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living on campus or lving off campus

When asked about students whether should live on campus or live off campus, the majority of people claim that living on campus will bring more convenience and serves benefit to their study, but other people conceive students renting an apartment outside the campus bring them more convenient and build a kind of independent. In my opinion, I believe that the merit of living off campus outweigh apparently living with a group of people.

In the first place, there might be a few drawbacks of living off campus like inconvenient and extraordinary freedom which may leads to the complication of self-control of students, for instance, the students living off the campus have to deal properly with lots of stuff such as washing clothes, cooking, or even deal with their hard landlady. The time, which should be used in studying and more meaningful things like building body in the campus sports facilities or promote communication with classmates and professors. In addition, without the campus management system, including the deadline for students to come back to their dormitories and the strict registry on the gust book of visitors to students’ rooms, students might indulge in playing on-line games or know some social young people.  
However, even those above one or two shortcomings of living off campus, the merits obtained from it are more apparently. Living out of campus actually provides students a favorable way to cultivate the spirit of independence. They have to learn how to develop a timetable, including studying and playing time and totally follow it by self-control. Also, they have to learn properly manage personal finance such as allocate the money on rending the apartment, buying cooking stuffs, and studying materials. Through living by themselves, they got the chance to perform their own life, to keep close to the society, compared with those living in campus, they show more confidence which come from independence.

Furthermore, living off campus is more convenient than living in campus, a persuasive example is review, students don’t have to worry about disturbing other roommates when they decided to work till late in the night, and also it is unnecessary to mind the deadline time to come back when they date out with friends and fails to come into dormitory. Moreover, they could invite several good friends to party in their apartment and make some delicious food, while living in campus all the mentioned activities are forbidden.

Although I do not deny that there are a couple of tiny drawbacks of living off campus, I would rather hold the firm view that the strengths of renting apartment out of school are more apparent. In living off campus, the self-management is being built up and this is a fundamental skill in their future development. In addition, I believe that convenience and coziness are the basic elements in choosing a living place if permitted.

先声明，我以前是混gre 作文的，所以风格可能和托福作文不一样～
首段会不会太长了，我感觉可能直接说你自己的看法会明确一点，其他别人怎么看是不是应该放在下面？
……which should be used in ……有点说教的感觉，可不可以改成which can be used?好像会缓和一点
建议每段之间空一行，尤其是要转折的段
结构还是蛮好的，至少比我的好～

多谢指教，我直接按照OG那个范文改的，不知道会不会有问题啊