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大家使劲拍吧！

[size=9pt][font=Times New Roman][font=Verdana][size=15pt]钱是工作最重要的方面吗？[/size][/font]


[font=Verdana][size=15pt]Many people think money takes the most important role of a job, because more money can give them a better life materially, they can buy beautiful clothes, big and luxurious apartment, and a good car. Indeed, no one can deny money is a dispensable part of life and we cannot live without money. However, I think money is not the most important aspect of a job.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=15pt]There are numerous kinds of jobs in the world, and different works have their different meaning. Maybe some kinds of workers earn less money than business man, but they do tremendous contribution to the society. Such as cleaners, they do so much work to make sure our city clean and tidy, but they just get little money to earn their family. And soldiers, they practise hardly to keep our society safe and stable. Not mention the little money they got, sometimes their lives could be threatened by enemies and criminals, but they still choose to be a soldier. I believe it is because their heart and soul want to dedicate themselves to serve the society and people, but not for money![/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=15pt]Moreover, many people do their work not for money but for their dreams. Does Bill Gates works for money? I think it is easy to answer because he still has so much money even after he devoted 450 million dollar! He wants to realize his dream--produce better software than windows XP, such as Vista system--by work, so he can feel happy when he success. Another example, George Bush, the president of the U.S., he wants to give a better society to the American, so he works hardly everyday. And apparently, he doesn't want to get money from his job. Everyone has his own dream, and I think whether the job can help you realize your dream is an important aspect of a job.[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=15pt]The last but not least, the happiness you can get from your job is more important than money. Some people become more and more frigid and cold-blooded in severe competitions, even use illegal means to make profit, and I think they could not feel happy because they are anxious and apprehensive all day. This kind of life is deserved? I don't think so, and as I concerned, I want a job which doesn’t need high-pay, but need plenty of time I can relax and stay with my family.[/size][/font]
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搂主简单句用的过多，所用单词过于normal。例证不够有说服力。语言显得生涩。不过搂主有段落结构的概念，但是需要以不同方式来加强结构感，而不是简单的First ， moreover, the last. 以下是简单的修改：
(原句）Many people think money takes the most important role of a job, because more money can give them a better life .....
（修改）Many people think [color=red]that[/color] money [color=red]plays[/color] the most important role in a job, because[color=red] the more[/color] money they earn [color=red]the more[/color] [color=red]comfurtable[/color] life they can get......（写作时加that 显得比较formal。）

(原句）Indeed, no one can deny money is a [color=red]dispensable[/color] part of ............(使用前请确认词的意思）
（修改）Indeed, no one can deny [color=red]that[/color] money is a [color=red]indispensible[/color] part of.........

Such as cleaners, they..........(such as 不能放句首）顺便说一句国外cleaner赚的很多，只是没人愿意做。
.....contribution to the societ, such as cleaners, they do so much work to [color=red]keep[/color] our city clean and tidy.......（注意用词的语境）

And soldiers, they practise .....(and 不能放句首）

[color=red]Not mention the little money they got[/color], sometimes their lives could be threatened by enemies and criminals, but they still choose to be a soldier. （这部分中国英语。。）
（修改）Besides a low salary they get, they insist on doing this job with a brave heart and strong responsibility even though sometimes their lives could be threatend by enemies and criminals.
诸如以上的这些句子，同样的意思搂主需要重新改写。时间有限，先到这里。