查看完整版本: 第五次强烈求拍！！~~

第五次强烈求拍！！~~

这是老托第29题~~

[align=left][b][font=TimesNewRoman][size=14pt][font=Times New Roman]29 Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.[/font][/size][/font][/b][/align]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Have you ever felt annoyed when you had to live aside a smelly river? Have you ever felt repressed when you had not seen sunshine through the grey sky for a month? Have you ever felt nauseated when you breathed the air with gas released by cars? If you have never had such experiences, you would not know what people have done to the environment. [/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]From my personal angel, it never remains suspicious of the point that the Earth is being damaged by human activity.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]The crucial reason can be obviously seen. It is since people’s appearance that the Earth’s environment has been harmed. As known to all, though there were some periods with terrible states of the Earth’s environment, such as the glacier, it was not damaged until people appeared in the world. Compared with the history of the earth, we human are just a tiny species in an instant moment. But it is definitely during this moment that the state of the Earth began to become worse. If there were no human in the world, the environment might have had more brilliant prospects. It is no exaggerating to say that people’s activities never fail to harm the environment. [/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Usually, human [/size][/font][font=Arial][size=12pt]existence[/size][/font][font=Arial][size=12pt]may be thought as the major problem. But that is only part of the reality. Furthermore, the progress which people made speed up this process.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Generally speaking, the environment can heal itself after being harmed. But today, there are many things not as what they were for modern times’ activities beyond the healing ability of the environment. There was a time when we breathed fresh air freely and played in limpid rivers happily. The shining water that moves in streams and rivers is not just water but the blood of our ancestors. The water murmur is the voice of my father’s father. But now they all become a history. The past has turned into ash.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Of course, I don’t object all of the people’s activities. I am also fully convinced that the progress offers us so many conveniences that we are at an excellent state of life. While it costs too much.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]In conclusion, I have to say that the Earth is being damaged by human activity. For most of the time, we are always on an arduous journey in seeking the most benefits with the least costs. Thus, I am always having a dream that one day we human can develop our society without hurting the environment, for that the paradise is a place where we can live freely with fresh air, blue sky and the shining water.[/size][/font]

word count: 434

现在的文章只是在演练词语，句型，结构，及破题什么的，并没有限时和限字，所以这一次的字数有点夸张。

[[i] 本帖最后由 太阳peach 于 2008-8-24 21:57 编辑 [/i]]

楼主热情很高·~赞一个·~~~~~~
一个小建议~~楼主可以在每次写作文之前再看一下自己之前的文章做一些修改·~~
楼主貌似很喜欢排比式的开头~~
you would not know what people have done to the environment  我个人觉得这句可以再细点，因为要点明自己的观点~~这个句子意思显得很含糊·~~
在每个论述点中建议有主题句~~这样结构看上去会很完整·思路会很清楚~~~
还有就是楼主举例也可以再具体一点~~~具体的东西才是细节，才是ETS喜欢的东西。比如在什么地方我们过度的放牧overgrazing造成土壤流失run-off~等等~~~

楼主加油
个人意见~仅供参考

[[i] 本帖最后由 棉花糖落落 于 2008-8-24 23:02 编辑 [/i]]

排比段只是练习，因为上次有人和我说我的排比段写的不好，我想再试试看。
然后我是将每篇文章新写的挂上来，看看大家有啥意见，然后自己下去改。
这篇文章当时写的时候就觉得没有写好，主要是细节没有突出，呵呵，和你的观点一致了，只是写完了才发现，但是还是坚持一字不改，先挂上来。

至于最后一句话我没有打算作为主题句，主题句是第二段单列出来。不知这样做可不可以。

为什么一字不改呢？你现在不是在练习么？在自己的基础上多修改，之后你就知道下一篇要注意什么了，同样，你认为完美的文章，当别人挑出来毛病这才是进步，如果这篇文章你自己都觉得有很多不足，别人挑出来以后对你的帮助也不大。还有楼主既然下去改了，欢迎把改后的文章也发上来，也给大家做个参考。
个人意见，仅供参考。

