查看完整版本: 7月12就考试了~ 真的很着急~ 麻烦给些意见+评个分数

7月12就考试了~ 真的很着急~ 麻烦给些意见+评个分数

[align=left][align=left][size=14pt]According to a recent statistic on the internet, the number of students who are eager to work for a large company after graduate occupies 68 percent of all students, and undoubtedly has the tendency of increasing. They attribute their choice to the reason that in large companies they would have better life; in other words, prefer to work for a large company. Some people insist on working for a small company, considering they may have more chances to innovate something. However, others hold the opinion that working for a big company brings them more valuable experience to create successful enterprise. As far as I am concerned, I completely agree with the latter idea.[/size][/align][/align][font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[size=14pt]First of all, working for a large company is apparently of great benefits for the employees. One of the significant points is that employees will be easier to be eminent. As we all know, people will meet many other colleagues while working for a large company, put into another words, they will have more chances to communicate with each other. Communicating is vital especially for the new graduates since they can learn many practical working experience and techniques from other colleagues, in the meantime, this process increase their ability of communicate and cooperate which surely enhance the relationship between workmates; they may become pretty close friends. As a Chinese proverb says: “People will never be successful without friends." With such friends' guide people can work on the most efficient and direct way which results in both mental and physical happiness. [/size]
[align=left][align=left][size=14pt] [/size][/align][/align][align=left][align=left][size=14pt]Furthermore, people who work for large companies always have a comfortable life and preeminent social status since those companies often offering a lot of professional further training for their stuff. While participating the course, people's working skill will be enormously enhanced; as a result, they can draw more attention from their leaders and be easily promoted. On the other hand, with such extraordinary working skills they can also change to another job which offers higher wage and position. If the income grows, the life quality of their family will increase simultaneously. They are able to spend much money to purchase a bigger house with charming garden which creates a harmonious family atmosphere. And meanwhile, they can send their children to more expensive school in order to receive better education; they might live healthily in respect that they are able to have exclusive nutritious food, even when they fall sick they can certainly get best medical treatment.[/size][/align][/align][font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[align=left][align=left][size=14pt]Each coin has two sides, working for small companies do have some benefits, especially when people consider it may bring employees more freedom or chances to practice some adventurous ideas. However, never will I agree that they can compare to the advantages brought by working for a large company. From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that it's more advisable to work for a large company.[/size][/align][/align][font=Times New Roman] [/font]

According to a recent statistic on the internet, the number of students who are eager to work for a large company after graduate occupies 68 percent of all students, and undoubtedly has the tendency of increasing. They attribute their choice to the reason that in large companies they would have better life; in other words, prefer to work for a large company. Some people insist on working for a small company, considering they may have more chances to innovate something. However, others hold the opinion that working for a big company brings them more valuable experience to create successful enterprise. As far as I am concerned, I completely agree with the latter idea.[color=red]感觉啰嗦，最好能简洁点，把支持大公司的观点和现象合并[/color]

First of all, working for a large company is apparently of great benefits for the employees. [color=red](第三段不也是讲的benefits吗，这个逻辑有问题)[/color]One of the significant points is that employees will be easier to be eminent. As we all know, people will meet many other colleagues while working for a large company, put into [color=red]another(other)[/color] words, they will have more chances to communicate with each other. Communicating is vital especially for the new graduates since they can learn many practical working experience and techniques from other colleagues, in the meantime, this process increase their [color=red]ability(abilites)[/color] of [color=red]communicate （communication）and cooperate（cooperation）[/color] which surely enhance the relationship between workmates; they may become pretty close friends. As a Chinese proverb says: “People will never be successful without friends." With such friends' guide people can work [color=red]on（in）[/color] the most efficient and direct way which results in both mental and physical happiness. [color=red]这一段的论点是easier to eminent,可是后面论述的尽是communicate和relationship这之间没联系好
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Furthermore, people who work for large companies always have a comfortable life and preeminent social status since those companies often [color=red]offering（offer）[/color] a lot of professional further training for their [color=red]stuff（staff[/color][color=red]）.（主题句不要写原因，否则后面怎么展开？）[/color] [color=red]While participating the course（垂悬分词）,[/color] people's working skill will be enormously enhanced; as a result, they can draw more attention from their leaders and be easily promoted. On the other hand, with such extraordinary working skills they can also change to another job which offers higher wage and position. If the income grows, the life quality of their family will increase simultaneously. They are able to spend much money to purchase a bigger house with charming garden which creates a harmonious family atmosphere. And meanwhile, they can send their children to more expensive school in order to receive better education; they might live healthily in respect that they are able to have exclusive nutritious food, even when they fall sick they can certainly get best medical treatment[color=red]（这句意思有点问题）.这一段论述没涉及到social status啊[/color]

[color=red]Each coin has two sides, （cliché，avoid to use it）[/color]working for small companies do have some benefits, especially when people consider it may bring employees more freedom or chances to practice some adventurous ideas. However, never will I agree that they can compare to the advantages brought by working for a large company. From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that it's more advisable to work for a large company.
[color=red]因为我也12号考，所以复习很紧张，只能大致看一下，语法错误好像不多，但是词和句子还需要锤炼，跟我上次改的那个朋友一样，太多定语从句，看得累赘，想办法用别的结构写复杂句子吧。还有你似乎很喜欢用分号呢，我觉得除非意思紧密联系的两个句子可以用下，其他地方，特别是有连词的时候就没必要了，而且通篇用就没新鲜感了。
再就是你这篇文章的逻辑，我还不能很好的理解，特别是第二段，不知道是不是我自己理解有误？
以上个人观点，如有错误，请指正，谢谢~~~[/color]

首先谢谢你的批评意见， 关于论点的提出手法给我很大启示， 还有想请教下 While participating the course（垂悬分词）, 怎么改正？

看你的评论感觉你底子还是很好的嘛！ 我才上高二，英语也不优秀~~ 还想请教请教你考前都该做哪方面的练习or复习。 ~~~~~综合写作我和一个都没练过呢~~~

拜托+谢谢啦

可以改为While [color=red]they are[/color] participating the course, people's working skill will be enormously enhanced; as a result, they can draw more attention from their leaders and be easily promoted，不加they，主语就成了skill，而skill是不能participate的
我是6月24号开始复习的，12号就要考了，所以自己也是焦头烂额了。我听力和阅读都没怎么管，主要在准备写作和口语。作文就是分类，然后练习写了，可惜没有人跟我改啊。。。。综合写作很简单，准备个模板就好了，考前写个几篇熟悉下就好了。
口语就是自己多准备几个话题了，后面四题的模板也写好了。我感觉口语前两题难点，后四题就是拼听力的。