许轶满分作文阅读笔记（每天更新）
据考试还有两个月~~~在学术的小艾的建议下~~开始坚定踏实的走我的写作提高路~~~~~开这个帖子，是想把学习许轶的满分作文的例子的过程记录下来，和大家共勉进步，同时可以鞭策我好好的完成这项任务……
我的毅力实在不大好的说…………
另：刚想起来，许轶满分作文的电子版地址：[url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-18659-1-1.html]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-18659-1-1.html[/url]
非常谢谢小艾~~和坛子里所有的朋友………………
OK， 开始……
[[i] 本帖最后由 棉花糖落落 于 2008-8-10 19:34 编辑 [/i]]
Topic 1 你是否同意在家附近开工厂
[size=10.5pt][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]说明：[color=plum]紫色部分是原书修改意见[/color]；[/size][/font][/b][/align][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]【[/size][/font][/b][b]1[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]】[/size][/font][/b][b]TOPIC #005:[/b][/align]
[align=left]A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near where you live. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new addition to your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.[/align]
[align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文（[/size][/font][/b][b]4.5[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分左右）[/size][/font][/b][b]:（紫色部分是专家修改：6分）[/b][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]There are quite few factories in my community. (2)A new factory’s erection would have not only positive, but also negative effects on our community such as pollution. (3) However, I strongly believe the construction of a factory would bring us more advantages than disadvantages and therefore I fully support this idea.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0](1) At present, there are few factories where my friends and family and I live, and the construction of a new one would have both positive and negative effects on our community. (2) Over all, I believe the new factory would give us more advantages than disadvantages.[/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文稍显啰嗦重复。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后，第一句直接点题，并迅速交代背景。[b][color=#ff3399]主题句，[b]应尽量简单明确[/b][/color][/b][/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第二句：[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]错误在于[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]erection[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的误用。通常我们可以用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]set up[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]found[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]和[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]build[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]来讲建起某个实物，而[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]erect[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]更多的是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]“[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]使竖立[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]”[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的意思，在表[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]“[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]建立[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]”[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]时通常指建立组织，因此，用在此不合适。在平时积累词语时要注意词语经常使用的语境，而不要只根据中文意思记词。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]语言点：[/size][/font]positive & negative [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]和[/size][/font] advantage & disadvantage[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的相互替换，避免重复[/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=宋体][/font] [/align]
[align=left](4)Frankly speaking, building a new factory surely has several disadvantages. (5)For example, one of the main factors for the pollution of the environment comes from factories. (6) My neat city would grieve about the building of a factory. (7)In the past, children and adults loved to go for a walk in the neighboring park and relax on the cozy bench breathing the fresh air from the evergreens. (8)Moreover, our city is one of the most unpolluted cities in the country. (9)Thus, a new factory would definitely contaminate the life of most of the inhabitants.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0](3) It is true that building a factory would cause a number of problems, one of the worst of which would probably be pollution. (4) The children and adults of our community love to go for walks in the park and relax on the cozy benches, breathing the fresh air. (5) A new factory would contaminate the living space of most of our city’s inhabitants to some degree. (6) It would also create extra noise and not look attractive.[/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]语言的精炼[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的第三句概括了原文的第[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，个人觉得[/size][/font]worst[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]用的非常好，一方面体现了[/size][/font]the main factors,[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]同时也表现了其程度。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left]Pollution of the environment[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]是常用的中式英语，在英文中，[/size][/font]pollution[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]直接就表示环境污染。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文的第[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句删除，啰嗦，同时我觉得本文想表达的是支持，那么说城市会因为建工厂而伤心，会影响主题的表达[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font]8[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句删除，啰嗦，我觉得表达牵强[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句改为第[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，具体化问题，细节描述，客观性增强[/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=宋体][/font] [/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]10[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]However, the building of a factory will inevitably bring a lot of advantages. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]11[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Firstly, a factory would cause more jobs available.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]12[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font] Some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]13[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]The poor people poke their feeble hands in the street baskets. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]14[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Others have an inadequate income and often they cannot secure the food they need.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]15[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Besides, graduates cannot find work, just because the employment rate is nearly the lowest in the country. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]16[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]The factory, however, would provide a lot of jobs, because it would need not only qualified people, but also workmen. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]17[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]In this way, many residents would have the opportunities for normal life. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]18[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Therefore, I strongly agree on erecting a mill near our community.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0](7) However, the advantages of a new factory clearly outweigh the drawbacks. (8) The single most important thing would the factory do would be to create jobs. (9) We are in desperate need of economic revitalization. (10) As things stand now, some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. (11) The homeless rummage through trash cans for food; the laid-off workers have an inadequate income and often cannot meet their rent; and even the well-educated have trouble finding proper work, because the employment rate here is nearly the lowest in the country. (12) New industry would provide a great deal of jobs, since it requires people not just for labor, but for middle and upper management as well. (13) With the opportunities provided by the factory, many residents may lead a more comfortable life. (14) The small amount of economic stimulation from one factory could be just what we need to break this cycle of recession and attract investment from outside.
(15) New businesses and cultural centers could start appearing, none of which pollute. [/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文的第十句改为第七句，我觉得有个思维的关系在里面，欧美的直线化思维，讲究把主要的先说出来。那么就是先提出来[/size][/font]advantage[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，同时与前一段改后的第[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句相比，更改了一下句式，使文章不那么生硬[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]11[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句改为第[/size][/font]8[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，首先有个用词的问题，增加就业机会：[/size][/font]create jobs[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]；[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后第[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句做解释和引申[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]12[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句改为第[/size][/font]10[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，增加[/size][/font]as things stand now,[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]表面时间，更客观。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left]13[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]14[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]15[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改为第[/size][/font]11[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句。我觉得改了以后思维和逻辑很完整，而且形成排比气势强烈，其他的说不出来，就是觉得好。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个句子由一些英文不怎么地道的人来看也许会觉得比较有文采，但是由外国人看的话很可能不知道在讲些什么。不要用一些生硬的词将中文生译成英语，那样一是很可能因为失去语言的流畅感，二是因为中西文化的差异，同一个意思的表述方式很可能不同，三是这种译法可能会使用一些不符合语境的词，如这里的[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]poke[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。要确定一些日常用语的说法，如垃圾箱是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]trash can[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]或[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]dustbin[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，而不是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]street basket.[/color][/align]
[align=left]16[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句改为第[/size][/font]12[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，[/size][/font]require[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个词和[/size][/font]need[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的替换，还有就是[/size][/font]but[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]后面的内容是强调的，工人[/size][/font]worker—labor, [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]中高层管理人员：[/size][/font]middle and upper management[/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]增加第[/size][/font]13[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]14[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，是对建设工厂优点的肯定，可能也有思维的关系，中国人讲究意犹未尽，外国人讲究平铺直述，好，为什么好，要说出来的。从具象到抽象，也比较客观令人信服。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的第[/size][/font]15[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句作总结，并对前一段的负面影响做否定，从而支持观点，同时[/size][/font]none of which pollute[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，[/size][/font]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]很简洁。[/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=宋体][/font] [/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]19[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]We can mainly benefit from building a new factory. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]20[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Though it would pollute our city, it would provide many jobs we really require. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]21[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Employment is an immense problem in our state, so the government is trying to find ways to remedy the present situation.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]22[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font] Therefore, I strongly agree on erecting a mill near our community.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0](16) I am convinced that we would mostly benefit from building a new factory. (17) Though it may pollute our city and cause minor annoyances, it would provide many jobs we badly need, and jobs are the first priority when it comes to quality of life. (18) Employment is a very serious problem in our state, and the government can only do so much to solve the problem. (19) Therefore, I strongly favor erecting a factory near our community to help resolve the difficulty facing our city[/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文[/size][/font]19[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句改为[/size][/font]16[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，强调我的观点。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]20[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]21[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句改为[/size][/font]17[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]18[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，我觉得改后的文章都是对原文的深入详细阐述。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]21[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句：这个句子还是用词的问题。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Immense[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]通常不用来修饰[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]problem[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，而[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]remedy[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]也很少与[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]situation[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]相搭配，而是经常与[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]wrongness[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]或[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]mistake[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]连用。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的[/size][/font]19[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，[/size][/font]favor [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]替代[/size][/font]agree on[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]；[/size][/font]difficulty facing[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]：面临的困难[/size][/font][/align]
[b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]专家修改（[/size][/font][/b][b]6[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分）[/size][/font][/b][b]:（赏析）[/b]
[align=left][color=#7030a0]
(1) At present, there are few factories where my friends and family and I live, and the construction of a new one would have both positive and negative effects on our community. (2) Over all, I believe the new factory would give us more advantages than disadvantages.[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0](3) It is true that building a factory would cause a number of problems, one of the worst of which would probably be pollution. (4) The children and adults of our community love to go for walks in the park and relax on the cozy benches, breathing the fresh air. (5) A new factory would contaminate the living space of most of our city’s inhabitants to some degree. (6) It would also create extra noise and not look attractive.[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0](7) However, the advantages of a new factory clearly outweigh the drawbacks. (8) The single most important thing the factory would do would be to create jobs. (9) We are in desperate need of economic revitalization. (10) As things stand now, some of the residents of our city lead miserable lives. (11) The homeless rummage through trash cans for food; the laid-off workers have an inadequate income and often cannot meet their rent; and even the well-educated have trouble finding proper work, because the employment rate here is nearly the lowest in the country. (12) New industry would provide a great deal of jobs, since it requires people not just for labor, but for middle and upper management as well. (13) With the opportunities provided by the factory, many residents may lead a more comfortable life. (14) The small amount of economic stimulation from one factory could be just what we need to break this cycle of recession and attract investment from outside.
