查看完整版本: 求拍！父母的影响大还是同学的影响大？

求拍！父母的影响大还是同学的影响大？

[font=Times New Roman]As a student for so long time, we clearly acknowledge the influences form both classmates and parents are important on our success in school. Classmates give us pressure to study hard, and parents play a vital part in forming necessary characters, such as diligence, consistence and no fear of failure, which are elementary ones for success in any field. In light of these, parents occupy a more significant place in effecting in a child’s academic performance.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Absolutely, classmates are the sources of competition, and competition existing between classmates arise the lust of being winners. A typical instance is that top students desire to be NO.1 on any type of tests, and the desire drives them to study hard to guarantee their success. Besides the rivalry, we also have friends, when we boggle in difficulties, they put us up, helping us how to cover plights. In a word, classmates act as friends and rivalry to impulse us success.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Though the effects from classmates can not be ignored, parents’ effects on children’s academic success are more substantial. Why do we say this? Because characters, such as tough, diligence and no fear of failure, have formed under the guide of our parents since we were young. Without these traits we can never savor success. Maybe we cannot remember how we learn to walk, but we know the process- fall, struggle to stand on feet, and these happen again and again, just forming a circular pattern. When we fall and hurt, parents tell us to be tough and do not cry; When we feel tired and boring, parents encourage us to continue exercising; when we frustrated by never stopping failure, parents made us face up to failure. Actually, learning new knowledge and skills seen to have the same process as learning to walk. Therefore, these traits are necessary for us to get through difficulties. We have to face up during learning at school.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]In some sense, influences form classmates are external, and characters formed under parents’ guide are internal ones. Relationship between them jibes with philosophy theory that external factors produce effect, but internal factors trigger the production of effects. In a short, we see competition work, and this is just the superficial phenomena, in fact we ignore the process of bewaring competition through the lust to be winner.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]According to philosophy theory, internal factors have more significant than external ones, so influence from parents are more substantial on a child’s success in school.[/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]向各位求教！Thank you![/font]