呵呵，是哦，有点自私的感觉，只是，现在版主也说我热情比较高，我怕我老是这么发，别人看着主题就比较烦了，以后一看到就会想——又来了~~~（其实现在就肯定有人这么想啦），所以不太好意思再往上发了。

但是以前杀鸡的时候吃过作文没有交流的亏（当时是闭门造车），所以就只把第一篇搞上来~~

谢谢版主的建议啊~~

不会啊·~~坛子的建立本身就是互助的地方，但是我个人觉得学习是自学互助的过程。作文发是鼓励的，我只是在想怎么发对你而言帮助会更大，这才是学习的目的和意义，对不？
P.S  我也是正在备考的人……

[align=left]29 Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.[/align]

Have you ever felt annoyed when you had to live aside a smelly river? Have you ever felt repressed when you had not seen sunshine through the grey sky for a month? Have you ever felt nauseated when you [color=red](had to)[/color] breathed [color=red](breath)[/color] the air with gas released by cars? If you have never had such experiences, you would not know what people have done to the environment.

From my personal angel, it never remains suspicious of the point that the Earth is being damaged by human activity.

The crucial reason can be obviously seen. It is since people’s appearance that the Earth’s environment has been harmed. As known to all, though there were some periods with terrible states of the Earth’s environment, such as the glacier, it was not damaged until people appeared in the world. Compared with the history of the earth, we human are just a tiny species in an instant moment. But it is definitely during this moment that the state of the Earth began to become worse. If there were no human in the world, the environment might have had more brilliant prospects. It is no exaggerating to say that people’s activities never fail to harm the environment. [color=red]([/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第一感就是话说得太空了，都是大道理，看上去很美，但是感觉很玄胡，没有实际的例证支持，没有踏实的感觉。[/size][/font][/color][color=red])
[/color]
Usually, human existence may be thought as the major problem. But that is only part of the reality. [color=red]Furthermore, the progress which people made speed up this process.[/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（没读懂[/size][/font][/color][color=red]…[/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color]
Generally speaking, the environment can heal itself after being harmed. But today, [color=red]there are many things not as what they were[/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（没看懂[/size][/font][/color][color=red]…[/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color] for modern times’ activities beyond the healing ability of the environment. There was a time when we breathed fresh air freely and played in limpid rivers happily. The shining water that moves in streams and rivers is not just water but [color=red]the blood of our ancestors.[/color] The water murmur is [color=red]the voice of my father’s father.[/color] But now they all become a history. The past has turned into ash.[color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（还是缺少些例证）[/size][/font][/color]

Of course, I don’t object all of the people’s activities. I am also fully convinced that the progress offers us so many conveniences that we are at an excellent state of life. [color=red]While it costs too much.[/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（挂上破坏地球的钩，[/size][/font][/color][color=red]While it makes our human beings’ mother-the earth-suffers a lot.[/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color]

In conclusion, [color=red]I have to say([/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]好像比较口语化[/size][/font][/color][color=red])[/color] that the Earth is being damaged by human activity. For most of the time, we are always on an arduous journey in seeking the most benefits with the least costs. Thus, I am always having a dream that one day we human can develop our society without hurting the environment, for that the paradise is a place where we can live freely with fresh air, blue sky and the shining water.

