查看完整版本: 6月19日作文题14

6月19日作文题14

[size=5][color=magenta]首先祝福6月22日IBT考试的小马马到成功！:) [/color][/size]
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[size=4][color=mediumturquoise][b]This week[/b][/color][/size]
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[size=3][color=black]Topic1[color=mediumturquoise][b] (JJ 06.11.3.)[/b][/color][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=black]Agree or D: Being happy of job is more important than high salary.[/color][/size]
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[size=4][color=mediumturquoise][b]Or[/b][/color][/size]
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[size=3]Topic 2[color=mediumturquoise][b] (JJ 06.6.30&07.6.30.)[/b][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=black]Letting a friend make a mistake is better than saying or doing sth that may destroy friendship.[/color][/size]

[size=12pt][size=4]In this consumption-based society, money has exerted important influence on nearly every aspect of social life. Of course, you don't have to live your life as though you worshipped the acquisition of money. Unfortunately, almost everything tells us that we should do worship. Television, billboards, newspaper, and even other people: they are all screaming at us to get money. Therefore, there is no doubt that a great deal of employers would consider chasing high salary is more important than being happy of job. Although this trend has been steadily upwards, hardly can I agree that the role as the money plays necessarily transcend the role of happiness which employers obtain from the work. In fact, no matter what will happen and how the society would be, the highly paid jobs without guaranteeing the employers' happiness would bring nothing but dullness even tragedy. [/size][/size]
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[size=12pt][size=4]For one thing, the limited satisfaction of the high salary that gained from unhappy work can not compensate for losses of unhappiness. Since a high salary really means being able to own a large villa, buy a nice car or do whatever else they want with the extra money, the employer with no consideration of working happiness would do everything to posses the money despite the time away from family, lost sleep, high stress, or poor health, meaning that they would put the money before the family, friendship and leisure time. However, those materialistic perquisites matters little to most people if they have to endure to suffer a greater risk of depression, have more anxiety and lower self-esteem, experience more physical, behavioral and relationship problem and so forth. In fact, these people confuse money for what it is supposed to measure, and thereby maximize the wrong thing. They leave out of various kinds of priceless happiness--in family lives, in spiritual lives, in friendships---that money does not measure. Therefore, just as teaching to the test leads to inferior education, working only for money can lead to miserable life.[/size][/size]
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[size=12pt][size=4]For another, being happy at work can also bring people the wealth as well as achievements. Not only can we enjoy senses of accomplishment but also we can devote ourselves fully to the working if we find our career enjoyable and meaningful. Larry Ellison, the founder of Oracle, can serve as an good example. This guy always says that he feels very excited and happy because what he is doing indeed has changed the world. Because of his happiness gained from his career, he conquered a plenty of difficulties and formed a company which paid 1.2 billion in corporate taxes in 2007, totally apart from the personal taxes paid by Ellison and his employees. When we do what we feel happy to do, money as by-product of happiness could come to us. Indeed, it is obviously that we can gain the happiness and wealth together if we crave the happiness.[/size][/size]
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[size=12pt][size=4]In short, we can make decision that lead to happiness, or we can make decision that makes us miserable. Money is not destined to make us miserable but the pursuit of money only can do. No matter what kind of joy would be, we must bear our mind that it is the happiness rather than money that will always be the first choice.[/size]
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[[i] 本帖最后由 нандин 于 2008-6-25 08:38 编辑 [/i]]

(Horse24

占楼先

下周就考了，拍吧

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Which one comes first when we are looking for opportunities, being happy or a good salary? Different people may view it differently, as some may think money weighs heavier, while others may be opposite and support it is being happy that has the priority. A recent survey among the first year graduates indicates that 48% thinks money versus 52% of being happy. As to me, I am fully agreed the idea that being happy in Job is much more important than money. And I would like have detail explanation from the aspects below.[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[size=3][font=Times New Roman]Firstly, being happy can help people work efficiently, which will bring us the good feeling from work such as confidence and will result in our harmonious relationship with the job. We may all have such kind of experience, the more you are with the high emotion, the quick you will work out the challenges. I have the experience taking my son to his violin class. It’s a hard job for a 6-year-old boy to repeat his fingers practice every day, I have tried various ways to ask him complete his homework. The best one I found during the struggle is that to encourage him always, only point out how little improvement needs after saying lots on his good performance. Then he is very easy to accept and correct accordingly, which results in we finish with short time every time and he loves practicing!!!