帮你顶一下~~:lol

谢谢！

[size=4][font=Times New Roman]As a student for so long time, we clearly acknowledge the influences form both classmates and parents are important on our success in school. Classmates give us pressure to study hard, and parents play a vital part in forming necessary characters, such as diligence, consistence and no fear of failure, which are elementary ones for success in any field. In light of these, parents occupy a more significant place in effecting in a child’s academic performance.[/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Times New Roman][color=red](第一段这样写，我个人的感觉不太好。因为第一段最好只是作一个客观的阐述，引出观点即可。在看完你的classmates和parents 的两方面的论述之后，以为你要说两边都很重要，岂知，你直接得到了你的观点，一个是逻辑上似乎有跳跃，至少你该在parents这里加个比较级什么的吧，因为你的第一句说两边都很重要，第三句说一边重要，那中间的第二句一定要有明显的倾向啊；第二点是这样写似乎与题目没有很好的连贯性，一看还以为是其中的一个论述过程而不是一个开头段，所以，最好别这么直接。我个人的建议是，你可以在第一句说两边都很重要以后，把两边的好处写成并列的关系，然后后面转折说，但是，你认为怎么样。或者你就是在第一句话说两边都重要，到第二句转折，但是一边更重要，然后说所以你个人认为怎么样。）[/color]
Absolutely, classmates are the sources of competition, and[color=red] the [/color]competition existing between classmates arise the lust of being winners. A typical instance is that top students desire to be NO.1 on any type[color=red]s[/color] of tests, and the desire drives them to study hard to guarantee their success. Besides the rivalry, we also have friends, when we boggle in difficulties, they put us up, helping us how to cover plights. In a word, classmates act as friends and rivalry to impulse us success.[/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Times New Roman][color=red]（转折段最好别这么写，因为不是文章的重点，所以放在中间论述的最末尾，这样可以显示你考虑问题全面，但是，放在前面则有喧宾夺主的意思了。然后最后一句话当中，最好别用we，因为你前面也没有用we，所以为了保证客观，你就把we改成students就行了。因为前后两个事例是并列的，称谓最好一致，不然前面的所有范围均适宜，而后面的只是在we这个范围适宜，虽说we可以看成是全范围的，但是听起来总是没有那么的客观。这样就导致了范围不同，那两个并列的作用 friends 和 rivalry的并列性就可能会被质疑了。[/color][/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Times New Roman][color=#ff0000]但是，撇开以上的两个小瑕疵不说，我觉得这段写的真的很流畅，虽说这是中国学生独特的情况以致可能有些意思上的chinglish, 但是我觉得真的写的很好，逻辑比较清晰，更重要的是能够在事例中体现论证，在论证中采用事例，把论证和事例结合了起来，论证即事例，事例即论证。另外，字数很少，真是简约不简单，大有欧阳修“逸马杀犬于道”的风范。）[/color][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Though the effects from classmates can not be ignored, parents’ effects on children’s academic success are more substantial. Why do we say this?[color=#ff0000]（这话我实在觉得有杀风景直接一个why都比这个好）[/color] Because characters, such as tough, diligence and no fear of failure, have formed under the guide of our parents since we were young. Without these traits we can never savor success.[color=red]（这句要是换成虚拟语气，会增色很多很多啊，而且这是很好改成虚拟语气的）[/color] Maybe we cannot remember how we learn to walk, but we know the process- fall, struggle to stand on feet, and these happen again and again, just forming a circular pattern. [color=red]（这句改成倒装也行了的，这样上下两句就形成了多变的句式啊）[/color]When we fall and hurt, parents tell us to be tough and do not cry; When we feel tired and boring, parents encourage us to continue exercising; when we frustrated by never stopping failure, parents made us face up to failure. [color=red]（修辞手法排比，增加气势，外加能引起共鸣，用的好）[/color]Actually, learning new knowledge and skills [color=red]are [/color]seen to have the same process as learning to walk. Therefore, these traits are necessary for us to get through difficulties. We have to face up during learning at school.[color=#ff0000]（完全可以和前一句并起来，形成从句）[/color][/font][font=Times New Roman]In some sense, influences form classmates are external, and characters formed under parents’ guide are internal ones. Relationship between them jibes [color=red]（没有用coincide, 看出你是有功底的）[/color]with philosophy theory that external factors produce effect, but internal factors trigger the production of effects. In a short, we see competition work, and this is just the superficial phenomena, in fact we ignore the process of bewaring competition through the lust to be winner.[/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Times New Roman][color=red]（看完这一段，我要修正我前面的话，大可以这样写，可以将classmates写在前面，但是有两个小小的问题：一是，最好在前面写完同学之后，直接另开一段说那是外因，然后接一句：当然还有内因，这个内因就是家长，然后再另开一段写家长怎样，这样逻辑会更加的清晰，也就是将你这一段倒数的几句话写成一个承上启下的段落，用来理清你的写作逻辑放在两段之间，同时这样写还能显示well developed这个得分点；第二个小问题，就是句式多变，我已经说过就不赘述了。[/color][/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Times New Roman][color=#ff0000]看完这一段，我实在是佩服你的功底，除了文字功底以外还有文化功底，几句话就可以很顺畅的写下来，而且真的是行云流水的感觉，若你能将句式改一改，做到几乎每一个句子都能遇上一句话的句式不同，像这里显示虚拟，接一句倒装，在加一段排比，接下来有从句等等，我实在只能用字字珠玑来形容了。[/color][/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Times New Roman][color=#ff0000]但是我有一点猜测，不知你是否存在这个情况，就是这篇文章有一点模版的味道，若有希望你能掩饰的好一点，若没有，就当是我自以为是的瞎猜吧，不要介意。）[/color][/font][/size][size=4]
[font=Times New Roman]According to philosophy theory, internal factors have more significant than external ones, so influence from parents are more substantial on a child’s success in school.[/font][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=4][color=red]（太匆忙）[/color][/size][/font]

另外，我还想说一点就是这样写不是不可以，但是显然所需要的驾驭语言的能力要更高超一点。这样的文章结构，以及所用的论证手法，是比较难以达到所预期的效果的，有时候说定还会有反噬的可能。比如在这里，你就是有一个致命的逻辑漏洞，就是没有办法很好的证明父母是内因——你虽然证明了，但是不一定经得起推敲。如果你能够将那个such as的句子换成两句逻辑严密的句子，形成一个推理的链条，似乎会更加好一点。但是，毕竟存有哲学的命题，所以比如是不是要在对这个逻辑命题发挥一下，还是就引用一下摆在那里这样的问题，我们是比较难掌握的。

所以我认为，最好还是按照寻常的路子走比较稳妥，不一定说全盘改掉，只需做一些改动，就可以成为一篇中规中矩的文章。虽然这样对作者来说比较难接受，因为毕竟要把一篇不俗的文章改成普通套路，但是即使这样做了，也还是难掩珠玉之色的，说不定还有锦上添花之效。

看时间你可以知道，第一次拍是在晚上十二点左右，现在这次评价是在早上的七点半左右，说老实话，你的文章我一整晚都在想（当然是不睡觉的时候:lol ），纯属个人的建议，而且我也不是什么牛人，别看写了密密麻麻那么些，还不知道有多少是有用的，所以谨供你参考吧。