查看完整版本: 刚写的大作文...

刚写的大作文...

刚刚写了一篇~~自己又改了下~~(红笔处)~~希望得到些点评~~谢谢大家啦~~点评多多益善~~
[b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]It is more important to choose a subject you are interested than a subject that you are easy to find a job or career.[/font][/size][/b]
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]When it comes to the subject option, the vast majority of people will endorse that choosing a kind of subject that we can easy to find a job or career in the future is more important. Others, however, may object to the opposite view. Coincident with the most people is my heartfelt agreement with the opinion with the former one. Since in our life, working experience may play a significant role and assist us more. So as far as I am concerned that it is the subject which can lead us to a fine job easily that is more important[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](vital/cardinal/essential)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] for the following sound reasons.[/size][/color][/font]
[color=black][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][/color]
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]In the first place, it is increasingly acknolwedged that nowadays people need to owe[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](own/possess/hold)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] a formal job to stand steadily in the society. Because contemporary society is portrayed by dominated as the eternal update of information, the breakneck speed of technological innovation, the explosion of knowledge, the erosion of traditional loyalties and values and the fickleness of consumers. If we do not have a sturdy[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](stable/stationary)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] job, we will not survive in this complex circumstance. In addition, learning a subject is the foundamental of a future job and choosing a subject is the basic thesis[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](component/factor)/(basis)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] of learnig it. To some degree, it demonstrates an unquestionable fact that choosing a subject which may help us find a future job easily is more [/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt]important[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt].[/size][/color][/font]
[color=black][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][/color]
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]What is more, we all witness that the subject that is connected with a fine job is riveting among all majors, so that we can receive more competitions in[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](during)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] the study and advance ourselves in a big scale at the same time. We may quote a concrete example just of me. I major in accountancy because I picked up that accountancy would be a hot career in the future. When I chose this subject, I needed to compete with thousands of students who wanted to learn it[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt] and find job effortlessly in the future[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]. Since most students came to learn it with high status of math [/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt]elemantery [/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]and logical mind, I should pay more to gain a higher grade and be a top student here[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](to surmount/transcend others)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]. In this progress, I devoted myself to my major and tasted the hard sweat and tears such like reading much more books than others and staying up late to study. And now I am improving. The instance of me can make us point out a salf-evident attitude that choosing a subject which can benefit us in easily find a future job does advance ourselves in our field.[/size][/color][/font]
[color=black][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][/color]
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]From what we discussed above, we know that a career that is easily found will give us more or less merits. We should value the opportunity of choosing the [/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt]relevant[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] subject. In a nutshell, when the bias cast away, the evidence examined, the advantages and disadvantages weighed, we can reasonably draw a sagacious conclusion that we should pick a subject that will make us easy to find a job.[/size][/color][/font]

希望对例子,结构,语言,词语,句型,逻辑~~~反正各个方面多提意见!!!:hug:

1. [font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]I am concerned that it is the subject which can lead us to a fine job easily [color=DarkOrange]that[/color] is more important[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](vital/cardinal/essential)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] for the following sound reasons.
[/size][/color][/font]sound reason是不是有自吹自擂之嫌? 是否sound reasons,是rater们给你作的评价...
that要去掉,或者你这个句子都换个说法吧.
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]
2. [/size][/color][/font][font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]Becausecontemporary society is portrayed by dominated as the eternal update ofinformation, the breakneck speed of technological innovation, theexplosion of knowledge, the erosion of traditional loyalties and valuesand the fickleness of consumers. 原因在此,结果在哪呢? 句子没写完啊. 如果把后头的If...算作结果,那么就不该用句号,而且这样一个句子(算上后头的if...)太长了...改一改吧

[/size][/color][/font]3. 第二段[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]In addition, learning a subject is the foundamental of a future job and choosing a subject is the basic thesis[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](component/factor)/(basis)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] of learnig it. 这里不是In addition的关系, 你作文的逻辑该是这样, 社会越来越复杂-->要找工作才能立足-->选择一个好找工作的专业, 也就是说你前头那些只能作为背景交代出工作的重要性,由此得到选专业的重要性.是因果关系. 但我觉得这个论点说服力不够.