[/font][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Secondly, further to the good relationship between people and work, being happy can also help people build up a good environment with our officemates, which will help us for the much more achievements. Instead of being in the vacuum, we are living, working in the circumstance that filled up with all kinds of communication, cooperation everyday. We may all have such kind of experience that to be more willing to work with an easy people, which always have the fundamental as being happy. As the first English saying I learnt years ago, “Two heads are better than one”, teamwork always results in the goal achievement.[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[size=3][font=Times New Roman]Last but not least, money is good but not the first important thing. I also experienced the hardship due to lack of money, and know how important money to our daily life. Money can buy very expensive watch, but cannot buy a second time; money can buy a very cozy bed, but cannot buy a sound sleep; money can buy a big house but cannot buy a home.
[/font][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]All in all, we may easily draw into the conclusion that being happy is much more important than how much we are being paid. Let us always remember that we are working for life instead of for money. [/size][/font]

[quote]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]when we are looking for [color=red]a job[/color] opportunities, being happy or a good salary?[color=red] Which one comes first[/color] ?Different people may view it differently, as some may think money weighs heavier, while others [color=red]maybe[/color] opposite [color=red]it [/color]and support that being happy [color=red]should be[/color] the priority. A recent survey among the first year graduates indicates that 48% of [color=red]graduates[/color] thinks money versus 52% [color=red]ones [/color]of being happy.[color=red] As far as I concern[/color], I [color=red]totally [/color]agree the idea that being happy in [color=red]job[/color] is much more important than money. And I would like [color=red]to [/color][color=red]make[/color] a [color=red]particular[/color] explanation from the aspects below.[/size][/font]
[/quote]
第一段, 错误较多, 我认为用数字来引出自己的观点的想法不错但是句子欠通顺, 建议: 1 背几个好的比较句式, 就是有的人, 怎么样, 但是其他人怎么样, 你的句子一句话里面有opposite 又有 support 很容易逻辑错误. 2 尝试使用一些high-level的词汇, 来代替 maybe ,important , job,  fully,  happy改的时候把这些词都换掉你的文章马上就不一样了.
[quote]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Firstly, being happy can help people work efficiently, which will bring us the good feeling from work such as confidence and will [color=red]benefit for[/color] (result in常用与导致坏的结果) our harmonious relationship . We may all have such kind of experience, [color=red]the more you pay out the work with passion[/color], the [color=red]quicker [/color]you will work out the challenges. [color=red]My experience of[/color] taking my son to his violin class [color=red]can set a good example[/color]. It’s a hard job for a 6-year-old boy to repeat his fingers practice every day, I have tried various ways to ask him complete his homework. The best one I found during the struggle is that to encourage him always, only point out how little improvement needs after saying lots on his good performance. Then he is [color=red]such joy that he[/color] accept and correct that accordingly, which[color=red] makes[/color] we finish with short time every time and he loves practicing!!! [font=Helvetica][/quote][/font][/size][/font]
[size=3]第二段的想法很好, 例子也不错, 但是一定要注意表达的准确性和相当性, 建议楼主要多看范文, 看的时候着重看别人优秀的表达, 比如表示原因或结果的句型,而不要不恰当的总使用result in[/size]
[size=3][quote][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Secondly, further to the good relationship between people and work, being [color=magenta]happy[/color] can also help people build up a good environment with our officemates, which will help us for the much [color=magenta]more[/color] achievements. Instead of being in the vacuum, we are living, working in the circumstance that filled up with all kinds of communication, cooperation everyday. We [color=magenta]may[/color] all have [color=magenta]such kind of experience[/color] that to be more willing to work with an easy people, which always have the fundamental as being [color=magenta]happy[/color]. As [color=#ff0000]the[/color] first English.....([color=red]first teacher or ..) [/color]saying I [color=red]learned [/color]years ago, “Two heads are better than one”, teamwork always results in the goal achievement.