(15) New businesses and cultural centers could start appearing, none of which pollute. [/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0](16) I am convinced that we would mostly benefit from building a new factory. (17) Though it may pollute our city and cause minor annoyances, it would provide many jobs we badly need, and jobs are the first priority when it comes to quality of life. (18) Employment is a very serious problem in our state, and the government can only do so much to solve the problem. (19) Therefore, I strongly favor erecting a factory near our community to help resolve the difficulty facing our city[/color][/align]
[color=#7030a0][align=left][color=black][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]总体感觉：[/size][/font][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=black]1、
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]现阶段只能感觉到好，感觉不到为什么好。[/size][/font][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=black]2、
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]文章的思路来讲，写的很细，比如在阐述建造工厂的优点时，原文只是说因为人们的生活水平不高，所以工厂带来的工作机会很有帮助，但是改后具体化了工厂带来的工作机会，会让人们的生活水平提高，并为城市的发展做出贡献。这就深入了，而且有细节，比较可信。[/size][/font][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=black]3、
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]语言：原文一共[/size][/font]22[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，改后[/size][/font]18[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，并且用词和句式很丰富。句子也比较完整。简单句很少。[/size][/font][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=black]4、
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]体会：该简的地方不能啰嗦，该深的地方要深入分析。[/size][/font][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=black]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]词汇的多样化。[/size][/font][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=black]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句式的多样性需要揣摩，但是我目前分析不透。[/size][/font][/color][/align]
[/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/size] 去年就买了，一直没看。。。。。。
订阅你的帖子了。
记得我会每天来看的！ 呃~~~有压力~~谢谢楼上~~也期待你说说你的意见嘛~~大家互相交流~~~~~~(Horse23
渔夫~~嘎嘎~~~多谢称赞哈~~~~~~~
[[i] 本帖最后由 棉花糖落落 于 2008-8-10 17:41 编辑 [/i]]
第二篇：如果你能更改家乡的一个重要事物，改哪个？
[align=left][align=left]8[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]月[/size][/font]10[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]日[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]【[/size][/font][/b][b]2[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]】[/size][/font][/b][b]TOPIC #006:[/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use specific examples to support your answer.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文（[/size][/font][/b][b]5[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分左右）[/size][/font][/b][b]:[/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left](1)If it were my right to choose one thing to be changed about my hometown, I would no doubt make my preference of building several public libraries. (2)This choice is due to the very fact that there has been a serious lack of public libraries, and most of the existing libraries are in extremely bad shape and are poorly equipped.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]If[/color][color=#7030a0] I had the chance to change one thing about my hometown, I would improve its system of libraries. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]There is a serious shortage of libraries where I live, and most of the existing ones are in extremely bad shape and poorly equipped. [/color][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]3[/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]The town is attractive enough, and the economy and education are in good shape – but these last two might not be so good for long if our libraries deteriorate.[/color][/b][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句的修改，简练，开篇要简练[/size][/font]--------[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这是[/size][/font]ETS[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的喜好，用最精简的语言表达管线[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]增加了第[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句。个人觉得这个句子很经典。优点在于，它提出了一个经济和教育非常好作为背景，从而衬托出图书馆不好是多么遗憾的一件事情。这个句子的思路也是可以在多处运用的。使得文章观点更加客观，具体，而且令人容易感同身受。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left](3)The worst situation lies in the insufficient resource of libraries. (4)A foreigner would find it difficult to believe that there are only five or six public libraries in my hometown, whereas in other countries public libraries can be seen here and there. (5)Since the limited number of libraries built, the libraries are open to only a narrow number of readers, which has led to unpleasant result. (6)Not all students at universities can borrow books from the libraries. (7)Consequently many students have difficulties in finding the materials necessary for their professional fields.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The low ratio of books to people is the most serious problem. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] We are far behind cities of comparable size in this respect. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Access to books is very hard for those who do not have cars, and it is difficult for everyone to obtain the books that are in greatest demand. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Furthermore, the process for obtaining a library card is cumbersome, and, absurdly, it excludes a great deal of students.[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]If[/color][color=#7030a0] anyone needs to be able to check out books reliably for schooling and research, it is a student.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一段，我觉得改后的文章比原文来讲，就是具体，把所有问题都具体化，细节化。原文中提到外国人不能相信我们只有[/size][/font]3-5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]家图书馆（我觉得这个不够客观），提到只有少数人能借书，说到学生不容易借到专业书籍。原文将这个细致化，图书馆数量少，改后用没有车的人不方便借书来体现，同时说借书卡不容易办来体现借书程序不方便，然后提到学生为完成学校作业和研究借书而不得。都是将例子具体化了。也就是具体化了，细节也就表现出来了。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]而且在逻辑上，原文显得并列，而改后的文章逻辑呈现递进，环环相扣的感觉非常强；[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]语言点：比如借书困难，我比较常用的表达是[/size][/font]It’s difficult to[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]……，[/size][/font] people found it’s hard to[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]……等，但是改后[/size][/font]Access to books[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]做主语，引导整个句子，最后一句的句式也是我们不常用的，但是这么用了以后，整个文章活泼一些。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0] [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第四句：尽量不要出现这种有关外国人看法的句子。你不是外国人，不会知道人家怎么想，如果人家不这样想，你的文章就有一个很大的缺点。另外，一个城市有五六个图书馆并不是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]difficult to believe[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的事，中国的很多城市并没有图书馆。关键在于改善这些图书馆，要注意对主题的把握。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left](8)The low quality of these public libraries is also a serious problem. (9) The selection of books is not wide and the number of titles is also relatively small. (10)Students cannot easily find what they need here. (11)In addition, books from other countries were imported a long time ago, and most of them are out of date while the world is changing everyday. (12)Moreover, very few libraries have applied information technology into management of books yet. (13) It is an obvious truth that information technology such as searching program would help a reader to find a book within just a few seconds, but without it, the reader would have to spend much more time. (14)Thus the need of introducing advanced technologies is emergent.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Another problem is the low quality of these libraries. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] The range of materials offered is narrow; reference books are out of date, the fiction collection is unimpressive, and the libraries have not acquired new foreign works for about a decade. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] The audiovisual collections, while not essential, could also do with some improvement. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Only two of our six libraries have connected to the Internet and applied new information technology to the management of their volumes. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] [b]While the written card system has its advantages, an online catalogue saves a patron many minutes of searching. [/b][/color][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]14[/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0] It also can provide for the ordering of books from other library districts. [/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]15[/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0] Patrons who are not connected to the Internet at home should have free access to the World Wide Web for research.