[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]头一次修改，在下也没有经验，如有不当之处，还望海涵。[/size][/font]
[font=宋体][/font]
[font=宋体][b][size=5][color=navy]请回拍[/color][/size][/b]：[url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/viewthread.php?tid=20136&extra=page%3D1&frombbs=1]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/viewthread.php?tid=20136&extra=page%3D1&frombbs=1[/url][/font]

[[i] 本帖最后由 macross_36 于 2008-8-26 22:35 编辑 [/i]]

谢谢你的建议，真是一针见血。
第二段缺少例证确实是一大败笔（其实也主要是字数太多了，我当时加不进去了），第二段那些话其实可以作为细节看待，那是我们自己的经历，可以看成是例证。
我正在该当中，改好了会继续挂在这里，希望你能再帮我看看。

至于那两句你说没有看懂的，第一句的speed错了，应该是speeds，意思是人们所经行的这些发展加速了对环境的破坏。第二句是有很多东西已经是物是人非了。

至于那个挂上破坏地球的那句话，我本意就是想要简洁一点，因为在这篇文章里，environment和earth出现频率太高了，而harm和damage也是两个老出现的词，我觉得实在要缩减一下使用次数了，而且我觉得这样比较短小精悍以体现有力的转折。

I have to say 确如你所说，我本来是要用take it for granted that的，但是当时忽然想不起来了~~呵呵:lol

嗯，总之谢谢你的建议，改好了希望你还来评价一下，我将倒屐相迎~~
同时也希望棉花版主来看——这话或许你看不见咧，呵呵~~无所谓，大家都来拍吧，谢谢大家。

为什么我是棉花？狂汗不已~~~~~~~~~~为什么看不到~~~~~~~晕~~~~~~~~
等你改好了我来看·~~~~

你是大忙人啊，我想你应该不会老盯着我的这个帖子吧~~
:lol 道歉一个呵呵

回复 8# 的帖子

回拍一下吧，链接在7#，咱俩常拍啊:)

Have you ever felt annoyed when you had to live aside a smelly river? Have you ever felt repressed when you [color=red]had not seen sunshine through the grey sky [/color][color=red]for a month似乎可以改一改[/color]? Have you ever felt nauseated when you breathed the air with gas released by cars? If you [color=red]fail to[/color]  experience [color=red]such things[/color], you would not know what people have done to the environment.

From my personal angel, it never remains suspicious of the point that the Earth is being damaged by human activity.

The crucial reason can be obviously seen. It is since people’s [color=red]appearance（advent)[/color] that the Earth’s environment has been harmed[color=red]可以加插入，to some extent.[/color]. As known to all, though there were some periods with terrible states of the Earth’s environment, such as the glacier, it was not damaged until [color=red]people came to wildly exist[/color]. Compared with the history of the earth, we human are just a tiny species in an instant moment. But it is definitely during this moment that the state of the Earth began to become worse. If there were no human in the world, the environment might have had more brilliant prospects. It is no exaggerating to say that people’s activities never [color=red]fail to harm[/color] the environment(不知道是要强调客观还是主观）.

Usually, human existencemay be thought as the major problem. But that is[color=red] only（one) part of[/color] the reality. Furthermore, the progress which people made speed up this process.

Generally speaking, the environment can heal itself after being [color=red]harmed ([size=13.5pt]cripple)[/size][/color]. But today, there are many things not as what they were [color=red], [/color]for [color=red]modern times’ activities( mankind's productive[/color] [color=red]area[/color] [color=red]is expended without any idea of the true nature of the environment[/color], [color=red]not to mention the[/color]  healing ability of  [color=red]it.[/color] There was a time when we breathed fresh air freely and played in limpid rivers happily. The shining water that moves in streams and rivers is not just water but the blood of our ancestors. The water murmur is the voice of my father’s father. But now they all become a history. The past has turned into ash.

Of course, I don’t object all of the people’s activities. I am also fully convinced that the progress offers us so many conveniences that we are at an excellent state of life. While it costs too much.我觉得你用的大部分句型都很有新三的特征看起来很有亲切感!~ 反正考t是够了!~不过我觉得要多些关联词!~~  互相学习!~

In conclusion, I have to say that the Earth is being damaged by human activity. For most of the time, we are always on an arduous journey in seeking the most benefits with the least costs. Thus, I am always having a dream that one day we human can develop our society without hurting the environment, for that the paradise is a place where we can live freely with fresh air, blue sky and the shining water.