[/size][/font][font=Times New Roman][size=3]Last but not least, money is good but not the first [color=magenta]important[/color] thing. I also [color=magenta]experienced[/color] the hardship due to lack of money, and know how[color=magenta] important[/color] money to our daily life. Money can buy very expensive watch, but cannot buy a second time; money can buy a very cozy bed, but cannot buy a sound sleep; money can buy a big house but cannot buy a home.
[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]All in all, we may easily draw into the conclusion that being [color=magenta]happy[/color] is much more [color=magenta]important[/color] than how much we are being paid. Let us always remember that we are working for life instead of for money. [font=Helvetica][/quote][/font][/size][/font]

第三段的思路我推测是想写快乐的工作可以搞好和同事的关系, 但是你并没有把这个意思完整准确的表达出来, 我如果是rater肯定会觉得你跑题了. 总体思路我觉得不错, 但是很多句子都有语法错误, 表达的和本来的想法有出入, 可以尝试先积累别人写的观点, 和句子, 有了一定的积累再创作会好很多, 不要着急写否则会把自己的错误越来越加深! 粉色部分是文中重复率很高的词比如 important 可能你没有注意到, 但是这个问题确实很严重, 其实有很多词都表示重要, 希望多多积累, 可以把改好的文章发出来, 让大家来学一下!

多谢老师点评，重新修改后请求再拍！

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[size=3][font=Times New Roman]我参考了老师的修改和建议，套用了几个句型，主体部分第二段也有较大改动，请老师审阅，辛苦了！[/font][/size]
[size=3][font=Times New Roman][/font][/size]
[size=3][font=Times New Roman]Which one comes firstly when we are looking for opportunities, being happy or a good salary? Different people may view it differently, as many believe that money weighs heavier, but others consider a pleasant mood as much more important. A recent survey about this among the first year graduates indicates that 48% prioritize the income versus 52% of the other. As far as I am concerned, being happy with the job is always the first one than anything else, which includes money and so on. And I would like to make a particular explanation from the aspects below.[/font][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[size=3][font=Times New Roman]Firstly, being happy can help people work efficiently, which will bring us the good feeling from work such as confidence and we will benefit so much from the harmonious relationship with theour job. We may all have such kind of experience, the more you are with the high emotion, the sooner you will work out the challenges. I have the experience taking my son to his violin class. It’s a hard job for a 6-year-old boy to repeat his fingers practice every day, I have tried various ways to ask him complete his homework. The best one I found during the struggle is that to encourage him always, only point out how little improvement needs after saying lots on his good performance. Then he is very easy to accept and correct accordingly, needless to say, now we finish the melody in a shorter time every day and he loves practicing!!!

[/font][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[size=3][font=Times New Roman]Secondly, further to the good relationship between people and work, being happy can also help people build up a pleasant social environment with our officemates, which is also a crucial index to success today. As to the definition of health, given by the United Nation, also with the consideration of psychological one, which is measured greatly with the social relationship. As an old English saying, “Two heads are better than one”, teamwork always leads to the goal achievements. [/font][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Last but not the least, money is good but not the first important thing. [/size][/font][font=,seoul,helvetica][size=9pt]What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? [/size][/font][size=3][font=Times New Roman]I also had been with the fiancial hardship, and do know how much we need money everywhere in our daily life. However, have you ever been thinking of that it can only buy very expensive watch, but cannot buy a single second of time; it can only buy an extremely cozy bed instead of a sound sleep; it can buy a big house beyond a home.
[/font][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=3] [/size][/font]
[size=3][font=Times New Roman]Obviously, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw in the conclusion that being happy comes firstly comparing with the money. Let us always work for the life and not for the money. [/font][/size]

很久没来了,前一段时间学校任务太多,加上6级考试,所以一直没时间写作文,抱歉
快放假,终于有时间了.准备开始备战GRE了,大家帮忙看看刚写的一篇
第二个题目,473字,检查拼写,语法,很久没写了,40分钟左右才写完.......

