊
共同提高！:victory:

[[i] 本帖最后由 小三三 于 2007-11-17 01:00 编辑 [/i]]

[quote]原帖由 [i]hys17[/i] 于 2007-11-16 20:19 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=63915&ptid=4772][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
非常感谢楼上的朋友,很多细节自己检查的时候都注意不到~惭愧
我的观点也都是在第一句就说出来,只是我不想总是用First,second,additionally之类的套话来表达，相信ETS的考官看久了也会没感觉，我想用一些多变的 ... [/quote]
我上次 不知道在哪个论坛听人说ETS希望看到细节一点的例子，不管怎样，例证法还是万法之母

感谢你的提示,那句话我看不出什么毛病,我的语法一直不怎么样,现在还在找人补语法呢~
看来以后还是要多举例子,你发作文我定会认真帮你看得~this is a promise