查看完整版本: 针对楼下写的综合写作~ 牛人牛肉帮忙改改

针对楼下写的综合写作~ 牛人牛肉帮忙改改

[size=14pt]The passage contends that [/size][size=14pt]four-day workweek creates more benefits for company and more pleased life for employees. [color=#ff6600]The listening material totally refutes the view made in the reading.[/color][/size]
[size=14pt] [/size]
[size=14pt]First, the author states that[/size][size=14pt] shortened workweek would increase the profits since the company just offer 80 percent of normal pay, and workers would make fewer errors.[color=#ff6600] However, the speaker says that[/color] it will cost more for the reason that hire more employees need to provide training and medical insurance. Also, more employees need more working space and all of the aforementioned things ask more money. [color=#ff6600]This completely contradicts what the passage indicates.[/color][/size]
[size=14pt] [/size]
[size=14pt]Second, according to the reading,[/size][size=14pt] four-day workweek will reduce unemployment rates for the reason that some of full-time workload would be shifted to others, thus new employee will be hired. [color=#ff6600]On the other hand, the lecture holds the opinion that [/color]no new jobs will be created because companies would expect workers finish the five-day work in four-day. [color=#ff6600]This totally denies what the passage believes.[/color][/size]
[size=14pt] [/size]
[size=14pt]Third, in the reading material, the writer says that[/size][size=14pt] four-day workweek is beneficial for employees’ life since they have more free time. [color=#ff6600]In contrast, the professor argues that[/color] more free time will reduce workers’ working quality and ability and these less skillful workers would lose job more easily especially during economic depression. [color=#ff6600]This directly challenges what the author states.[/color][/size]
[size=14pt] [/size]

OH MY GOD

吗呀...唉...
哈哈
刚在那边给你改完...又碰见喽...我还以为眼花了呢~~~
嘿嘿...还用粘过来嘛?!  不过毕竟是自己的帖子~~看时候方便些是吧~~~
:P

个人建议---回复24#(那就粘吧 好象有点乱...)

[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]The passage contends that four-day workweek creates more benefits for company and more pleased life[color=red](more[/color][/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]后面应该复数吧[/size][/font][/color][font=Times New Roman][color=red][size=10.5pt]lives)[/size][/color][size=10.5pt] for employees. The listening material totally refutes the view made in the reading[/size][/font][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（建议后面加个[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]passage[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，因为前面第一个词是[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]passage[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，而且感觉[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]in the reading[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]好象话没说完。）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman].

First, the author[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（这里最好表明下[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]the author in the reading[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，结构会更清晰）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] states that shortened workweek would increase the profits since the company just offer 80 percent of normal pay, and workers would make fewer errors. However, the speaker says that it will cost more for the reason that hire[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（作主语[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]hiring[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] more employees need to provide [/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（建议加上[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]more[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]，因为前面说估[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]more workers[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]training and medical insurance. Also, more employees need more working space and all of the aforementioned things ask[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（是[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]ask for[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]吧）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] more money. This [/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]this[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]作为代词不能单独指代一件事情，在[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]SAT[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]中学的语法，所以可以改成[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]this+[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]名词[/size][/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]completely contradicts what the passage indicates.

Second, according to the reading, four-day workweek will reduce unemployment rates for the reason that some of full-time workload would be shifted to others, thus[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]thus[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]不是连词不能引导两个句子，改成[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]so[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]或者把逗号改成句号）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] new employee will be hired. On the other hand, the lecture holds the opinion that no new jobs will be created because companies would expect workers finish the five-day work in four-day[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]four-day[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]是状语，改成[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]four days[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]. This totally denies what the passage believes.

Third, in the reading material, the writer says that four-day workweek is beneficial for employees’ life since they have more free time. In contrast, the professor argues that more free time will reduce workers’ working quality and ability[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（这里[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]quality[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]和[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]ability[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]应该复数吧，不能是很多人有一份质量哪）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] and these less skillful workers would lose job[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（一样的建议[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]JOBS[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] more easily especially during economic depression. This directly challenges what the author [/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]（一样的，加上个[/size][/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]in the reading[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体][size=10.5pt]）[/size][/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]states.[/font][/size]
[color=red][font=宋体]（感觉[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]LZ[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]可以把[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]firstly/secondly/thirdly[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]换下，灵活些，也可以看下我写的。因为之前听人说过这样好象太死板了，真成死八股了。在中文里我们也不常说[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]“[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]第一第二第三那[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]…”[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]比如一般说[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]“[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]首先[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]/[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]第一，其次，再次[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]…”[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）（关于这个和[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]this[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]那个[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]LZ[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]和之前一位一样呃[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]~[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]请参考[/font][/color][color=red][url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/viewthread.php?tid=17604&page=1#pid182093][font=Times New Roman][color=#800080]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/viewthread.php?tid=17604&page=1#pid182093[/color][/font][/url][/color][color=red][font=宋体]的[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]2#[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][color=red][/color]
[color=red][font=Times New Roman]LZ[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]文章简短清晰，我很喜欢……我写的好复杂[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]~[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]好象是废话多了[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]~[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]弄了[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]270[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]多字……[/font][/color][color=red][/color]
[color=red][font=宋体]而且最后一句的总结比较不错[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]~[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]值得借鉴……[/font][/color][color=red][/color]
[url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-17577-1-1.html][color=purple][font=Times New Roman]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-17577-1-1.html[/font][/color][/url]
[color=purple][font=宋体]我的文章在此[/font][/color][color=purple][font=Times New Roman]...[/font][/color][color=purple][font=宋体]共勉[/font][/color][color=purple][font=Times New Roman]... [/font][/color][size=10.5pt][/size]

回复 3# 的帖子

改得很好 很用心 我都没什么地方可以再改了 大家的热心让我感到自己实在是失职了 啊 我一定要更加努力