Being a friend is kind of tricky business, like being honest with chances that hurting friends, or lying to them with feeling guilty about ourselves and even guiltier when friends find out. Everyone has his/her own method to deal with such situations. As one like making friends, myself, I deem that it is slightly better that letting a friend make a mistake than saying or doing something that may destroy friendship.

First of all, supporting is more needed by friends instead of giving advice for the most time. In usual days, when our friends want to do something which they think are good for them especially the time they make up the decision, there is nothing we can do but support, which is just like what parents would do. Any more speaking will not help them except making them less self-confident. Trusting is one of the fundamental elements among friendship. If we trust our friends we should respect their choice and believe what they nailed is after deep consideration. So the best thing for a friend is to be supportive for the things that they really want without conditions, which is what to make a friend for.

Even though they made a mistake about these, furthermore, they could still learn a lot from those and will not blame their friends by the reason that such things were made by their own and were what they truly want. There is an old time word says, nothing harmer than the hurts that feeling on your own. Those concepts are just like what the difference between learning at school and learning at society. That things are told are much weaker than the things are experienced. Picturing a case, for instance, a friend of mine is getting married. However, the wife is marrying him for his money not himself, which is one thing that my friend did not see. If I tell him such truth, he will probably be mad at me and still get married anyway. Consequently, nothing changed after I told him, plus he is upset about me. Or if I could stop him at the first place, he would most likely hate me and might do such things again with some other girls because he did not get hurt. And that is what most people do.

Friendship is complex, as no one could deny. Sometimes, being a friend is just like being a parent. We support the decisions they made and comfort them when they failed. Therefore, we cannot put our minds on them, such as what is right, or what is wrong. Right or wrong that no one could list a standard should be judged by their own with experiences, not by us. So letting them have a mistake is perhaps the best thing we could do. Plus sometimes the mistake is controversial.

谢谢

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2008-6-23 15:31 编辑 [/i]]

回复 7# 的帖子

看一下这位朋友的习作,改了之后语言真是好了很多,我也要学习一下
只是这一句Then he is very easy to accept and correct accordingly, needless to say, now we finish the melody in a shorter time every day and he loves practicing!!!
感觉第一个逗号应该改成句号,否则这个句子的结构就有问题了.
观点方面,我和小艾版主的观点差不多,第二个分论点有点跑了,即便你该了依旧没有抓住你的分论点,而且作为整篇文章的结构,这一段的篇幅也太少了点,应该写到接近第一个分论点那样的篇幅

很久没来了,不知道说的对否,错的别介意....