[/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]16[/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]The older generations, especially, are going to be lost if they do not know how most people are acquiring new knowledge today. [/color][/b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I would say that our town is in a state of information crisis.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第九句改为第十句，首先[/size][/font]range[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]对[/size][/font]selection[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的替换很出彩，我们在学习英语词汇的时候，都是一对一的记忆，所以在作文这种输出的考试的时候，词汇量表现出了它很大的局限性，所以我们在写作的时候可选的往往都是第一字典词汇。文章就会显得比较僵硬。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文的[/size][/font]10[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]11[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]12[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]在阐述图书馆的问题。我觉得和上一段一样，举例过宽过广，不易使人产生共鸣。比如说学生找不到他们要的书，国外进口的书过期，世界日益变化，这个的确能支撑论点，但是过于广，过于广的后果就是没有细节。而[/size][/font]ETS[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]最注重的就是细节。所以改后，文章讲参考书过期（学生要的），小说质量不好，没有近十年的外国作品。非常的具体形象，说服力很强。同时增加了[/size][/font]11[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，描述视听专辑，也应该有所提升，这样使得内容比较完整。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]同时在对于信息设备的建设中，原文体现了一个细节，就是找东西可以在几秒钟找到。但是建立信息搜索平台的理由，只有这一个显得有些苍白无力。因此在更改中，加入了其他理由，比如可以预约其他图书馆的书目，读者可以上网，老人可以了解新科技，等等，这样内容就丰富完善起来。同时，原文在表达这个平台少的时候，用了数字细节，所以整体看上去真实可信，说服力强。[b]具体的例子才能给人具体的印象，才更具有说服力。[/b][/size][/font][b][/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的[/size][/font][/b][b] 13-16[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句同样可以运用到有关计算机技术的题目中，很好的素材。而且这四个句子的句式都不相同。非常值得学习。[/size][/font][/b][b][/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b] [/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句：[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体]普通：[/font][/color][color=#7030a0]It is an obvious truth that information technology such as searching program would help a reader to find a book within just a few seconds[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]优秀：[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]While the written card system has its advantages, an online catalogue saves a patron many minutes of searching.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]评论：很明显，后句由于准确用词而显得语言使用专业了很多。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Online catalogue[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]比[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]information technology such as searching program[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]要简洁也能体现对英语的了解。平时要注意积累各种日常可能用的词的说法。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0] [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文中第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句：[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]注意图书馆引进书最好用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]introduce[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]而不是用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]import[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，应该注意词的使用语境，不要[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]仅凭中文来用词。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0] [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文中第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0]Apply[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]通常与[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]to[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]相连，而不是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]into[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，记词组的时候要准确。尽量不要出现这种错误。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b] [/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]A subtler problem of quality, but perhaps just as serious, is the physical appearance of the libraries. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] No one wants to go into a building that looks as dingy and run-down as my town’s libraries do. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Even a modest amount of restoration would make these great buildings more inviting to children, who are often the first people to judge by appearances and the last to pick up a book outside of school.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]增加这一段，是针对第一段提出来的现有图书馆的[/size][/font]shape[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的问题，本段在阐述图书馆外形的重要性。这点需要我们注意的就是，开篇提出来什么，在后面的段落中就要解决什么问题。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]三个句子也非常值得学习，三个句子，一个陈述，一个否定，一个递进，干净利落的表达了观点。句子丰富性非常值得学习。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]21[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]My hometown is aching for a better library system. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]22[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I believe that the library is a crucial element in a healthy community, and that it must be there to supplement the schools. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]23[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] The younger generations are receiving an incomplete education as things stand now. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]24[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] They need access to the rich knowledge that their parents and grandparents had, not to mention the new information that is appearing every day. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]25[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] If we could steer more funds toward essential library upkeep, staffing, information technology, and new acquisitions, then we might truly broaden the horizons of our citizens.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]In conclusion, it would be appreciable if my hometown had a good system of libraries.(15) I am quite convinced that these libraries would certainly help the young generations to widen their knowledge and make progress in their studies.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]结尾段详细阐述了建立图书馆的必要性和优点，在文章的基础上递进。使得结尾饱满。就好比托福阅读，结尾的时候它不会单单的说所以这个好或者这个不好，它会很认真的总结前文说的优缺点，然后给出自己的意见。我们写作的时候也应该注意这个，把结尾说饱满。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]全文感觉：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]刚开始分析这个，有很多分析不到位的，由于基础不好，而且刚刚开始作文的复习和认知，所以能感觉到最深的就是它表面反映出来的问题。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这次的心得在于：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]细节的体现，和前一篇文章一起看，可以看出专家的修改对于作者的整体思路是没有大的修改的，但是在作者的内容中增加了很多细节，所以文章读起来特别丰富。不能夸夸奇谈，把论点点到为止，举例应该尽量客观同时越贴近自己周围的生活越好。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]内容的完整，论文的结构，论点，论据，论证，要一一对应，提到什么，就要对什么进行阐述。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句式的变化，这个我说不好。只是觉得它用了很多方法。我计划在[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]天之内完成对句子语法的学习，希望那个时候能更多的学习句子上的问题。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这真是一个学习过程~~说实话~~对我来说~~看原文已经膜拜了~~~~看修改的……我在五体投地~~~~(Horse14 [/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]专家修改（[/size][/font][/b][b]6[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分）[/size][/font][/b][b]:[/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]If[/color][color=#7030a0] I had the chance to change one thing about my hometown, I would improve its system of libraries. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]There is a serious shortage of libraries where I live, and most of the existing ones are in extremely bad shape and poorly equipped. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]3[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The town is attractive enough, and the economy and education are in good shape – but these last two might not be so good for long if our libraries deteriorate.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The low ratio of books to people is the most serious problem. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] We are far behind cities of comparable size in this respect. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Access to books is very hard for those who do not have cars, and it is difficult for everyone to obtain the books that are in greatest demand. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Furthermore, the process for obtaining a library card is cumbersome, and, absurdly, it excludes a great deal of students.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]If[/color][color=#7030a0] anyone needs to be able to check out books reliably for schooling and research, it is a student.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Another problem is the low quality of these libraries. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] The range of materials offered is narrow; reference books are out of date, the fiction collection is unimpressive, and the libraries have not acquired new foreign works for about a decade. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] The audiovisual collections, while not essential, could also do with some improvement. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Only two of our six libraries have connected to the Internet and applied new information technology to the management of their volumes. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] While the written card system has its advantages, an online catalogue saves a patron many minutes of searching. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] It also can provide for the ordering of books from other library districts. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]15[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Patrons who are not connected to the Internet at home should have free access to the World Wide Web for research.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The older generations, especially, are going to be lost if they do not know how most people are acquiring new knowledge today. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I would say that our town is in a state of information crisis.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]A subtler problem of quality, but perhaps just as serious, is the physical appearance of the libraries. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] No one wants to go into a building that looks as dingy and run-down as my town’s libraries do. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Even a modest amount of restoration would make these great buildings more inviting to children, who are often the first people to judge by appearances and the last to pick up a book outside of school.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]21[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]My hometown is aching for a better library system. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]22[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I believe that the library is a crucial element in a healthy community, and that it must be there to supplement the schools. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]23[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] The younger generations are receiving an incomplete education as things stand now. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]24[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] They need access to the rich knowledge that their parents and grandparents had, not to mention the new information that is appearing every day. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]25[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] If we could steer more funds toward essential library upkeep, staffing, information technology, and new acquisitions, then we might truly broaden the horizons of our citizens.[/color][/align][/align] 这个真是强大！！~~~~就是11号的 没发上来(Horse17
加油这样坚持一定满分！ 嗯，其实我觉得你点评的也很有水平嘛，加油，希望继续看到你的帖。
潜心作文其实也很耗时间的，你觉得呢？反复品味，揣摩，每看一遍就有一遍的收获，今天来来回回就看你的这2篇了，呵呵:handshake 落落很强的说(Horse19 (Horse19 谢谢小V灵儿和达达~~
我一个一个说·~~嘎嘎
to: 小V~~我昨天出去玩了·~~米学习~~~~你可以鄙视我·~~呜呜呜
to：灵儿, 谢谢你对我的评价，说实话，对作文我刚刚弄，也不是很有自信的说，但是我觉得多看多积累一定有好处。我非常期待你的看法呢，大家都交流，学习氛围形成了，对彼此都是一个推动和鼓励，对吧~~~加油！
to：达达~~~我每天看这个我都在心里膜拜~~~~我现在的水平差原文都很远·~~~~~呜呜呜
to：eagle版主~~~谢谢~~~
希望大家能在这个学习过程中多交流~~~我一个人的想法可能会有局限性的，而且可能有疏漏.