[font=Arial][size=12pt]由于已经在第二页了，所以先附上原文，以方便诸位。[/size][/font]


[font=Arial][size=12pt][font=Arial][size=12pt]Have you ever felt annoyed when you had to live aside a smelly river? Have you ever felt repressed when you had not seen sunshine through the grey sky for a month? Have you ever felt nauseated when you breathed the air with gas released by cars? If you have never had such experiences, you would not know what people have done to the environment. [/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]From my personal angel, it never remains suspicious of the point that the Earth is being damaged by human activity.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]The crucial reason can be obviously seen. It is since people’s appearance that the Earth’s environment has been harmed. As known to all, though there were some periods with terrible states of the Earth’s environment, such as the glacier, it was not damaged until people appeared in the world. Compared with the history of the earth, we human are just a tiny species in an instant moment. But it is definitely during this moment that the state of the Earth began to become worse. If there were no human in the world, the environment might have had more brilliant prospects. It is no exaggerating to say that people’s activities never fail to harm the environment. [/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Usually, human [/size][/font][font=Arial][size=12pt]existence[/size][/font][font=Arial][size=12pt]may be thought as the major problem. But that is only part of the reality. Furthermore, the progress which people made speed up the process of damaging.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Generally speaking, the environment can heal itself after being harmed. But today, there are many things not as what they were for modern times’ activities beyond the healing ability of the environment. There was a time when we breathed fresh air freely and played in limpid rivers happily. The shining water that moves in streams and rivers is not just water but the blood of our ancestors. The water murmur is the voice of my father’s father. But now they all become a history. The past has turned into ash.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Of course, I don’t object all of the people’s activities. I am also fully convinced that the progress offers us so many conveniences that we are at an excellent state of life. While it costs too much.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]In conclusion, I have to say that the Earth is being damaged by human activity. For most of the time, we are always on an arduous journey in seeking the most benefits with the least costs. Thus, I am always having a dream that one day we human can develop our society without hurting the environment, for that the paradise is a place where we can live freely with fresh air, blue sky and the shining water.[/size][/font]


[font=Arial][size=12pt]以下是我改动以后的文章。黑粗体是我改动过的地方，这篇文章现在这样的写法无论是从逻辑上还是手法都是我以前从未练习过的，所以我驾驭的能力可能未到这个火候，请大家指正。[/size][/font]




[/size][/font][font=Arial][size=12pt]Have you ever felt annoyed when you had to live aside a smelly river? Have you ever felt repressed when you had not seen sunshine through the grey sky for a month? Have you ever felt nauseated when you breathed the air with gas released by cars? If you have never had such experiences, you would not know what people have done to the environment. [/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]From my personal angel, it never remains suspicious of the point that the Earth is being damaged by human activity.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[b][font=Arial][size=12pt]Obviously,[/size][/font][/b][font=Arial][size=12pt] it is the people’s appearance that [b]never fails to influence the environment[/b]. We human are just a tiny species in an instant moment of the earth’s history. But it is definitely during this moment that the state of the Earth began to [b]change out of the natural control[/b]. [b]Comparing tropical rain forest with New York where is under the human control, the differences are axiomatic. [/b]It is no exaggerating to say that[b] if there were no human in the world, the environment might have had other prospects.[/b][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[b][font=Arial][size=12pt]There is only a thin line between advantage and disadvantage of these influences[/size][/font][/b][font=Arial][size=12pt]. [b]What is terrible[/b], the progress which people made is [b]unfortunately damaging the environment.[/b][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[b][font=Arial][size=12pt]The camera of the time has taken the pictures which are full of the evidences of people crippling the Earth.[/size][/font][/b][font=Arial][size=12pt] There was a time when we breathed fresh air freely and played in limpid rivers happily. The shining water that moves in streams and rivers is not just water but the blood of our ancestors. The water murmur is the voice of my father’s father. [b]However[/b], they all have become a history [b]since human began to build the big cities.[/b] [b]The past has turned into ash. The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh.[/b][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]Of course, I don’t object all of the people’s activities. [b]I also admit that people now are using more advantage technology to protect the environment than before. While things sometimes do not work out way people thought.[/b] I am also fully convinced that the progress offers us so many conveniences that people are at an excellent state of life. While it costs too much.[/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt][/size][/font]
[font=Arial][size=12pt]In conclusion, I [b]take it for granted[/b] that the Earth is being damaged by human activity. For most of the time, we are always on an arduous journey in seeking the most benefits with the least costs. Thus, I am always having a dream that one day we human can develop our society without [b]harming[/b] the environment, for that the paradise is a place where we can live freely with fresh air, blue sky and the shining water.[/size][/font]


