humandi 2008-7-10 08:53
综合写作求拍
622 的写作完全惨痛，汲取教训，多多练习。这是我综合作文的一篇练习，请多多指教 4－day work.
阅读部分In the United States, employees typically work five days a week for eight hours each day. However, many employees want to work a four-day week and are willing to accept less pay in order to do so. A mandatory policy requiring companies to offer their employees the option of working a four-day workweek for four-fifths (80 percent) of their normal pay would benefit the economy as a whole as well as the individual companies and the employees who decided to take the option. The shortened workweek would increase company profits because employees would feel more rested and alert, and as a result, they would make fewer costly errors in their work. Hiring more staff to ensure that the same amount of work would be accomplished would not result in additional payroll costs because four-day employees would only be paid 80 percent of the normal rate. In the end, companies would have fewer overworked and error-prone employees for the same money, which would increase company benefits. For the country as a whole, one of the primary benefits of offering this option to employees is that it would reduce unemployment rate. If many full-time employees started working fewer hours, some of their workload would have to be shifted to others. Thus, for every four employees who went on an 80 percent week, a new employee could be hired at the 80 percent rate. Finally, the option of a four-day workweek would be better for individual employees. Employees who could afford a lower salary in exchange for more free time could improve the quality of their lives by spending the extra time with their families, pursuing private interests or enjoying leisure activities.
我的写作部分
In the lecture, the professor talks about the disadvantages about 4-day job, which is disagree with the reading passages concerning about the merits of 4-day job.
Firstly, the professor indicates the expense of company will be sharply increased so that its profit can be cut down. This is totally against the point stated in the reading that the new system helps improve the company’s profit because of less error and more alert of employers. Professor says that hiring more worker means providing more space and more computers and more health care. Due to these facts, professor makes such conclusion.
Secondly, the professor claims the more possibility for workers to work overtime and get more expectation. This contradicts the point in reading that workers can avoid overworking so that they make less error. In order to save money, company prone to let its employers do 5-day work in 4 days .This is second points which is different from reading.
Thirdly, the professor argues with the point in reading that the quality of life can be increased and the unemployment rate can be reduced. Ironically, the 4-day job reduces the chance to learn more and experience more. For company, it shows preference to the 5-day worker because of its higher working ability. 4 –day workers are more likely to lose their job. This is the third point which is opposed to reading.
l_dongli 2008-7-10 15:34
个人建议
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[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]In the lecture, the professor talks about the disadvantages about 4-day job, which is disagree with the reading passages concerning about the merits of 4-day job.[color=red]([/color][/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]第一段简洁明了，直接用[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]disadvantage—merit[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]对应了，不错。我的就复杂了。[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman])[/font][/size][/color][size=10.5pt]
[font=Times New Roman] Firstly, the professor indicates the expense of company will be sharply increased so that its profit can be cut down.[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（这里可以改下先说[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]cut down[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]然后说[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]because[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]这样直接提出论点应该是[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]rater[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]比较喜欢的吧，清晰明了啊[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]----[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]可以参考[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-17569-1-1.html][font=Times New Roman][color=#800080]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-17569-1-1.html[/color][/font][/url][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]中[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]2#[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]写的第[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]5[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]点和我的修改，[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]LZ[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]就会理解了。）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] This is totally against the point stated in the reading that the new system helps improve the company’s profit because of less error and more alert of employers.[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（这个反[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]reading[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]的建议应该放在最后一句吧，看过[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]mode[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]大概领会都是先把[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]professor[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]的观点阐述完再去与[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]reading[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]做对比。）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] Professor says that hiring more worker[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]more workers[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] means providing more space and[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（这里连续三个[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]and[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]显得冗杂，我们学过不是几个名词并列只有最后两个之间有[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]and[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]嘛。）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] more computers and more health care. Due to[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（英语语法中强调[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]due to[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]不能放句首，[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]LZ[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]可以把句子顺序颠倒，也可以换成另外说法表示原因）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] these facts, professor makes such conclusion.
Secondly, the professor claims the more possibility for workers to work overtime and get more expectation. This[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]this[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]作为代词不能单独指代一件事情，在[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]SAT[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]中学的语法，所以可以改成[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]this claim[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] contradicts the point in reading that workers can avoid overworking so that they make less error[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（怎么感觉[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]less error[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]上文提过了？）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]. In order to save money, company prone[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（单三加[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]s[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] to let its employers do 5-day[color=red]s[/color] work in 4 days .This is [color=red]THE [/color]second points which is different from reading.
Thirdly, the professor argues with the point in reading that the quality of life can be increased and the unemployment rate can be reduced. Ironically, the 4-day job reduces the chance to learn more and experience more. For company, it shows preference to the 5-day worker because of its higher working ability. [color=red]So that [/color]4 –day workers are more likely to lose their job. This is the third point which is opposed to reading.[/font][/size][color=red][font=宋体]（每段的总结也不错，我很喜欢。）[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][/size][/color]
[color=red][font=宋体]（感觉[/font][/color][size=3][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]LZ[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]可以把[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]firstly/secondly/thirdly[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]换下，灵活些，也可以看下我写的。因为之前听人说过这样好象太死板了，真成死八股了。在中文里我们也不常说[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]“[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]第一第二第三那[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]…”[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]比如一般说[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]“[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]首先[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]/[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]第一，其次，再次[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]…”[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][/size][/color]
[color=red][font=宋体]（还有，好象[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]LZ[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]一直没搞明白[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]employee[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]和[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]employer[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]的关系[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]……EE[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]是雇员[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]……ER[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]是雇主[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]……[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]全文好象一直贯穿着[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]emplyer……[/font][/size][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt][/size][/color]
[/size][font=宋体][url=http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-17577-1-1.html][color=purple]http://bbs.xiaoma.com/thread-17577-1-1.html[/color][/url]
[color=purple]我的文章在此...共勉...[/color][/font][/size]
[[i] 本帖最后由 l_dongli 于 2008-7-10 15:38 编辑 [/i]]