[/size][/color][/font][font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]4.[/size][/color][/font][font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]Theinstance of me can make us point out a salf-evident attitude thatchoosing a subject which can benefit us in easily find a future jobdoes advance ourselves in our field. 这句话过于冗长了, 简单点, 不要堆砌辞藻.

5.第三段,开头直接就点明你的分论点,就是"那样的subject可以提高你". 无需在提分论点之前进行解释.解释是后头做的事情.举个例子,某一段开头:

a. Books can help people know more about this world. (然后解释...Because there are a lot of interesting stories....)
b. There are a lot of interesting stories in books, [/size][/color][/font][font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt][/size][/color][/font][font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]so it can help us know more about this world. ([/size][/color][/font][font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]然后接着解释...)[/size][/color][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]
我推荐你的是第一种写法,直接写出你的论点来. 而且TWE185上满分作文也基本都是这一写法.


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回复 2# 的帖子

恢常感谢啊.......................................
呵呵~~尽管不是什么BAN ZHU...也给你加分了...我的第2次(加分)...全在今天啦....
PS:本姑娘比较严谨不会随随便便送分的~~呵呵~~:handshake

接受建议...修改ing...

作文修改

[color=magenta][size=4][b][i][font=仿宋_GB2312][font=宋体]感谢[/font]meseasky(LS)[font=宋体]的评价，以下是作文的修改以及个别小问题，“笑纳”…嘿嘿…:handshake [/font][/font][/i][/b][/size][/color]
[size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]When it comes to the subject option, the vast majority of people will endorse that choosing a kind of subject that we can easy to find a job or career in the future is more important. Others, however, may object to the opposite view. Coincident with the most people is my heartfelt agreement with the opinion with the former one. Since in our life, working experience may play a significant role and assist us more. So as far as I am concerned that it is the subject which can lead us to a fine job easily that[color=blue]([/color][/font][/size][color=blue][font=宋体]这个[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]that[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]是强调句型那[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman],[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]不能去掉呀[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]...LS[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]感觉读着不顺嘛[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman][color=blue][size=10.5pt]?)[/size][/color][size=10.5pt] is more important[color=red](vital/cardinal/essential)[/color][color=black] for the following sound[/color][color=blue]([/color][/size][/font][color=blue][font=宋体]不知道[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]sound[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]有什么毛病了[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman],[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]感觉和[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]sagacious/reasonable[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]呀什么的一样的功效吧[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman],[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]只是修饰作用[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman],LS[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]有另见吗[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]?[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]跟[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]rater[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]评价有什么关系呢[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman][color=blue][size=10.5pt]?)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] reasons.[/size][/color][/font][size=10.5pt]