谢谢~~~~
最近还是分析不到句子上去…………唉唉~~我加油吧·~~~~~~~
8月12日：电视和电影如何影响人们的行为
[align=left][b][u][size=12pt]8[/size][/u][/b][b][u][font=宋体][size=12pt]月[/size][/font][/u][/b][b][u][size=12pt]12[/size][/u][/b][b][u][font=宋体][size=12pt]日[/size][/font][/u][/b][b][u][size=12pt][/size][/u][/b][/align][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]【[/size][/font][/b][b]3[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]】[/size][/font][/b][b]TOPIC #006:[/b][/align]
[align=left]How do movies and television influence people's behavior? Use specific details to support your answer.[/align]
[align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文（[/size][/font][/b][b]4.5[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分左右）[/size][/font][/b][b]:[/b][/align]
[align=left](1)Movies and Television have significant influence on people's behavior. (2)People want to look up to their role models and superstars. (3)Over the years, movies and television have changed the way people dress, act, react, and in the way they speak. (4) In the lines below, reasons and specific details are inhibited to support my answer.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Movies and television have a significant influence on people’s behavior.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] We see all kinds of characters emerge on the screen – clever detectives aggressively pushing people to give them clues, gorgeous models gyrating around to sensual music, cruel villains making the innocent suffer, and countless others.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]3[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Someone, somewhere, is always ready to imitate these characters and those who play them. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Indeed, some actors are hard to distinguish from the people they play.[/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体]笔记：[/font][font=Times New Roman]
[/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句：注意：[/size][/font]a influence on[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。这句没有做很大的修改，作者开篇点题。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]2[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句：这个有比较大的修改。原文讲的，我觉得比较空，因为他说人们尊重他们喜欢的演员和明星，电视和电影在人们的衣着、行为反应和说话方式方面都有很大的影响。这个帽子是很大的，我觉得不能说错，但是给人的印象不深。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]看修改的部分，这个需要我们体会的，我觉得这个开篇开的很好的，直接用形象的例子来描述我们能看到的[/size][/font]characters[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，比如侦探，模特，歹徒。然后点出这些丰富的角色和其扮演者，有很多人在不同的地方都在模仿（直接[/size][/font]infer[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]出影响力）有时候角色和真人已经分不开了。同样四句话，由于生动的例子的加入我们就觉得这个影响力就在周围，很容易接受。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一段的作用，我觉得是点题，同时为了后续的陈述铺垫好一层背景，让读者置身到作者设置的这个环境中，从而更容易理解作者将要出示的论点。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Movies and television have influenced people's way of dressing. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Role models like fashion models, singers, or actors are examples for people's way of dressing or even hairstyle. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]7[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]For example, many teenagers would dress in jeans like the one's Britney Spears had, or they would buy a product just because a superstar wear it. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]8[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Furthermore, if we look to a big example like Marilin Monroe, we find many women dying their hair in blond just because Marilin Monroe was blond and successful.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The most obvious example of the movie and TV’s influence is people’s desire to dress like their idols. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] As early as the 1950’s, women were dyeing their hair to be blonde like that of the legendary starlet, Marilyn Monroe. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Today, young girls want to wear whatever pop star Britney Spears is wearing – be it a pair of fashionably scuffed-up jeans or an alluring navel ring. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Men play this game too, donning outrageous outfits like those of their favorite rock bands.[/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]同样也是四句话。但是，改后的第[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句直接概括了原文的[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，更加精炼。然后改后的时间顺序是前进的，这样逻辑思维比较清楚。同样，讲布兰妮的时候，用[/size][/font]scuffed-up[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（应该是那种比较长的拖地的牛仔裤，然后做旧的那种）来修饰[/size][/font]jeans[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我们一下子就觉得特别贴切，马上就能想得到的一种流行方式；同时对于原文的[/size][/font]product[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，改后用了脐环来表达。同时增加了一句有关[/size][/font]men[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的模仿形式。比如[/size][/font]outrageous outfits[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。这样覆盖面比较广（时代性，男女），非常客观。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这里我觉得学习的东西在于：简和繁的把握。我们常常在该精炼的地方拖沓，在该细致的地方不深入，这样就不容易打动人。比如，在段落的开头，往往会阐述论点，这个段落中心句的标准应该是[b]精简干练[/b]，能用一个词表达就一个词表达，比如[/size][/font]idols, [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]完全涵盖了[/size][/font] fashion model, singer, and actors[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，非常精干。还有就是原文的第[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，[/size][/font]even hairstyle[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，这个部分，应该来说是我们比较熟悉的结构，说实话，我之前就常常在句子后面来一个[/size][/font]even[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]……之类，还以为自己就做到了细节。现在看了改后的[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分作文，才明白，细节不是靠词语的雕琢虚出来的，[b]真正的细节，是具体的，贴近生活的真实的感觉和例子[/b]，即使编，也要编的真实。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]繁，就是深入，把该表达的表达清楚。这个细节是需要挖掘的，不是蜻蜓点水的。不是例举出来人名就是细节。你看改后的[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分作文，[/size][/font]1950[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]年代的玛丽莲梦露的金发碧眼；现在布兰妮的做旧风格裤子，和脐环；男孩模范摇滚明星的一些造型。非常的具体。这个就是深下来的东西。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一句的主要问题在于时态。要注意[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]would[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的用法。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Would[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]与[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]would like to [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]并不是同一个意思也不可以通用。在这个句子的[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]would[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]都是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]would like to [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的意思，要么改成后者要么就干脆删掉。另外，[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]had[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的用法也不对，改成[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]wears[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]或是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]worn[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]比较正确。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]As to the question how television and movies influence people's way of acting and reacting, lots of examples could be provided. (10)People tend to follow the life style they see on the scene. (11)We can refer to the "Flower Power", the Hippies in the 70's.(12) In the 70's, people have a certain way of and acting due to special acting style on televisions and movies. (13)They would listen to the same music, watch the same subjects and live in the same way. (14)For another instance, romantic movies make us to think more about love so we behave differently, other movies teach us important lessons about life, and then, we intend to be better persons.[/align]
[align=left](15)Television and movies have a big impact in the way we speak. (16)People take ideas from what their role models say and then imitate them. (17)For example, many youngsters in China have the same accent as Steven Chow has on the scene, a famous comedy actor in Hong Kong. (18)Human beings want to be interesting and famous, so talking like somebody famous could make them enjoy themselves. (19)In all our lives we tend to reach our goals, we want to be someone famous. (20)By looking up to someone famous and borrow some of his/her behavior, some people reach the goals that they have never achieved.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Many youngsters in China imitate the distinctive Hong Kong accent of comedian Steven Chow. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Youth virtually everywhere in the United States are sounding more and more like Californians because so many television shows and films come out of Hollywood. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] And consumers of media don’t just want to have fashionable accents; they want to carry on whole conversations in the sophisticated, glamorous rhythms of the people they see on the screen. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] What man has never felt the urge to crush an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?
[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The truth is that movies and television affect their viewers at the deepest level – at the level of worldview, values, and consequent behavior. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]15[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] For instance, numerous sports movies convey the idea that one must set goals and work hard to achieve them. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Media can inspire in this way. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] On the other hand, there are countless sources of entertainment that portray violence as a desirable way to solve problems – or as the most practical solution, at any rate. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Ordinary people watch soap operas to escape to a fictional world of fast living and luxury, but they often show their enthusiasm by imitating the petty, arrogant, self-absorbed personages in these shows who supposedly represent the wealthy.
[/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个主体部分的改动比较大的。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文的第三段删掉了，我觉得原文在思维上有些混乱，他举的例子是电影电视影响人们的生活方式；然后说影响人们的说话方式。这个逻辑不是很清楚。第一，生活方式是一个很广的词汇，[/size][/font]acting and reacting[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个概念也很含糊。原文支持的论据是：[/size][/font]”Flower Power”[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]和浪漫的电影。但是这个表述表达的也很含糊，说人们会追随[/size][/font]”FP”[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]听歌，和他们的生活方式，但是这个让人听得觉得很空，浪漫电影让我们思考爱情，所以我们的行为[/size][/font]differently[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，但是就近怎么[/size][/font]different, [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]怎么影响，在读完这一段，我们还是不能有很好的概念。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]修改的部分承认了原文的影响人们说话方式的这一段。看原文的第[/size][/font]15[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]16[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，对比改后的第[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，[/size][/font]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我们可以感到精简和细节的融合。[/size][/font][color=#7030a0]Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.
[/color][font=Times New Roman]Deeper,[/font][font=宋体]表现出段落的递进，[/font][font=Times New Roman]accents and patterns[/font][font=宋体]也非常具体。举例，改后沿用了香港的[/font][font=Times New Roman]”Steven Chow”[/font][font=宋体]原文的[/font][font=Times New Roman]have[/font][font=宋体]，我觉得不准确，因为他的口音是人们模仿而来的，不是天生具备的，所以用[/font][font=Times New Roman]imitate[/font][font=宋体]要好点，增加了因为好莱坞一个人们蜂拥而至美国加州的例子，使文章丰富，同时也显得例证不单薄，最后表明人们想学的，不仅仅是口音，还有所有的方式。[/font]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]最后采用疑问句收尾：[/size][/font][color=#7030a0]What man has never felt the urge to crush an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?