[font=Arial][size=12pt]word count: 441[/size][/font]

另，谢谢诸位不辞辛苦斧正拙作。最近马上就要考试了，所以可能时间有点紧，但是有机会一定会回拍。
再次感谢诸位。

Have you ever felt annoyed when you had to live aside a smelly river? Have you ever felt repressed when you had not seen sunshine through the grey sky for a month? Have you ever felt nauseated when you breathed the air with gas released by cars? If you have never had such experiences, you would not know what people have[color=deepskyblue] done to the environment. (damaged the environment或者done to damage the environment,我觉得完整一点)[/color]
From my personal angel, it never remains suspicious of the point that the Earth is being damaged by human activity. Obviously, it is the people’s appearance [color=deepskyblue]that never fails to influence(that affect)[/color] the environment. We human are just a tiny species in an instant moment of the earth’s history. But it is definitely during this moment that the state of the Earth began to change out of the natural control.[color=deepskyblue] Comparing(contrasting吧？)[/color] tropical rain forest with New York where is under the human control, the differences are [color=deepskyblue]axiomatic（这个不晓得什么意思）[/color]. It is no exaggerating to say that if there were no human in the world, the environment might have had other prospects. There is only a thin line between advantage and disadvantage of these influences. What is terrible, the progress which people made is unfortunately damaging the environment. The camera of the time has taken the pictures which are full of the evidences of people crippling the Earth. There was a time when we breathed fresh air freely and played in limpid rivers happily. The shining water that moves in streams and rivers is not just water but the blood of our ancestors. The water murmur is the voice of my [color=deepskyblue]father’s father（grandfather）[/color]. However, they all have become a history since human began to build the big cities. The past has turned into ash. [color=deepskyblue]The wind that gave our grandfather his first breath also receives his last sigh(没懂)[/color]. [color=deepskyblue]Of course, I don’t object all of the people’s activities[/color]. （有点口语化）I also admit that people now are using more advantage technology to protect the environment than before. While things sometimes do not work out way people thought. I am also fully convinced that the progress offers us so many conveniences that people are at an excellent state of life. While it costs too much. In conclusion, I take it for granted that the Earth is being damaged by human activity. For most of the time, we are always on an arduous journey in seeking the most benefits with the least costs. Thus, I am always having a dream that one day we human can develop our society without harming the environment, for that the paradise is a place where we can live freely with fresh air, blue sky and the shining water.

