查看完整版本: 第三篇,已改过2篇,麻烦版主

第三篇,已改过2篇,麻烦版主

[font=Calibri][size=3]Building a new research center[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]No one could deny the fact that business is playing the most important role in the modern world, especially while worldwide trading became more and more common currently. Nonetheless, in some part of the world, agriculture is still the strongest domain which is holding country. I consider the business is the basis of a country all the time, despite of the current country or the one in the future.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]As the concept that I mentioned before, no country could live without commerce. A recent research has revealed that the most powerful country whether at the time or throughout history, isn’t standing constantly without a durable commerce. The Ming Dynasty, one of the most influential dynasties in the history of china, had a commercial path from Eastern Europe to the southern Asia, and also trading commodities with Western Europe. United States, the only super country in modern world, in addition, is playing the most dominant role in universal business. Therefore, building a business research center is crucial for the development of our country.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]A new business research center will additionally bring many more opportunities of job. For now, over amount of millions people are still live under poverty. They work hard every day and back to home with exhausted bodies every night-but still could not afford their children to go to college. As the accomplishment of this center, the commercial status will become bright. Plenty of Business Company will be built and more and more people will work at business instead of working at a small farm with the low pay. Consequently, our agriculture will also get ease.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]As I said before, sometimes, agriculture is the base of a country as a replacement for industry. A new research center of farming could transport the most advanced technology into the every corner of the country. Farmers will no longer work at farm by themselves. As a substitute, the modern machine will take care of everything, which would raise the efficiency of farming. [/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]Nevertheless, a hard agriculture couldn’t continuously hold the country forever in such rapid-growing world. The universe will become more and more based on the commercial field. As a conclusion, building a new business research center is a much more significant way than building one about agriculture.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
第三篇练习,用时1小时,还是把注意力集中在了结构上,所以用法很Baby大家别笑~
麻烦高手点评

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2007-11-4 09:09 编辑 [/i]]

之前理解错误,一开始那2篇就算了,麻烦版主帮我看看这一篇吧,谢谢

..尽量少用the most,the best.等极端词句.

同意楼上   可以变成   one of the most /among the most

......第二篇我也看了。不过没有关系~~
我也同意楼上的看法，楼主句型应该多样化一点。
还有我觉得例子还是应该多写一点好，写细一点。

哦,谢谢这么多朋友帮我看
后面的篇幅我会注意的
写例子的时候总是把握不住,怕写跑了,所以都控制在一定的字数以内

文章的年内部联系挺强的。
发现一个小小的问题China.
你在文中用了小写。

呵呵,谢谢楼上朋友的指点和鼓励

I consider the business is the basis of a country all the time
加个that或者把IS 去了
despite of
despite=in spite of，所以后面不跟of
As the concept that I mentioned before
before改成above
Plenty of Business Company
Business Company不需要大些，另外注意复数

另外，我觉得你花了两个段落阐述经济的重要性，只在第二段的最后才把你的观点阐述出来，你觉得是不是有点绕呢？
外国人可不喜欢这个

谢谢版主的纠正,单数复数经常搞错~惭愧
我的每一段的第一句都是主题句啊,难道我的表达不像分论点么

我的意思是，题目问你该不该建研究中心
你的具体观点只能在第二段的最后找到

[size=3]Building a new research center
[font=Calibri][/font]
[font=Calibri][/font]
[font=Calibri]No one could deny the fact that business is playing the most important role in the modern world, especially while worldwide trading became more and more common currently. Nonetheless, in some part of the world, agriculture is still the strongest domain which is holding country. I consider [color=red]that [/color]the business is the basis of a country all the time, despite of[color=red]（in spite of）[/color] the current country or the one in the future.[/font][/size]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]As the concept that I mentioned before, no country[color=red]（countries)[/color] could live without commerce. A recent research has revealed that the most powerful country whether at the time or throughout [color=red](the)[/color]history, isn’t standing constantly without a durable commerce. [color=red](加点话吧，表明你要举例子了）[/color]The Ming Dynasty, one of the most influential dynasties in the history of china, had(explored) a commercial path from Eastern Europe to the southern Asia, and also trading[color=red]（in order to trade）[/color] commodities with Western Europe. United States, the only super country in modern world, in addition, is playing the most dominant role in universal business. Therefore, building a business research center is crucial for the development of our country.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]A new business research center will additionally bring many more opportunities of job. For now, over amount of millions people are still live[color=red]（living）[/color] under poverty. They [color=red]worked[/color] hard every day and [color=red] [/color]back to home with exhausted bodies every night-but still could not afford their children to go to college. As the accomplishment of this center, the commercial status will become bright. Plenty of Business Company[color=red](companies）[/color] will be built and more and more people will work at business instead of working at a small farm with the low pay. Consequently, our agriculture will also get ease.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][color=red]As I said before, sometimes, agriculture is the base(basis） of a country as a replacement for industry.（我没有理解错的话，你这句话和你前面写的矛盾了，你前面写的是商业是基础的）[/color]A new research center of farming could transport the most advanced technology into the every corner of the country. Farmers will no longer work at farm by themselves. As a substitute, the modern machine will take care of everything, which would raise the efficiency of farming. [/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3]Nevertheless, a hard agriculture couldn’t continuously hold the country forever in such rapid-growing world. The universe will become more and more based on the commercial field. [color=red]（建议把前面的这两句写到上一段里面，呵呵你是戴云的学生吗？这两句按他教的应该写上面那段里去）[/color]As a conclusion, building a new business research center is a much more significant way than building one about agriculture.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=3][/size][/font]

谢谢楼上的朋友,我是戴云的学生~