[/color][font=宋体]这个句子我觉得也很经典的。属于我们不大会用的句法之一。用疑问句做例子，同时表达人们想要模仿的是角色的一种思想。[/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体]新增的这一段，首先我想说的是注意“[/font][font=Times New Roman]deepest[/font][font=宋体]”这个词，前一段有个词是[/font][font=Times New Roman]deeper,[/font][font=宋体]论点的展开一共三段，层层递进的关系非常清楚，内容讲述也是：从外表的模仿，到说话的方式到世界观价值观和行为的影响，从内容到结构上都非常严谨，这个我觉得是应该学习的，我们在驾驭英文作文的时候，很容易就会说空话。这个给人的感觉，要么就是逻辑不够严谨，要么就是说话人无话可说。相信写过论文的同学都有感觉，当定论文题目的时候，通常是范围越小，越容易把问题说清楚。托福作文大多是议论文，所以在结构和内容的要求上，都是越严谨，越切合实际，越好。[/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]对于世界观和价值观影响的论证，一共举了三个例子，一个正面（体育电影让人们努力取得成绩）两个反面（很多剧情诱导人们暴力是解决问题的最好途径；看肥皂剧摆脱现实但是变得虚荣）。它的概念很大，但是例子非常具体贴切。文章中一共举了很多例子，但是都特别贴切，非常容易让人接受。这个是我们在写作中应该特别注意的。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体]改后第[/font][font=Times New Roman]10[/font][font=宋体]句[/font][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后比原文更符合逻辑以及文章主题的要求，也更简洁。这里突出的是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]imitate[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个词，而非[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]have the same accent[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，要注意根据文章需要选择适当的动词。而且尽量使词语富有变化性，不要一直用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]have, get, go[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这种过于概括的词。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体]改后第[/font][font=Times New Roman]13[/font][font=宋体]句[/font][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]如果你有几个例子可以举的话，通常三个比较易于接受。而且这三个的句式最好富于变化或者用一个句子把它们统一起来。这里，在用了两个陈述句后，采用了一个反问句，行文更为活泼。但注意在用疑问句的时候，避免太过于口语化。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font]14[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文中的[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]For another instance, romantic movies make us to think more about love so we behave differently, other movies teach us important lessons about life, and then, we intend to be better persons.[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一句开头说举一个例子，但实际上给出了两个很不具体的例子。如果举例的话应注意例子一定要具体，如果泛泛而谈的话，就不能叫例子了。另外，也没有[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]for another instance[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这种说法。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]For instance[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]是一个固定词组，另外举例可以是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]give another example/instance[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。不要想当然地改变某个固定词组。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align]
[align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]21[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Movie and television form a very powerful means of communication, and they have influenced people's behavior in various fields.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]22[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Sometimes it occurs in a positive, sometimes in a negative manner, depending on what we pick up from television and movies and add to our behavior.[/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Some people will always imitate speech and actions that they see numerous times, even when the speech and actions are downright reprehensible.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Indeed, people from all belief systems have complained that the media are making society more violent, reckless, and uncaring with these portrayals. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]21[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] What we can tell artists to portray or not to portray is for another essay. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]22[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] However, it is undeniable that life imitates art to a great degree.[/color][/align]
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[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]结尾段，同样也是非常重要的一段。原文在结尾中也提到了[/size][/font]negative manner[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，但是这个在前文中并没有提过，这么出现在结尾段中，是非常唐突的。而且，最后一句收尾并不好，因为我们从影视中选择什么不是这个话题。我们讨论的是影视对我们有没有影响，而不是有什么样的影响，这个也是要非常注意的一点。[/size][/font][/align]
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[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]看修改后的文字。看[/size][/font]21[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，也是非常好的思路，一方面继续肯定了人们会模仿一些言论和行为（对于上文的延续），一方面讲有甚至一些是不好的（对前一段呼应），这个句子的思路很完整的，然后[/size][/font]22[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句继续讲我们觉得的不好的因素，但是第[/size][/font]21[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句马上就说，这个不是我们讨论的范围，[/size][/font]22[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句直接点题，不管好不好，影视都已经非常深入的影响了我们的生活。[/size][/font][/align]
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[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]整篇文章，正面阐述[/size][/font]+[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]反面驳斥，思路非常的完整。我觉得这篇文章最值得学习和玩味的就是作者的思路。严谨，完整。非常的客观。结构上层层递进，段与段之间相呼应，段与文章之间也相呼应，是写作初期思路规范中非常好的典范。[/size][/font][/align]
[align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]专家修改（[/size][/font][/b][b]6[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分）[/size][/font][/b][b]:[/b][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Movies and television have a significant influence on people’s behavior.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] We see all kinds of characters emerge on the screen – clever detectives aggressively pushing people to give them clues, gorgeous models gyrating around to sensual music, cruel villains making the innocent suffer, and countless others.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]3[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Someone, somewhere, is always ready to imitate these characters and those who play them. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Indeed, some actors are hard to distinguish from the people they play.
[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The most obvious example of the movie and TV’s influence is people’s desire to dress like their idols. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] As early as the 1950’s, women were dyeing their hair to be blonde like that of the legendary starlet, Marilyn Monroe. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Today, young girls want to wear whatever pop star Britney Spears is wearing – be it a pair of fashionably scuffed-up jeans or an alluring navel ring. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Men play this game too, donning outrageous outfits like those of their favorite rock bands.[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Yet the influence runs deeper, changing accents and patterns of speech.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Many youngsters in China imitate the distinctive Hong Kong accent of comedian Steven Chow. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Youth virtually everywhere in the United States are sounding more and more like Californians because so many television shows and films come out of Hollywood. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] And consumers of media don’t just want to have fashionable accents; they want to carry on whole conversations in the sophisticated, glamorous rhythms of the people they see on the screen. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] What man has never felt the urge to crush an annoying foe, and, as he does it, to toss off a clever insult like one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters might?
[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The truth is that movies and television affect their viewers at the deepest level – at the level of worldview, values, and consequent behavior. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]15[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] For instance, numerous sports movies convey the idea that one must set goals and work hard to achieve them. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Media can inspire in this way. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] On the other hand, there are countless sources of entertainment that portray violence as a desirable way to solve problems – or as the most practical solution, at any rate. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Ordinary people watch soap operas to escape to a fictional world of fast living and luxury, but they often show their enthusiasm by imitating the petty, arrogant, self-absorbed personages in these shows who supposedly represent the wealthy.
[/color][/align]
[align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Some people will always imitate speech and actions that they see numerous times, even when the speech and actions are downright reprehensible.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Indeed, people from all belief systems have complained that the media are making society more violent, reckless, and uncaring with these portrayals. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]21[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] What we can tell artists to portray or not to portray is for another essay. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]22[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] However, it is undeniable that life imitates art to a great degree.[/color][/align]
[[i] 本帖最后由 棉花糖落落 于 2008-8-12 18:22 编辑 [/i]] 然我们跟着落落一起进步！
这本书的第6章提供的30篇专家精改的文章是非常重要的资源！
很多人在写作文时都会遇到从中等分数向高分甚至满分冲刺的瓶颈问题， 看专家的修改无疑对提升自己的写作实力， 发现自己的缺点非常有帮助！
对于那些刚开始备考的小马也是非常有价值的， 可以让大家明白什么样的文章是满分文章， 什么样的文章是good 什么样的文章是fair 好文章好在哪里， 都是大家琢磨的地方， 落落给大家抛砖引玉希望大家一起行动起来 利用好这个宝贵的资源 太强大了，我怎么才看到呜呜(Horse13 (Horse13 (Horse13
回复 5# 的帖子
落落，我给你捉个虫，We are far behind cities of comparable size in this respect，是不是应该是aspect？我看到原文也是这样的其实，只是觉得应该改过来。
另外，关于你的作文，呵呵，其实大家都一样的，别说你还有2个月呢，我16号就要上考场了，作文还是觉得差强人意呢，总是在写的时候退缩，想看例文。 [quote]原帖由 [i]水妖灵儿[/i] 于 2008-8-12 22:30 发表 [url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=204358&ptid=19449][img]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
落落，我给你捉个虫，We are far behind cities of comparable size in this respect，是不是应该是aspect？
我看到原文也是这样的其实，只是觉得应该改过来。
另外，关于你的作文，呵呵，其实大家都一样的，别说 ... [/quote]
谢谢灵儿~~~~~看的好细啊~~~大家共同进步嘛~~~~~(Horse23
电视影响人们交流
[align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]【[/size][/font][/b][b]4[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]】[/size][/font][/b][b]TOPIC #008:[/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Use specific examples to support your opinion.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文（[/size][/font][/b][b]5[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分左右）[/size][/font][/b][b]:[/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left](1)It is widely believed that television has destroyed communication among friends and family, because watching television takes much time away from communication with them. (2)However, I think that the reason that we have no time to communicate with friends or family can not be blamed on watching television. (3)In this essay, the reasons are introduced as below.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]It is widely believed that television has destroyed communication among friends and family, because it dulls the brain and takes up time that a person could otherwise use for interacting with other people. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Perhaps we do not have enough time to communicate, but I do not think television is entirely responsible; indeed, I plan to discuss here some ways in which television actually enhances communication. [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]先说总体：首先，我觉得原文的结构属于我们常见的开篇类型，第一句联系题目，展开背景，第二句，表达观点，第三句引出下文。我看的时候觉得第[/size][/font]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句和第[/size][/font]2[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句存在着一些重复，原文风格感觉比较朴实。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句的修改出现在后半部分，由原文的没多少时间沟通，改成[/size][/font]dulls the brain [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]并且占据了人们可以本用来交流的时间。这种表达比没多少时间沟通来讲，生动形象了很多，更好的表达了人们认为电视破坏人们交流的感觉。同时，从支持电视影响交流的人群的口吻，讲述他们的理由，使得文章整体显得客观[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句和第[/size][/font]2[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句连起来看，我们会发现改后的文章做了很好的替代，一个是[/size][/font]interacting [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]和[/size][/font]communication[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的替代，一个是句式的替代；[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我觉得我们在写作中，经常用的句式就是[/size][/font]I think[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]……，[/size][/font]I believe[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]……等等，可能与我们的说话习惯有关，比如就我今天这个笔记，已经用了两次我觉得……后面跟了一堆句子；但是修改后的部分选用部分假设[/size][/font]Perhaps[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]……然后再[/size][/font]I do not think[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，这种句子的安排，给我的感觉至少灵活了许多，我看原文第一段的时候，感觉有点像看模板，很规矩，但并不吸引人。第二句中我觉得还值得一提的词是：[/size][/font]indeed[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，这个词，用一种递进的方式引出作者观点：电视可以促进交流。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]整个开篇，给人的感觉非常的完整，文章显得跌宕起伏，同时也成功的吊起来读者的胃口。先点题，很多人认为电视影响交流，因为它使我们思维简单（这个我翻不出来）而且占用了本可以交流的时间，[/size][/font][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]然后顺承前一句同时点明自己观点，承认可能我们可能确实没时间交流，但并不是电视的责任，然后递进，作者观点认为电视是可以促进交流的。逻辑结构非常的清晰完整，层次感很强。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句：[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我们先把这一句的支干去掉，这个句子就成为[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]the reason can not be blamed on watching television.[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]那么错误就很清楚了。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Reason[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]是没有错的，怎么[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]blame[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]呢？正确的应该是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]we cannot blame the television for having no time to communicate with friends or family[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。在写完一个较长的句子后，将这个句子简化一下可以帮助我们找出我们的错误和不足。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Firstly, television does not ensure the necessary conditions of people’s lack in time spent with friends and family.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Life is all about choices, and television only provides us a choice which could be, but not must be the replacement of communication of people.(6) People reduce their time of association with others, only because they are tired of this, or their time is occupied by some important affairs, but not because television has stripped them of their chances.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]3[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Firstly, we cannot blame television itself for wasting our time. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Life is full of choices, and there is not a single thing forcing anyone to sit for hours in front of the television – say, the need to pay the rent, or to keep the house clean. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] If anything [i]compels[/i] people to spend time apart from one another, it is career and education. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In the highly competitive United States, especially, many people must work long hours just to provide themselves with the basics, and the best jobs require rigorous academic study. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] But these commitments do not require any significant use of one’s television. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Frankly, I believe people should exercise the will power not to loaf endlessly in front of the screen.
