查看完整版本: 官方题库中的一题：这么写切题否？

官方题库中的一题：这么写切题否？

86. If you could go back to some time and place in the past, when and where would you go? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.  

Though it is unwise to regret what you have done in the past because time is not reversible, I still often imagine that I would go back to my high school and enjoy my study there.
   The first and most important reason for me to want to restart my high school life is that I did not make full use of time I spent there. As I was still a naive teenager, I did not know much about what I should do and what I should not. I spent too much time playing PC games and made my life idle. Though I got joy from the games, it was not joy lasting for long. When I took the college entrance examinations in 2005, I suddenly found my high shool life a failure. I just want to go back to my high school and study hard.
   Secondly, because of my ignorance, I also did not make good relationships with my classmates. I indulged in my own game world and paid little attention to them. When we had a party after graduation ceremony, I found that even no one was willing to talk to me. They were all strange to me and I felt lonely for the first time.
   Last but not least, as a teenager in the high school, I also lost many opportunities to gain social experience. I did not joined even one social group in my high school and also never attended any of their extra curriculum activities. My brother told me that the social experience in groups was necessary for a young man who would eventually leave school for the really competing society.
   From what I have listed above, it does seem my high school life a great tragedy. I often have a dream that I have returned to my high school classroom and been a student in Grade One. As I know such dreams will never come true, I will take the poor experience in the high school a good lesson.  

Word Count: 334
求拍！谢谢了

另外，托福考试真的是从这题库中选题吗？那为什么还练其它的题？谢谢了

[quote]Though it is unwise to regret what you have done in the past becausetime is not reversible, I still often imagine that I would go back tomy high school and enjoy my study there. [/quote]
没什么明显得语法错误, 但是作为首段,我认为可以写得更加吸引人一些, 华丽一些来给自己增加印象分.比如可以这样改一下.
According to Albert Einstein,if a person wants to travel back in time, s/he has to achieve a velocity above that of the light, which is mathematically impossible, of course. But let's assume,for argument's sake, we can do so. What will we do? ............尝试着在文章得开头几句,让自己与众不同, 让rater感到新鲜,这很重要, 想想看rater在大概以每3分钟批完一片作文得速度,读著或大量重复得模版, 或蹩脚的英文, 疲劳, 恶心, 痛苦.....而你得文章如果让他觉得新鲜那么起码印象分就不会低, 如果你让他爽, 那么恭喜你你离满分就不远了. 所以开头很重要,要好好琢磨,你的开头平淡了一些. [/quote]

[quote] [u]The first and most important reason[/u] [color=Magenta](这么写有点中试思维, 直接 first and foremost....就可以了)[/color]for me to want to restart my highschool life is that I did not make full use of time I spent there. As Iwas still a naive teenager, I did not [color=Blue][b]know[/b][/color] [b]much[/b] about what I should doand what I should not. I spent too [color=Blue][b]much[/b][/color] time playing PC games and mademy life idle. Though I got joy from the games, it was not joy lastingfor long. When I took the college entrance examinations in 2005, Isuddenly found my high shool life a failure. I just want to go back tomy high school and [color=Blue][b]study hard.[/b][/color]
    Secondly, because of my ignorance, I [color=Blue][b]also[/b][/color] did not make [color=Blue][b]good[/b][/color]relationships[color=Magenta](用friendship比较好, relationship常常只男女之间得感情而不是友谊) [/color]with my classmates. I indulged in my own game world andpaid [b]little[/b] attention to them. When we had a party after graduationceremony, I found that even no one was willing to talk to me. They wereall strange to me and I felt lonely for the first time.
   Last but not least, as a teenager in the high school, I [b][i][u]also[/u][/i][/b]
lost[color=Blue][b]many[/b][/color] opportunities to gain social experience. I did not joined [color=Black]even one[/color]social group in my high school and [b]also[/b] never attended any of theirextra curriculum activities. My brother told me that the socialexperience in groups was necessary for a young man who would eventuallyleave school for the really competing society.
   From what I have listed above, it does seem my high school life a[color=Blue][b]great[/b][/color] tragedy. I often have a dream that I have returned to my highschool classroom and been a student in Grade One. As I know such dreamswill never come true, I will take the
[color=Blue][b]poor[/b][/color] experience in the highschool a [color=Blue][b]good[/b][/color] lesson.  
文章写的还是不错得, 细节很多, 也很具体,条例也很清楚,但是分数只能是fair, 因为缺少highlight, 而且表达也有些简单, 尝试把我用蓝色标出得词语用更high-level得词语表达一下你的文章马上就会不一样. 还有你的文章都是陈述语气, 强调的时候也仅仅就是用了个even ,还有很多方式可以来表达的强调, 比如倒装句式, it is ...that强调句式等等. 这些是你能否从fair到good得关键!![/quote]

可以尝试修改一下再发上来, 标记一下你改过得地方,时间关系我看得不是特别仔细, 可能还有其他错误,自己再检查一下.

可以这么写, TOEFL写作部分得自由度极大, 只要能够自圆其说, 都是可以得.

谢谢小马指点，我当尽力而改之！

官方题库是不是185，能不能发给我一份？
我的邮箱是[email]yin_zhao@126.com[/email]，感谢～～～～～

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