查看完整版本: 各路大侠帮我看看吧，这样的手法是否比较冒险．．．

各路大侠帮我看看吧，这样的手法是否比较冒险．．．

第二次写而已　８.２４就考了　　感觉词汇还是很低级　
自己不太擅长写议论文吖　用这种写法不知道会不会冒险　拜托大家帮帮我看看！！！
52. What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.  

“It’s a long long journey, till I know where I’m supposed to be .It’s a long long journey , I don’t know if I can believe. When shadows fall and block my eyes, I am lost and know that I must hide. It’s a long long journey……” Every night, this song will come in my mind, and I will sing in my dream, sing by my soul, that I want a stage, a stage to step on , a stage where I can show myself to all other people.
Yes, I want a stage, and all guys at my age are calling for a stage. I open my diary softly, and slightly, being afraid of waking my dreams up .Please keep quiet, and listen. Now, I will show you my words, which come from my deep soul.
1st,June.    Sunny
What a fantastic day today! I even can’t help screaming during the rest of the day after our perfect performance to show my excitement! In the Children’s Day party, we sang and danced, using our voices and bodies to show our love of the stage. When we heard the applause clapped by all audiences and saw the happy smiles hanging on their faces, the sense of satisfaction and happiness felt as if we were shock by a thunder. Tears drop out of our eyepits, hearts beating so fiercely that it may even jump put of our chests. We love this stage, and we belong to the stage. Here, we realized our values and even the meaning of our lives.
7th October   Rainy
Today, I lost the singing competition. I know what it meat Not only lost the chance to gain the prize, but also the opportunity to stand on the stage to share my voice with others. I know, the stage is small, the chances are limited…
                   ……….
I slowly points out each words in my diary, touching them and feeling them. These words are seeds that buried in my mind It gradually grows up, and I know that one day it will grow up into a strong tree and it will be so tall that even can touch the sky. A large stage can be its sunshine and life source, and that’s what people in my age calling our hometown to provide. On the stage , we will become more than we could be.

请搂主明白一件事情，TOEFL考察的是学术论文的写能力，也就是 Academic Writting ，不是散文 不是日记 更不要歌词。所以我不推荐你这么去写。 Furthermore, 我不知道你的观点是什么，也看不出你文章和题目的紧密关系。