[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]说实话，原文第[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句我看了很久才弄明白，这个是不是西方的思维，我不确定。所以先不做点评，改后的第[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句我觉得清晰直观。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font], Life is all about choices,[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]生活充满选择，这个句子是我们可以留着在很多地方使用的。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文的第[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句和改后的第[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句对比，我觉得还是一个具体性的问题，原文的第[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，显得很空很虚，读完以后还是不能让人很信服，改后的表达的与原文是一个意思，但是我们看着很清楚，很贴切。看电视不是一个单一的强迫性的事情，比如交房租和做家务，这种很生活化的例子，很容易获得读者的认同。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]后面的部分阐述人们不愿意沟通的原因，改后的部分展开的很好。我们常常说展开展开，但是展开不是词语堆积，需要有例子的支持，这就是深入。同时可以注意一下，改后的文章用了假设条件句，打破了一直平铺直叙的陈述。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]然后用美国人做例子，来解释人们不愿意沟通的原因来自于就业和学习的压力，说明这个和电视无关。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我们可以感受一下这个展开方式，先说电视本身并不会浪费我们的时间，然后讲电视并不是一个必须单一的选择，然后说会让我们不愿意沟通的是就业和学习，然后举美国人们的就业压力和学业压力。一点一点的渗透，这就是展开和细节。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]注意[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]lack[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的用法。一般[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]lack of [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]接名词，[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]lack in[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]接动名词，表达的意思也有些不同。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]7[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]On the other hand, television supplies sufficient opportunities for us to kill time with our friends and family, which actually enhances our communication with other people.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]8[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]For example, in the weekends we can sit before television and enjoy the shows along with our friends or family.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]We can watch the commonly favorite programs and share our views together. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]10[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Through such activities we get more understanding in each others. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]11[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Thus communication could also be progressed by help of television.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Critics of TV like to invoke an image of a whole family, sitting in a row with faces like zombies, not speaking to one another because the idiotic programs have turned their brains to mush. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] However, it is simplistic to dismiss all of television’s content as garbage, let alone garbage that will rot out the mind and poison relationships. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In fact, there are plenty of scientific, historical, and hard-news shows that provide real issues for friends and families to discuss. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] What better way to bond with one’s closest relatives than to share and compare one another’s views on important matters? [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Even if the programming is mediocre, the ritual of getting together for a favorite show can still unite people.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一段可以说也有较大的更改。同样是[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句话，改后基本都是长句子。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的第[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句是一个很值得学习的想法，它展现出一个很形象的情景，而且呼应了第一段提到的[/size][/font]dull the brain[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，然后用[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句话进行反驳，并不是所有的节目都没有营养，优秀的节目，科学，历史和新闻（细节，细节）给了我们谈资，[/size][/font]12[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句用了一个反问句，[/size][/font]13[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句递进，表达电视是可以让人们在一起相互沟通。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]：[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的驳斥，非常到位，同时也显得非常客观，很有说服力。而原文中的[/size][/font]8[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]、[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句相对重复，而且没有细节。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这两段一对比，我们就会发现原文的苍白无力，但是原文的思维和句式习惯，是我们所熟知和常用的，我们觉得好，是因为我们没有对比，那么经过这个满分的对比以后，我想对于逻辑，句式和内容我们都有很多可以学习的地方。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0]1．
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]评论：[/size][/font][/color][/b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一句点出了反对者的观点，而在原文中则忽视了这一点。通常在支持反对型的文章里最好能很简短的把跟你意见不一的观点摆出来，然后进行反驳。这样不仅增加了说服力，而且由于对比也使文章不那么单调。当然，在批驳的同时，一定要摆出自己的观点和更有说服力的证明，不能只驳不立。另外这一句的用词也很考究，带有一种讽刺但又不尖刻，值得学习。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]12[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Moreover, television is a good tool to make friends. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]13[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Recent development of technologies has provided many ways for people to communicate with others. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]14[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]For example, we can meet some new friends through television telephone as well as internet. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]15[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Television sometimes provides us a platform of contacting with the outside world and broadening our visions.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Finally, all complaints about television’s content aside, the technology itself has provided many ways for people to communicate with each other. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]15[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] For a while now, home videos have preserved many precious moments that are much more vivid than still photographs. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Soon, too, a great number of telephones will feature screens on which the speakers can see one another. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] This certainly makes for a more intimate conversation than a simple telephone does. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] “Sesame Street” was a huge innovation in children’s programming; while the content was, in fact, excellent, the use of the medium to teach numbers and letters helped many youngsters to learn effectively.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的第[/size][/font]14[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，[/size][/font]all complaints about television’s content aside,[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个是对前文的一个呼应，然后提到本段主题，[/size][/font]technology[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。我们可以深刻的感觉到这个逻辑的缜密性，环环相扣。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]把阐述部分作对比，我们又发现了原文深入不下去，相对比，改后的文章用了三个论据来支撑论点，而原文只提到了一个，这一个还没有说透，哪个有说服力，不言而喻。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]三个论据：一个是[/size][/font]video[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，影像设备，记录美好的生活瞬间，一个是电视电话方便交流，还有就是芝麻街的对孩子的意义。一点点深入，这些例子，也可以作为我们的积累。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句式，我觉得第[/size][/font]14[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，和[/size][/font]18[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，都非常值得学习。在读了这么几篇文章，我们可以感到专家改后的文章，句子的严谨性也非常好，没有句子可以随便从文章中拿掉。而且在内容表达上也很少重复。句子和句子之间的衔接以及句意的传承都很值得学习[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，改后第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]评论：[/size][/font][/color][/b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]前面的这一句的缺点在于想用尽可能简练的话表达意思但却并没有达到想要达到的目的。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Meet through television telephones[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]本身是一个不怎么准确的表达方式，因为[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]meet[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]更多的是见面的意思，而落脚点选择在电话上而非屏幕上就有一点问题。后一句则要明白很多。同时要学会使用定语从句来给文章加分。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left]In conclusion, while some people think that television has destroyed communication among friends and family, I believe that television is a good contributor to communication with others.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]In my opinion, television receives too much undue criticism. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] While TV has certainly been a large part of many problems, it is up to people to write and produce better shows, and to engage their families and friends on a deeper level, whether they do this through the medium of television or not.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]想一下在全文中，作者表达缺少沟通不是电视的责任，用了很多的表达方式：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]I do not think television is entirely responsible[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（第[/size][/font]2[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句）[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]Firstly, we cannot blame television itself for wasting our time.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（第[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句）[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]In my opinion, television receives too much undue criticism. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（第[/size][/font]19[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句）[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]内容的转换，也是我们需要注意和学习的。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第[/size][/font]20[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句我觉得非常值得学习，这也是一个层层递进的关系，但是对于[/size][/font]whether[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]那个部分，我也没有弄得太清楚，我也希望听听大家的见解。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我觉得在初期阶段，我们最应该“洗脑”的就是一个思维架构的创建和一些内容的积累。注意适应并且熟悉这种严谨的思维结构和深入讨论的方式。这个在初期阶段，我个人认为比句子的精炼有更重要的意义。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]专家修改（[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]6[/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分）[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]:[/color][/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]It is widely believed that television has destroyed communication among friends and family, because it dulls the brain and takes up time that a person could otherwise use for interacting with other people. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Perhaps we do not have enough time to communicate, but I do not think television is entirely responsible; indeed, I plan to discuss here some ways in which television actually enhances communication. [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]3[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Firstly, we cannot blame television itself for wasting our time. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Life is full of choices, and there is not a single thing forcing anyone to sit for hours in front of the television – say, the need to pay the rent, or to keep the house clean. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] If anything [i]compels[/i] people to spend time apart from one another, it is career and education. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In the highly competitive United States, especially, many people must work long hours just to provide themselves with the basics, and the best jobs require rigorous academic study. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] But these commitments do not require any significant use of one’s television. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Frankly, I believe people should exercise the will power not to loaf endlessly in front of the screen.
