查看完整版本: 自己的第一篇作文，7 12 考试。请大家狠拍（修改篇）

自己的第一篇作文，7 12 考试。请大家狠拍（修改篇）

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Has television destroyed communication among people?[/size][/font]
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Technology develops day by day in such haste, of which television is a prime example. We are able to have more and more channels and more attractive programs than ever before. There is little doubt that watching television is a good recreational activity for the reason that it can help people feel comfortable and relaxed. However, a number of people hold the opinion that television has destroyed communication among people for the reason that people only have 24 hours a day, if they spend some of it on television, there is less time which could be spent on communicating with friends and relatives. It would be reasonable to take such a view, but they seem to fail to take something else into consideration.[/size][/font]
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A recent investigation taken by citizens in my city reveals that 92 percent of the people who have got a television at home admit that TV is sort of necessity in life. Just imagine a world without TV: you are exhausted from a long day’s work, what is worse, when you come home, the only recreation for you is only some books, magazines, or newspapers which are never with sound and you just feel too tired to talk with any of your relatives of friends. Now you get a good understanding of how necessary a TV can be: the visual effect and lovely melodies really make you restful. You can watch movies, talk shows, and other kind of interesting programs with your friends and relatives, and you always share ideas and feelings with each other. Contrary to the generally accepted view above, I believe that it is TV that helps people communicate more and better.[/size][/font]
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Moreover, TV is the very media tool which could convey so much information to you so that you would never find it difficult to find topics to talk about with others, just talk about a movie star, an excellent moment in a movie, or just some restaurants which offer very delicious dishes introduced on TV yesterday evening. With the helping hand of TV, you are more likely to find someone who has much in common with you.[/size][/font]
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Although TV helps people communicate more is true, we must accept the undeniable fact that some children just sit in couch addicted in watching TV and become more and more incommunicative. However, the advantages of TV on communication carry more weight than disadvantages.[/size][/font]
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Judging from what has been discussed above, we could safely reach the idea that television hasn’t destroyed people’s communication, otherwith, as the most important invention in the last century, television is taking an important role to in communication among people.[/size][/font]
[font=Calibri][size=4]字数 444 :( 不吉利。。请大家拍拍。[/size][/font]

[[i] 本帖最后由 yiskylee_xiaoma 于 2008-7-5 10:14 编辑 [/i]]

只有两个论证，是不是太少了？

第一段其实只有一个观点，因为前面是背景论述，所以说“ I agree with the latter idea”好像不太合适。
第二段里“the average number of hours that an American’s person spends on……”里的“ an American’s person ”好像……
第二个论据好像不能很好的支持论点，因为即时是讨论的内容不学术，但是丝毫没有影响人们交流。:)

1.the average number of hours that an American’s person spends on TV is 5, 好像直接说average time of xxx is 5 hours 更好吧,虽说字数重要,但你那样写冗繁了.

2.what is worse, five of which must be with television,这里的后面这句用的不对,which指代什么呢?句子前面没有24小时啊,个人以为不妥

3The most frequent topics people now talk with each other are always from television shows, talk with是不是该用talk about with?

4And unfortunately, the topics always have nothing to do with the technology, the culture, the education field, instead, the scandal of a movie star, the complex and bored plot of soap opera occupies the talking.这个句子是不是太长了,而且里头连贯性不是很好,我觉得切成两个句子挺好的,而且这个用来证明你的观点太牵强了,个人以为不好.

小可水平不高,可能所说的也有错误,楼主自己斟酌,祝楼主考试顺利

回复 3# 的帖子

非常感谢！
我也觉的第二个好牵强。
I agree with 也不太对。

回复 4# 的帖子

谢谢啦！
five of which  指的是 前面的 time
我准备彻底修改第二个论点了。