查看完整版本: 帮帮我吧..＝)

帮帮我吧..＝)

很想在暑假提高作文水平..但是没有老师帮忙
我能不能每天发一篇文章上来大家帮忙改改好吗.......就说一下哪里不好就可以了 可以吗

[[i] 本帖最后由 二妮 于 2008-6-27 22:51 编辑 [/i]]

哦..那算了
美国这边没有新东方啊

[quote]原帖由 [i]smalllab[/i] 于 2008-6-15 06:12 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=167049&ptid=16083][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
很想在暑假提高作文水平..但是没有老师帮忙
我能不能每天发一篇文章上来大家帮忙改改好吗.......就说一下哪里不好就可以了 可以吗 [/quote]

发上来吧
大家尽量互相帮忙就是咯～

好吧 有人帮忙就好...谢谢你

Prompt 1

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

          Many persons believe that to move up the ladder of success and achievement, they must forget the past,repress it, and relinquish it. But others have just   
          the opposite view. They see old memories as a chance to reckon with the past and integrate past and present.
     
     ―Adapted from Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, I've known Rivers: Lives of Loss and Liberation

Assignment: Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the past? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observation.

My Essay:
  
Our past help us find our way to future and success. People must learn from memories to help them move up the ladder of success and achievement. Trying to forget or deny the past is only a way of escapism.
  I was in the school basketball team for my last two year of middle school. Our team was the best team in our county, almost everybody knows "The Rockets". Maybe because the all the rewards we had win, we considered ourselves as unbeatable. As a matter of fact, we never lose, even in the smallest games.
  However, things changes too fast. We got a second place ranking in a basketball season match. It was not that bad because there were still a lot of schools behind us. But to us, it was totally unacceptable. We were very unhappy about the second place and refuse to practice for the next season. Instead of watch our video during the match and figure out what was the problem of our tactics with our coach, we were just sitting and blaming each other for the mistakes that we made during the match.
  As a result of this, we started to lose in all kind of games. The worse thing is: every time we lose a game, no matter big or small, we refuse to look back and think what we did wrong. Things were just getting worse and worse, some of the team members even started to think about quitting.
  Our couch didn't accept the quitting and he gave us a long talk. The only thing that I can remember now is the words he said that affect me the most:"Success grows out of struggles to overcome difficulties, if you guys can't even face the failure you made, what is the reason for you guys to win?"
  My teammates and I started to watch our videos at the matches we have lost. We were figuring what should be learned and what should be carried on together. We were not just paying attention on the matches that were coming, but also on the matches that we have won or lost. This made us "unbeatable" again, and this time, it really made us unbeatable.
  Looking back to the past not only a way for personal success, but it is also a principle for a company to success.
  Nike is a big company, it participate almost all the sports product. But inventing a new product and entering a new market is not as easy as it seems. For example, when Nike was trying to enter the golf market in the year 2001, its first invention was considered "garbage" by the public. Even Jordan―a famous basketball player―mocked their product as "don't even know anything about golf". Well Nike didn't stop inventing because of the comments and pressure. Instead, they looked in to their failure and figured out that style is not just needed for golf, comfort is also important. Nike hired Tiger Woods and let him tried their product. Their reinvention was very successful.
  Looking into our past help us find our way, without our past, our future will lead us to nowhere. Facing our past is also a way of being honest to ourselves. Let the past guild your life but not control your life is what we should do to find our way to success.
第一个例子是编的.第二个例子是真的~谢谢大家～

[[i] 本帖最后由 smalllab 于 2008-6-22 01:53 编辑 [/i]]

总体来说，非常好。为了多加表示我对全文的看法，我不做语法单词的纠正，希望楼主自己放到word里面让他纠错。

说几个我的想法。

我觉得第一个例子非常好，因为他包含的主题很多，楼主至少可以用于10个题目中，只要稍微改改就可以。但是，他也有他的弊端，就是容易让人觉得跑题。personally！我觉得在第一个例子的前端，楼主强调了过多的我们“自信”让我已经几乎忘记了你要写的主题是回忆过去，铸就现在，包括后面也是，让我觉得楼主的题目又改成了同志们之间没有teamwork~！你可以写到这些，但是关于你自己的主题的句子一定要比他们多很多才对~！[size=5][color=magenta]所以我觉得，如果要用这种万金油的题目，实在要多多点题！！[/color][/size]多多重复你的观点，千万不能把别的方面说多，要不别人就会感觉出你这个example是万金油~！像是你后来加的那句教练的话就很好，点了题，如果换了别的题目，希望教练可以聪明的说别的话~！o(∩_∩)o...不过我觉得教练的那句话还可以更加直接的说出你的观点！！