[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Critics of TV like to invoke an image of a whole family, sitting in a row with faces like zombies, not speaking to one another because the idiotic programs have turned their brains to mush. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] However, it is simplistic to dismiss all of television’s content as garbage, let alone garbage that will rot out the mind and poison relationships. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In fact, there are plenty of scientific, historical, and hard-news shows that provide real issues for friends and families to discuss. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] What better way to bond with one’s closest relatives than to share and compare one another’s views on important matters? [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Even if the programming is mediocre, the ritual of getting together for a favorite show can still unite people.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Finally, all complaints about television’s content aside, the technology itself has provided many ways for people to communicate with each other. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]15[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] For a while now, home videos have preserved many precious moments that are much more vivid than still photographs. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Soon, too, a great number of telephones will feature screens on which the speakers can see one another. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] This certainly makes for a more intimate conversation than a simple telephone does. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] “Sesame Street” was a huge innovation in children’s programming; while the content was, in fact, excellent, the use of the medium to teach numbers and letters helped many youngsters to learn effectively.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]In my opinion, television receives too much undue criticism. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] While TV has certainly been a large part of many problems, it is up to people to write and produce better shows, and to engage their families and friends on a deeper level, whether they do this through the medium of television or not.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align]
大城市小城市哪个好
[align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]【[/size][/font][/b][b]5[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]】[/size][/font][/b][b]TOPIC #009:[/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific examples to support your answer.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文（[/size][/font][/b][b]4.5[/b][b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分左右）[/size][/font][/b][b]:[/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]1[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]If I were asked to choose to live either in a small town or in a big city, I would absolutely make a choice of living in the small town other than in a big city. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]2[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]My reasons will be detailed as follows.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]If[/color][color=#7030a0] I were asked to choose whether to live either in a small town or in a big city, I would not hesitate to choose the small town. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I grew up in a delightful one myself. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]3[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Below I describe some of the striking contrasts I have found.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第一段中，主要增加了第[/size][/font]2[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，我生长在一个美妙的小镇。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个是在作文和口语中都要注意的一点，就是越真实，越可信。真实的东西，一定是和自身利害相关的。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的第[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句：我觉得是一个大家可以收藏的句子，这个句子表达的意思使我们在几乎所有的托福作文中都能遇到的，但是表达的方式非常新颖。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0]Below I describe some of the striking contrasts I have found.
[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0] [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文第[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这里可以看出行文的啰嗦。当前文已经有过[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]choose[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]了，下文的[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]choice[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]前最好用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]the[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]而非用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]a[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]。要注意代词的用法。而且只有两个选择，作出一个就等于放弃了另一个，没有必要重复。还有就是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]absolutely[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]的用法，这是中国学生常见的误区。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Absolutely[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这个词带给人的感觉是毫无退路，要慎用，建议查一下词典，看看典型的用法。而改后的[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]make not hesitate to [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]则不仅表达了选择的速度也表明了选择的态度，是比较好的用法。而且用一个动词词组也比较富于变化。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]3[u][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/u][u]Firstly, there is much less pollution in a small town than in a big city.[/u]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Breathing fresh air contributes to good health.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]If we spend our daily life from waking up in the morning to sleeping at night in a big city, the chance that pollution damages our health would be greater. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Pollution from exhausted gas, noises and wasted water could do harm to our respiratory system and other body operations.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]7[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]On the other hand, you will normally notice that people in a small town are not as sick as city dwellers. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]8[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Like most people, I hope to have a good health in order to live for a long time with my beloved family and friends.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][u][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][/u][u][color=#7030a0]4[/color][/u][u][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][/u][u][color=#7030a0]First of all, I put a premium on my health. [/color][/u][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] There is much more pollution in a city than in a small town. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I, for one, want to breathe clean air and drink clean water. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]A person who spends most of his daily life in the city – where all of the human-made impurities are the most concentrated – will simply not be as healthy as he would have been in a small town, with the same habits. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Like most people, I hope to live a long, healthy life that I can spend with my beloved family and friends.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The city also does not seem to be good for my emotions. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] While towns are peaceful, friendly, and quiet, the city creates all kinds of physical and emotional stresses with its constant turmoil. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Every day there is loud traffic and construction, with rude people adding to the noise. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] But, worse, still crime is rampant in the city. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I have often felt that I cannot trust any of the countless strangers I see when I am there. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In the town where I grew up, everyone knew one another, and no one felt a need even to lock his or her door. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]15[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In the city, one locks everything – car, house, and bicycle – because not to do so would be foolish. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I find the anonymity, the breakneck pace, and the constant fear too much to bear.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0] [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]笔记：[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]Put a premium on [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]奖励，鼓励，重视，助长[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后的第[/size][/font]4[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，还是注意贴身利益。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]有一个很有意思的修改，原文的第[/size][/font]3[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句和改后的第[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句。我们可以感受一下哪个的效果更强，镇子的污染没城市严重；城市污染比镇子严重；说成中文以后，我们也会觉得改后的表达的意思要强烈吧。这个，也是在学习中，我们需要提高意识的地方。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文的第[/size][/font]5[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，我觉得啰嗦。大部分人在正常情况下都是晚上睡早上起，而且这个和污染没有直接关系。然后第[/size][/font]6[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句，讲空气，噪音，水污染我们的环境，但是这个影响程度怎么样，是可以展开的做生动描写的。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]看改后的论述，我愿意呼吸新鲜空气和饮用新鲜的水，而在城市中，由于很多人为的污染源都非常集中，所以生存环境不如小镇。所以为了健康我要生活。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]对比之后，我们不难发现，[/size][/font][b][font=宋体][size=12pt]原文的论点是城市污染重，[/size][/font][/b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]但是这个话题就太大了，作者提出来空气噪音和水，但是每个打开都能说很多，如果不打开，不能让人心服口服。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][font=宋体][size=12pt]而改后的论点是为了健康[/size][/font][/b][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，并且从身体健康和心理健康两个方面共同阐述，非常客观。这个论点很贴切，其实我们最后表达的东西是很相似的，但是因为把论点定小了，论述起来会相对容易一点，而且容易深入[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]另一段讲的是环境问题中对健康问题的引申[/size][/font]------[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]心理因素。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]讲了镇子的宁静，安全和友好，对比城市制造的心理压力和混乱。这一段首先讲到车辆和繁忙的人群带来的噪音；犯罪现象的时有发生，所以我不敢相信陌生人，而在镇子里，人们相互认识，彼此信任（这里的深入是说甚至不用锁门）[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一段我很欣赏的句子是[/size][/font]In the city, one locks everything – car, house, and bicycle – because not to do so would be foolish. I find the anonymity, the breakneck pace, and the constant fear too much to bear.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]很形象的表达出了城市和镇子之间的对比。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]联合来看，这段和上一段共同表达出城市的污染[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我认为这一段中非常值得学习的是例子，很贴切。宁静对应噪音，安全对应犯罪现象，友好对应彼此的信任。上下呼应，结构非常紧凑。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]9[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Secondly, the cost of living in a small town is obviously lower than in a big city.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]10[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]I do not want to use all of my salary just to pay my expenses--I want to save money, too.(11) I would like to save my money for several purposes such as my child’s education and my family’s leisure activities.(12) If I live in a big city, I think that I can not build my savings because I have to pay more to purchase the same thing that I can buy cheaper when I live in a small town. (13)For example, if I rent a house, the house in a small town would certainly be cheaper. (14)If I would like to have dinner out, again, the restaurant in a small town will certainly be cheaper.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]There is also the practical matter of expenses. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Simply put, I want to save money[/color][color=#7030a0]. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I can do that very well by living in my hometown. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] As a writer who is paid by the book, my location does not affect my salary. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]21[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Many of the expenses of the city seem unnecessarily wasteful to me anyway. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]22[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I often catch myself buying things that I don’t need in the city just because they are there.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]23[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]I know that I dine out too often when I am in New York and Chicago. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]24[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）：[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]段落的第一句的点题，我们对比的看一下，改后的文章非常直观，一针见血。这点我觉得我们一定要注意，文章主题句，段落中心句，一定要简洁概括，一针见血，刚开始可能不容易，但是我觉得经过一段时间的训练，我们应该能够做到这一点。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]同样讲省钱，原文提到了省钱的目的，这个似乎和文章本身没有关系，所以可以删掉。同时，表达在大城市费钱，改后作者用在大城市购物欲望高，和经常出去吃饭来表达；原文的例子是房租和饭费。这个，我个人觉得原文的例子也可以，不过如果能在租金和饭费上稍微深入一点会更好。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]15[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]Thirdly, small town provides better environment and scenery. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]16[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]The view in a big city is always covered by the forest of what we call ‘concrete forests’. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]17[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]However, when we come to a small town, we could always be astonished by the beautiful scenery.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]18[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font] We can also have great natural environment. [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]19[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]All these can bring me real happiness and peace in heart.[/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]25[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Finally, small towns are much more beautiful than urban centers. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]26[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The view in a big city is always covered by what we call ‘concrete forests’—mountainous skyscrapers. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]27[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I would gladly trade these for a view of real mountains, not to mention dense, lush forests close to my house that I can visit any time I want. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]28[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Wildlife is also more plentiful and varied in a small town. As pretty as some city parks are, there is just no comparison between the two environments.