呃~~~~首先声明我不是来打击你的积极性………………
我觉得你的句子组织还是不错的，不过这篇文章的结构我没怎么弄明白。
你想说人类活动破坏环境，后面的阐述应该是围绕为什么你觉得它破坏了环境。但是我觉得你一直在表达的是因为人类出现所以环境才受到了破坏。
然后的一个感觉就是觉得你的例子都举的比较大，大了有时候会觉得空。热带雨林和纽约的比较，我说不大好，但是我觉得应该有更好的例子。举爷爷的事例是不错的，但是我觉得如果把过去和现在作对比，是不是效果好一点。
其实你要写这个可以有很多方面的啊，比如人类活动导致全球变暖，冰川融化。
比如人类活动导致空气污染
比如人类活动导致动物灭绝
比如人类研发的各类导弹可以把山川夷为平地

还有就是~~我觉得你的观点既然是觉得人类活动破坏环境，就不要写人类活动也有好的方面，即使写，也要驳斥掉，这样会觉得你的思路清楚。两方面都写不是不可以，但是真的不大好把握。

P.S   如果我建议你看我签名链接的满分作文，你不会觉得我做广告吧？？那个的修改是哈佛专家修改的，很地道的美国表达，我觉得看看还是有好处的。一楼有电子版的下载，你可以不看我的笔记。

个人意见    仅供参考

呵呵，是我不好，听版主的口气有点像惊弓之鸟了。我们就事论事就行，也不和你客气啦~~:lol

这篇文章的行文思路是这样的两段不是并列论证，而是递进论证。
首先，在第二段论证人与自然作用对地球是不一样的。就是说先论证了，在人类控制下的地域内，与在自然之力控制下的地域内，有着截然不同的作用。那么，也就是说人的行为和自然的或是其他物种的行为对地球的影响都是不一样的。因为在逻辑上我要把人独立出来，以防止出现这样一种说法：人作为一个物种在影响着地球。这样人的影响变成是这个世界上与自然之力影响对立存在的了，也就说，这个世界上只有两种能够影响地球环境的力量，一种是自然，包括了天气和其他的一些因素与物种；另一种就是人。
（注，axiomatic意思是不言而喻的）

接着再来探讨人的这个影响到底是好的还是坏的。

第四段除了两句话，其他都是引用了，美国一位印第安酋长写的一片关于土地买卖的文章里的原话，是用散文的手法论证了这个影响是不好的。
（注，最后一句话的意思是风中有我们祖先的出生后的第一口呼吸，也有他们的最后一声叹息。）

然后在第五段用了排比的方法驳斥掉人类科技的两个优势，也是递进的。第一个优势是比较细节的方面，就是用科技来保护环境，那么我说不如意事者十有八九；第二个优势是比较大的，就是为全人类提供了方便，那么我说代价太大。

其实这篇文章这样写就已经不是T的范畴了，首先字数就不对的，而且本来还可以铺开来写，那就不会显得这么隐晦了。

我的最大改动在于递进论证这里，原来是论证现有坏处，再是现代社会加速了这种破坏。后来发现其实这样的论证太难，因为加速的和有坏处的这两个方面不好说。于是我干脆改成有影响，这个影响是坏影响。这样更加清楚明晰一点。