其次，我觉得你第一个例子的分段稍微有点多，因为你并不是只写这一个例子，而是还要写nike的例子，所以第一个没必要占那么多段！~！

最后，我觉得你的文章中，文笔非常漂亮，但首尾的文笔并没有很华丽，当然，简单明了也是很好，可是如果能想的更加完美一点，配合上你全文的华丽，我觉得也不错~！~！


楼主宝宝~！只要你坚持，2妮和其他朋友们就会坚持帮你改~！加油~！:hug:

[[i] 本帖最后由 二妮 于 2008-6-15 14:03 编辑 [/i]]

恩  文章整体把握还不错
不过编的的例子有些假了
赢就一直赢？ 必定有失误
输就一直输？ 那之前的赢不是实力吗？
太过绝对化的用词虽然可以体现你的想法  可是不切实际
前面写赢 可以说 在强强对抗中以微弱的差距输过
可是因为从这些输中找到的问题所在 于是之后赢了
后面说输 可以说 在低潮期连以前大比分赢过的球队都只是小分赢
之后分析原因 为什么低潮 是哪方面的原因 improve后就很很少有低潮

在写作里面并不是不能编 但是不能不切实际 既然lz觉得可能会临时编东西写进作文 我建议你平时发呆阿什么的时候 就顺着想法编些东西 写下来修改 或者多想想是不是切合实际  这种训练可以帮助你临时编的时候想的更加全面

谢谢你们
回6L 恩 我的事例是不能支持主题 的确是有一些 万金油 的感觉~谢谢
回7L 我会按照你说的去做的~ thanks

SAT Essay ____2____06/15/08

Prompt 2

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
        When people form opinions about someone or something, what affects them most is not substance but style. In other words, the way something appears or is  presented is more important than what it actually is. This principle affects how people look at their leaders and their lives, the books they read, the products they buy, and even the subjects they take at school.
Assignment: Is style more important than substance? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

My Essay:

   Substance is way more important than style. Without substance, style is nothing but a cavity. Will you eat a putrid candy from a gold jar, or will you eat the nice one in your hand?
   Have you ever heard of the movie "Léon the Professional"? It is a movie about a killer and a 12 years old girl. Léon is a traditional killer just like other killers: cold, cruel, never smiles. However, one day a girl came to him and begged him to save her from a murder. He made a "wrong" decision to help the girl out. After that, he began to teach the girl how to revenge her family. As the girl got closer and closer to Léon, she found that Léon is not really cold. Instead, he has been really good to the girl even though he refused to admit it. At the end of the movie, he sacrificed himself to rescue the girl. Despite the fact that he lived a cold and killing lifestyle, he still left a place for love in his heart, and this is why he is lovely-Even though he's a killer. Style is just a cover. Substance is the real quality of a person.
   Another example is about blog. A lot of people around us are writing blogs every day, but not all of them know what blogs are for. I often visit my friend's blog. My friends update their blogs every day. However, sometimes I found them uploading random pictures or writing random things on their blog. When I asked them why they did that, they replied: "Because I didn't feel like doing anything but I have to write my blog every day." Blog suppose to be a way of relax, but my friends are still writing them even if blogs become burdens to them. They paid too much attention on the style of "Writing blogs every day". They forgot the substance of writing blogs, which is the most important part of this invention.
   Same as the SAT essay. If I am just trying to make my words in the essay sounds more gorgeous, but I don't have a deep meaning in my essay. I'm probably not going to get a high score. Develop a deep meaning in my essay, pay more attention on the substance, is the only way that can help me get a perfect score.
   Substance is more important than style at anytime, anywhere. Even though people might like better style when appearance, but looking through the substance is the way to determine a thing or a person's real value, and it is the only way.