[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]not to mention
[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]更不用说[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left]The view in a big city is always covered by what we call ‘concrete forests’—mountainous skyscrapers.[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一句的修改在于加了[/size][/font]mountainous skyscrapers[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]作解释。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]用钢筋森林对比自然环境的美好，改后用山，森林来指代原文的[/size][/font]beautiful scenery[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，具体化。表达自然环境的优越。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0]As pretty as some city parks are, there is just no comparison between the two environments.
[/color][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一句也非常值得我们学习，非常可观，点出了城市虽然有公园，但是和自然环境是没法比得。这样，论证就非常完整了。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]综合看整体论述部分，原文是我们常用的[/size][/font]firstly, secondly, thirdly,[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]单一枯燥，而改后的结构采用[/size][/font]first of all, [font=宋体][size=10.5pt]第二部分直接开篇点主题句，结尾用[/size][/font]finally[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，这个结构，我们也可以用来学习。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]27[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这一句有些词用的很好，如[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]trade, not to mention, lust[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]等，不仅准确而且使整个文章的用词富于变化。再一次提醒，不要老是用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]have, get, go [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]等词。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]原文[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]句[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这句话的关键词是[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]astonish[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，但这个词用在这里并不合适。因为一般人们对小镇的美景都会有一定的了解，用[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]impressed[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]可能会更好。在选词的时候要在时间允许的情况下更精确和符合逻辑。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0] [/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font]20[font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font]In conclusion, for the reason that I cannot tolerate pollution, that I want to save my money, and that I like better environment and scenery, living in a small town is my preference rather than living in a big city..[font=Verdana][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0]29[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]I have stressed the negative aspects of the city, but I look at it this way:
while [/color][color=#7030a0]the cities contain all of the world-class restaurants, art museums, drama, etc., there is really no need to be there for these attractions every day. In fact, when I go to the city on business, and make it a treat, I feel I get just the right dose of high-quality entertainment and culture. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]30[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color]
[color=#7030a0]The choice is obvious for me:
if I want a peaceful, quiet, clean place to live, where I trust everyone around me and my finances are relatively secure, a small town is the place to be.
[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]结尾部分：原文好的一点就是涵盖了之前自己的观点。改后的文字，采用的驳斥型，说大城市的优点，比如拥有世界级的饭店，艺术博物馆，戏剧院（如果有人想写大城市好的，这个是积累）但是我认为这些不是每天必须的，然后强调自己的观点，完成全文。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]我们还是可以感觉到逻辑思维的缜密。这个是在学习托福写作初期，一定要注意的一点。[/size][/font][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]改后[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]29[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]这里加入了对城市的正面评价，使得观点不那么偏执，也使文章更为丰满。当然这要在篇幅允许的情况下使用。[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left] [/align][/align][align=left][align=left][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]专家修改（[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]6[/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]分）[/size][/font][/color][/b][b][color=#7030a0]:[/color][/b][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]1[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]If[/color][color=#7030a0] I were asked to choose whether to live either in a small town or in a big city, I would not hesitate to choose the small town. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]2[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I grew up in a delightful one myself. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]3[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Below I describe some of the striking contrasts I have found.
[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]4[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]First of all, I put a premium on my health. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]5[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] There is much more pollution in a city than in a small town. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]6[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I, for one, want to breathe clean air and drink clean water. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]7[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]A person who spends most of his daily life in the city – where all of the human-made impurities are the most concentrated – will simply not be as healthy as he would have been in a small town, with the same habits. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]8[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Like most people, I hope to live a long, healthy life that I can spend with my beloved family and friends.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]9[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The city also does not seem to be good for my emotions. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]10[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] While towns are peaceful, friendly, and quiet, the city creates all kinds of physical and emotional stresses with its constant turmoil. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]11[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Every day there is loud traffic and construction, with rude people adding to the noise. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]12[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] But, worse, still crime is rampant in the city. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]13[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I have often felt that I cannot trust any of the countless strangers I see when I am there. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]14[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In the town where I grew up, everyone knew one another, and no one felt a need even to lock his or her door. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]15[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] In the city, one locks everything – car, house, and bicycle – because not to do so would be foolish. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]16[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I find the anonymity, the breakneck pace, and the constant fear too much to bear.[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]17[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]There is also the practical matter of expenses. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]18[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Simply put, I want to save money[/color][color=#7030a0]. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]19[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I can do that very well by living in my hometown. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]20[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] As a writer who is paid by the book, my location does not affect my salary. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]21[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Many of the expenses of the city seem unnecessarily wasteful to me anyway. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]22[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I often catch myself buying things that I don’t need in the city just because they are there.
[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]23[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]I know that I dine out too often when I am in New York and Chicago. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]24[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）：[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0][/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]25[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]Finally, small towns are much more beautiful than urban centers. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]26[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]The view in a big city is always covered by what we call ‘concrete forests’—mountainous skyscrapers. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]27[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] I would gladly trade these for a view of real mountains, not to mention dense, lush forests close to my house that I can visit any time I want. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]28[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0] Wildlife is also more plentiful and varied in a small town. As pretty as some city parks are, there is just no comparison between the two environments.
[/color][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]29[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]I have stressed the negative aspects of the city, but I look at it this way:
while [/color][color=#7030a0]the cities contain all of the world-class restaurants, art museums, drama, etc., there is really no need to be there for these attractions every day. In fact, when I go to the city on business, and make it a treat, I feel I get just the right dose of high-quality entertainment and culture. [/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=#7030a0]30[/color][color=#7030a0][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color]
[color=#7030a0]The choice is obvious for me:
if I want a peaceful, quiet, clean place to live, where I trust everyone around me and my finances are relatively secure, a small town is the place to be.
[/color][/align][/align]
回复 8# 的帖子
落落很强的说！赞一下先，我都能感觉到你的进步。再说下那个whether后的递进关系，我觉得是这样的：前面的句子中提到人们可以 创作一些好的show，可以让朋友家人之间的参与更深入（比如深层次的讨论，而不是只满足于肥皂剧看个情节就完，纯粹kill time那种：科教片就很好，咱国内有CCTV10，美国专门有个Discovery频道，很有意思），whether后面说的是以及人们愿不愿意将前面提到的这些活动通过电视节目的形式来表达。因为现在娱乐手段方式很多，呵呵，可以不用电视也能达到上述效果。我认识的很多美国人都不看电视，有的极端的，家里没有电视，:) ，我们喜欢的美剧《绝望主妇》，《越狱》人家只是在新闻或杂志里看到，还没有我们关注程度高。
再说说我这几天跟你贴的感觉：
前3篇文章我觉得非常好，简直就是扭转了我们中国学生写文章的思维方式，针针见血，中肯，用词精妙，句式活泼，又不是很复杂，我个人觉得比原文还好懂一些，呵呵，此外引用的例子我们也知道，梦露和施瓦辛格等等。
第4篇文章就显得有些深奥了，反正我看起来是比较费劲，比如说with faces like zombies，我不查字典不知道啥意思，还有“Sesame Street”，我不google也不知道是什么东东，有些句子也比较难，我目前这个阶段是没法灵活运用了，考场上时间紧迫，斟字酌句恐怕不行，恩，先开开眼，作为以后拔高吧。:loveliness: 哇 落落 你工作这么好还要我给你提意见啊 你这不是为难我么。。。 继续加油哦 [quote]原帖由 [i]水妖灵儿[/i] 于 2008-8-15 10:52 发表 [url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=205357&ptid=19449][img]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
落落很强的说！赞一下先，我都能感觉到你的进步。
再说下那个whether后的递进关系，我觉得是这样的：前面的句子中提到人们可以 创作一些好的show，可以让朋友家人之间的参与更深入（比如深层次的讨论，而不是只满足 ... [/quote]
谢谢灵儿~~~whether那个我当时就是看着说不管和（电视电影）这种方式有没有关系~~当时觉得自己没理解通·~~
第四篇，说实话我评论的时候也很费劲~~~可能他用的太形象了·~~我们就不好理解了。
还有就是我也感觉，大多数情况下，改后的文章甚至比原文都容易理解，这可能是我们在习作中的一个误区~~~
灵儿加油~~~非常谢谢你的支持·~~~~(Horse23 落落加油的