[font=Times New Roman][color=red]要互改吗？我改谁的还是随便改？[/color][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Some people work hard and gain higher and higher pay .However, they find that they lose more and more happiness as the increase of the payment. When we have to make a either-or choice between the high pay and happiness work, I am afraid that I will choose latter,[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Firstly, being happy with work, we can enjoy life well. In my mind, it is better to choose a work according to my interests though the payment is not very high. If we do things with our interests , we will have more enthusiasms and good mood to finish the work, Do what we really like to do, and enjoy the process that is the meaningful life we have. Simultaneously, I hope my work in the comfortable places with genial workmates that the company where I serve has good culture and humanistic atmosphere and workmates can help each other when we meet the problems .work based on such conditions, I think the work will make more contribution to our colorful life than just a high payment. [/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Secondly, there is no highest limitation of the high pay that if we just pursue for the high payment, We are easy to lost ourselves at the material-pursued see. Many people just have a vague conception that they want to be rich men and have more money than others. To realize their blind aim, they begin to do the endless work though it is boring or even illegic, However, it is almost impossible to be the richest man in the world for every one and if we just compare our salary with other’s, we will find that there are always people who are richer than us . Meanwhile, we lost lots of the happy time with our family and the care for other more beautiful subjects in the world, Therefore, to pursue for high pay blindly is not practical and beneficial. [/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Thirdly, basically speaking, the aim of willingness to get high pay is to harvest happiness, and if we lose happiness, there is no any meaning of the high salary. I think most people choose high pay work because they thought they would gain happiness when they were rich. Therefore, happiness is what indeed people pursue for. However, rich men always are not happy as we expect. There are lots of the examples we can hear form our friends or media that the rich individuals who have high pay work didn't gain happy. Because they have to spend almost all of their time to
work they don’t like, sacrifice their private time and they always meet the problems that are harder than what can be solved by money, such as how to education their children, how to contact with people. Money only partly means success of people but not all, and can’t equate to happiness.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Nevertheless, we should ensure our payment can afford our lives and our families. Therefore, we cannot just do something that we think is happy and ignore the responsibility we should take. In conclusion, it is better for us to choose a happy and enough, though not high pay work..[/font]

[color=blue][font=Times New Roman]Being a friend is kind of tricky business, like being honest with chances that hurting friends, or lying to them with feeling guilty about ourselves and even guiltier when friends find out. Everyone has his/her own method(s) to deal with such situations. As one like making friends, myself, I deem that it is slightly better that letting a friend make a mistake than saying or doing something that may destroy friendship.[/font][/color][color=blue][font=宋体]（很精彩的开头）[/font][/color][color=blue][/color]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]First of all, supporting is more needed by friends instead of giving advice for the most time. In usual days, when our friends want to do something which they think are good for them especially the time they make up the decision, there is nothing we can do but support, which is just like what parents would do. Any more speaking will not help them except making them less self-confident. [color=blue]Trusting(Trust)[/color] is one of the fundamental elements among friendship. If we trust our friends we should respect their [color=blue]choice(s) [/color]and[color=blue] believe(believes)[/color] what they nailed [color=red]is[/color] after deep consideration. ([/font][font=宋体]这句的谓语有点多吧[/font][font=Times New Roman])So the best[color=red] thing[/color][/font][color=red][font=宋体]（[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]the best we can do[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman] for a friend is to be supportive for [color=red]the things that (what)[/color]they really want without conditions, which is what to make a friend for.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Even though they made a mistake about these, furthermore, they could still learn a lot from those and will not blame their friends [color=red]by(for) [/color]the reason that such things were made by their own and were what they truly want. There is an[color=red] old time word says(old saying)[/color], nothing harmer than the hurts that feeling on your own. Those concepts are just like what the difference between learning at school and learning([/font][font=宋体]去掉[/font][font=Times New Roman]) at society. [color=red]That things[/color][/font][color=red][font=宋体]（[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]the things that[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman] are told are much weaker than [color=red]the things[/color][/font][color=red][font=宋体]（[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]the ones[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman] are experienced.[color=blue] Picturing a case[/color][/font][color=blue][font=宋体]（好！）[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman], for instance, a friend of mine is getting married. However, the wife is marrying him for his money not himself,[color=red] which is one thing that my friend did not see[/color][/font][color=red][font=宋体]（[/font][/color][color=red][font=Times New Roman]but my friends don’t know[/font][/color][color=red][font=宋体]）[/font][/color][font=Times New Roman]. If I tell him such truth, he will probably be mad at me and still get married anyway. [color=blue]Consequently, nothing changed after I told him, plus he is upset about me.[/color] Or if I could stop him at the first place, he would most likely hate me and might do such things again with some other girls because he did not get hurt. And that is what most people do.[/font][font=宋体]（[color=blue]例子生动！）[/color][/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman][color=blue]Friendship is complex, as no one could deny.[/color] Sometimes, being a friend is just like being a parent. We support the decisions they made and comfort them when they failed. Therefore, we cannot put our minds on them, such as what is right, or what is wrong. Right or wrong that no one could list a standard should be judged by their own with experiences, not by us. So letting them have a mistake is perhaps the best thing we could do. Plus sometimes the mistake is controversial.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[color=#99cc00][font=Times New Roman]1．
[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][font=宋体]觉得这篇文章很精彩啊，思想很好。[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][/color]
[color=#99cc00][font=Times New Roman]2．
[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][font=宋体]开头非常的好，学习。[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][/color]
[color=#99cc00][font=Times New Roman]3．
[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][font=宋体]整体看，这是一篇很可爱的文章，很有自己的观点。[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][/color]
[font=Times New Roman]4．
[/font][color=#99cc00][font=宋体]有一些表达觉得繁冗了一些，在你用[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][font=Times New Roman]things[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][font=宋体]的时候能不能考虑用[/font][/color][color=#99cc00][font=Times New Roman]what [/font][/color][color=#99cc00][font=宋体]之类的词代替一下[/font][/color][font=宋体]。[/font]