再次感谢版主拍我，谢谢你的建议。

另外，版主就不要这么谨慎啦，我的不好，向你赔罪。

呵呵·~~不用那么客气~~~~
我只是觉得题目是让你讨论人类对地球的影响是好的还是坏的，而不是人类对地球有没有影响~~~~~
你很认真的说

呵呵，我是先论证有影响，在论证有坏影响。

认真是对自己负责，当然也更是对版主和大家的负责，要是大家拍我这一篇文章花了十分钟，我自己只是草草了事，那就不好啦。

求拍不是自己懒得找错误，而是来交流。既然是交流，来而不往非礼也，我就得要对得起大家啊。

一篇范文 大家一起来欣赏

[size=3][color=darkorchid][b]Confucius, the greatest and most influential philosopher and educator of ancient china was quoted in the analects as saying, “human beings are the biggest enemy of the mother Nature.”（名人名言做开头）[/b][/color] These days, some people claim human activity is having tremendous, negative effects on the planet we are lining on. However, other thinks human beings are improving it.[color=indigo][b][color=blue]The way I see it, mankind has caused severe damages to the Earth（逻辑上总起全文）.[/color]
[/b][/color]  
First of all, human activity causes [color=blue][b]the global warming[/b][/color], which can have negative, perhaps enen disastrous, effect on the environment. [b][color=indigo][color=darkgreen]As we know, modern industry and automobiles rely on fossil fuels, as the major sources of energy. The burning of these fossil fuels increased amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will increase the ability of the air to keep the sun’s heat. As a result, the global temperatures will rise and lead to the melting of the polar ice and a rise in sea levels. Consequently, large parts of the Earth  will be flooded by sea water[/color][color=darkgreen]（全球变暖的 原因[/color]）.（事例1）[/color][/b] I vividly remember a movie named [color=indigo][b]The Day After Tomorrow[/b][/color]. It is rally fantastic. It talks about the disastrous effects of human activities on the earth. According to the movie, modern industries release tremendous amounts of carbon dioxide rise in global temperature…melting of polar ice New York city is flooded. As the Empire Building is flooded by sea water in the movie, I was really shocked. After I see the movie, My understanding of the consequences of global warming is deepened. (I like to watch movies because movies are not only for fun, but also educating. I can learn scientific fact from them)  [color=purple][b]（事例2）[/b][/color]2 years ago, a particularly sever storm hit my hometown. China scientists believe this pattern of extreme weather is cased severe global warming. The storm caused sever flooding, which left hundreds people dead, thousands wounded and missing. It inflicted heavy damages on the city, leaving tens of thousands homeless, and causing tens of millions of dollars in financial losses[/size]
[size=3]
  Furthermore, human activity leads to [color=blue][b]acid rain[/b][/color], which can also damage the environment we are lining in. Besides carbon dioxide, the burning of fossil fuels produces other harmful
[color=darkgreen][b]Pollutants, mixed with rain, fall on the ground and form the acid rain. Acid rain severely damages the local ecosystem, leading to the death of water plants and fish（酸雨的形成和危害）[/b][/color]. [color=purple][b]（事例）[/b][/color]In addition, historical buildings, for instance, the forbidden city and Great wall in china, have been damaged by acid rain. Most important, acid rain can endanger people’s health, leading to various diseases.[/size]
[size=3]
  In addition, huma activity has caused severe [b][color=blue]deforestation[/color][/b]. [color=green][b]（先对现状加以描述引导危害然后举例）[/b][/color]The situation will destroy the balance of the ecosystem and endanger the interests of the human race in the long run. To meet their various needs fo farmland, building materials and industries, human beings cut downvast areas of forests every year. According and industries, human beings cut down vast areas of forests every year. [color=purple][b]（数字做例子）[/b][/color]According to statistics, the tropical rain forests are cut down at a rate of 14 million hectares a year. Without the protection of forests, severe soil erosion happens as result in America, [color=purple][b]（例子）[/b][/color]the famous Dust Bowl happened three times in the 1930s.the similar thing  happened in Beijing. Sand storms have inflicted heavy damages on Beijing in recent years. The sand storms which devastate Beijing every spring have their roots in a La Shen Meng,a district of the inner Mongolia. Devere deforestation has removed the protective plant cover from the topsoil. As a result, tens of millions of tons of sand and topsoil would be carried away into the air. And after traveling thousands of miles, it would darken the skies of Beijing local people’s health, giving rise to various respiratory diseases.

[color=darkorchid][b][color=blue]All in all, human activity has given rise to various problems, such as the global warming, the acid rain and the deforestation[/color].[/b][/color] These problems have inflicted heavy damages on the environment. If human beings fall to take the negative effects of their activity seriously and take effective measures to resolve these problems, their survival will be at risk.

[/size][size=5][color=magenta][b]蓝色部分为全文逻辑框架， 绿色为分析论证  紫色标注的例子是举例论证， 开头孔子的话为亮点， 孔子当然没说过这句话是作者合理创造的[/b][/color][/size]

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-8-28 20:43 编辑 [/i]]