[font=Times New Roman][color=black]In the first place, it is increasingly acknolwedged that nowadays people need to owe[/color][color=red](own/possess/hold)[/color][color=black] a formal job to stand steadily in the society. [/color][color=blue]([/color][color=black]Because[/color][color=blue])([/color][/font][/size][color=blue][font=宋体]这句好象是有病[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman],because[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]去掉了好象就没啥了[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]---[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]后面的[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]if[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]不是结果[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman],[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]是另起的一个新句子[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman][color=blue][size=10.5pt])[/size][/color]
[color=blue][size=10.5pt]C[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]ontemporary society is portrayed by dominated as the eternal update of information, the breakneck speed of technological innovation, the explosion of knowledge, the erosion of traditional loyalties and values and the fickleness of consumers. If we do not have a sturdy[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](stable/stationary)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] job, we will not survive in this complex circumstance. [/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt]So that as a fundamental of a future job, choosing a relevant subjest indeed plays an essential role in this situation. [/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]In addition, [/size][/color][u][color=blue][size=10.5pt]([/size][/color][/u][u][color=black][size=10.5pt]learning a subject is the foundamental of a future job and choosing a subject is the basic thesis[/size][/color][/u][u][color=red][size=10.5pt](component/factor)/(basis)[/size][/color][/u][u][color=black][size=10.5pt] of learnig it.[/size][/color][/u][u][color=blue][size=10.5pt])[/size][/color][/u][/font][color=blue][font=宋体]（这段分论点大意不太变，换了种简单说法，只是又加了一小句作为修饰补充）[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman][color=blue][size=10.5pt]if we choose a hot subject, we will find a job effortlessly sooner or later. In this way we can make a big fortune. [/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]To some degree, it demonstrates an unquestionable fact that choosing a subject which may help us find a future job easily is more [/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt]important[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt].[/size][/color][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]What is more, we all witness that [/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt]we can receive more competitions in(during) the study and advance ourselves in a big scale at the same time since[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] the subject that is connected with a fine job is riveting among all majors.[/size][/color][/font][color=blue][font=宋体]（这句把原因和结果顺序换了下是不是就可以呢？看了[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]LS[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]给的书的例子，明白…）[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt] We may quote a concrete example just of me. I major in accountancy because I picked up that accountancy would be a hot career in the future. When I chose this subject, I needed to compete with thousands of students who wanted to learn it[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt] and find job effortlessly in the future[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]. Since most students came to learn it with high status of math [/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt]elemantery [/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]and logical mind, I should pay more to gain a higher grade and be a top student here[/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt](to surmount/transcend others)[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]. In this progress, I devoted myself to my major and tasted the hard sweat and tears such like reading much more books than others and staying up late to study. And now I am improving. This instance [/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt]([/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]of me[/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt])[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] can make us point out [/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt]([/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt]a self-evident attitude[/size][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt])([/size][/color][/font][color=blue][font=宋体]此处就是一个句子引出结论那…不晓得[/font][/color][color=blue][size=10.5pt][font=Times New Roman]LS[/font][/size][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]说怎么能把它改简单一些呢？[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman][color=blue][size=10.5pt])[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] that choosing a subject which can benefit us in easily find a future job does advance ourselves in our field.[/size][/color][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][color=black][size=10.5pt]From what we discussed above, we know that a career that is easily found will give us more or less merits. We should value the opportunity of choosing the [/size][/color][color=red][size=10.5pt]relevant[/size][/color][color=black][size=10.5pt] subject. In a nutshell, when the bias cast away, the evidence examined, the advantages and disadvantages weighed, we can reasonably draw a sagacious conclusion that we should pick a subject that will make us easy to find a job.[/size][/color][/font]

1.意思是说你不能说你自己写得文章reasonable,或者那些理由sound, 这是不合适的. 你要是觉得reasonable/sound了,给你作文满分如何?还要rater做什么?所以这样的词不要用.

2.关于你的论点, 你看你把你中间两段的中心句提出来,(注意一定要有中心句,而且最好是在每段开头,因为我们目前的水平不可能写自由格式的文章),然后加上你的观点和结论,你读一读,如果说你觉得有道理了,那么你的论点和结构就是好的.
对于论证过程, 你就看你说的理由能不能得到这样一个结论.

3.最后那个你已经改得简单了, 结论肯定是不能缩减的,但是引出结论要快, 最好就是In brief..., 而不是it make us point out an self-evident attitude that...,你那样改也简单多了. 当然这是我个人的意见,就是文字越简单越好.

我觉得完全没有资格评价你的作文耶
比我写的任何一篇都要好:'(
惭愧惭愧+:L

Coincident with the most people is my heartfelt agreement with the opinion with the former one.

呃...former?!

嗯，是针对头两句说的...
不仔细读感觉跟标题写反了
(Horse19 我的错...