[[i] 本帖最后由 zemantou 于 2008-6-24 23:52 编辑 [/i]]

二楼以更新

回复 12# 的帖子

请尝试给别人的文章一些suggestion 这样大家互动起来, 大家也会拍你的文章的!

回复 10# 的帖子

你改谁的, 都可以. 你的批改对于他人是很重要的, 就像等待着别人拍自己的文章一样, 多付出一些, 大家就会一起得到很多

你的经历让ETS鄙视，不考！不用分享！！自己品就可以了~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:kiss:

回复 9# 的帖子

谢谢版主的鼓励,最近要放假了,有点事,暂时又要有一个礼拜的时间不能来了,所以版主如果改了我的作文可能要下周末我才能看到了
不过今年暑假我会长期驻扎在此的

回复2#贴

2楼的小马很积极。

第一段
In this consumption-based society, money has exerted （加an)important influence on nearly every aspect of social life. Of course, you don't have to live your life as though you worshipped(不用过去时） the acquisition of money. Unfortunately, almost everything tells us that we should do worship. Television, billboards, newspaper, and even other people: they are all screaming at us to get(做好加much more) money. Therefore, there is no doubt that a great deal of employers would consider chasing high salary is more important than being happy of job. Although this trend has been steadily upwards, hardly can I agree that the role as the money plays necessarily transcend（改为transcending) the role of happiness which employers obtain from the work. In fact, no matter what will happen and how the society would be, the highly paid jobs without guaranteeing the employers' happiness would bring nothing but dullness even tragedy. 第一段有点长.

回复2#贴

For one thing, the limited satisfaction of the high salary that gained from unhappy work can not compensate for losses of unhappiness. Since a high salary really means being able to own a large villa, buy a nice car or do whatever else they want with the extra(改为such that) money, the employer with no consideration of working happiness (改为happily吧）would do everything to posses the money despite the time away from family, lost sleep, high stress, or poor health, meaning (that they would put the money before the family, friendship and leisure time. 这句话表意不清) However, those materialistic perquisites matters little to most people if they have to endure to suffer a greater risk of depression, have more anxiety and lower self-esteem(删去self esteem), experience more physical, behavioral and relationship problem and so forth. In fact, these people confuse money for what it is supposed to measure, and thereby maximize the wrong thing. They leave out of various kinds of priceless happiness--in family lives, in spiritual lives, in friendships---that money does not measure. Therefore, just as teaching to the test leads to (改为can lead to和下面短语保持一致）inferior education, working only for money can lead to miserable life.

回复2#贴

总体说来，写的好，尤其结尾段干净利落。:D
少量语法错误注意。
希望你也给别的小马改改作文。

回复 17# 的帖子

好的，欢迎hys17常住小马。
希望假期看到你积极发作文上来。:)