[[i] 本帖最后由 smalllab 于 2008-6-22 01:54 编辑 [/i]]

SAT Essay ____3____06/16/08

Prompt 3

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
  If we valued honesty, we would be willing to risk our jobs to become whistleblowers and tell truths that our employers did not want revealed. If we valued success, we would give up our free time in order to excel in a subject or sport. In other word, the sacrifices we are willing to make reveal what we care about the most.
Assignment: Can what we value be determined only by what we sacrifice? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

[b]My Essay:
[/b]
   Polices risks their lives to prevent crimes before they happen; nuns in the convent spend all their day in worship and prayer; students like us give up our sleep and play time because we want to get a higher score in SAT. Polices value peace; nuns value piety; student value study and score. What we value can be only determined by what we sacrifice.
    Because if we want to get something that we long for, we have to pay something, first. For example, Revolutions play important parts in every country's history. People gathered together for freedom or their rights. They knew that they might get killed or arrested. The sacrifices they made were for the value that they were seeking for.  
    I remember the final exam that I took in my 7th grade. The teacher told us that the test won't be hard and all the questions would be multiple choices a week before the test begun. "Multiple choices and not hard? That's easy! "I thought, "even if I don't know the exact answer I can still eliminate and guess the right answer!" So I stopped reviewing for the test and was very confident to get a high score. During the test, I didn't even know which choice to eliminate in a lot of questions. I felt sorry for playing for the whole review week. The result was terrible. But thanks to this lesson, I understood that if I don't want to sacrifice my time for study, I will never get what I wanted. Score can determine how much we sacrificed, and study is the only way to get what we valued.
    In 2003, a lot of people in China caught in a serious disease "SARS" (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome). Schools were closed; buses were empty; people lived in fear and helpless. However, there were a group of people who didn't care about the serious disease: Doctors and nurses. They were trying to cure all kinds of patients. Some of them even caught the disease when talking to patient. But there were always doctors and nurses took the place which they suffer. They sacrificed themselves for the value of doctors and nurses: helping others.
    We won't sacrifice ourselves to values that we don't trust. But we can do anything for reaching the value we believe. What we sacrificed can show what our true value is.

[[i] 本帖最后由 smalllab 于 2008-6-22 01:54 编辑 [/i]]

晕...第三篇写得尤其不好 见笑了...:funk:

急着要去上课 没太细看 提出几个明显的问题
1、写作里面不要提sat这种东西，评卷者是美国高中老师；就像国内老师虽然知道高考苦，但是高考作文里面拒绝诉苦是一样的，会引起反感
2、第二篇主要问的是表象比本质更重要。 明显第一个电影的例子和主题联系不够贴切，杀手冷酷等等也可以算是一种本质（杀手并非永远第一眼就让你觉得他是杀手，不然他还怎么混）。如果不引用电影，而是一个表面很温文尔雅、书生气、和大家闹得很开的人，表象上是让人觉得很nice，可是实际上却是个杀手，这是不是更能体现题目呢？
另外提到blog的例子，那个觉得更不扣题了。。。
3、第三篇文章题目：是否我们原意为之牺牲的东西才是我们觉得重要的？
the sacrifices we are willing to make reveal what we care about the most.
内容上我就不说什么了 请注意下面给你的建议

1、平时训练的时候一定要认真审题，特别是研读摘录的材料，题目只有一小句，你要硬解释成中文来思考肯定有不小的偏差，往往材料中挖掘到题目的本质。
2、平时训练性的写作要的不是追求数量，速度；而是quality！！！每个例子都需要斟酌，每个观点都要想想是否扣题
3、写完一篇之后晾它一天，过了一天你再看这篇essay，你会发现有很多rediculous的东西，但是不要以此怀疑你的能力。你的英语底子不差，但是因为训练不足，审题出错，例子不恰当等等其实也很正常，就像很多人高中作文写离体啥的。所以呢，review，一篇essay改过5次，就会变成好文章。我建议你把第一篇重新看一遍，做做修改，更有效果
4、急于求成在任何时候都＝浪费时间，慎重才是王道

恩恩 我也觉得觉得我没有认真得重新看我的作文
我没有完全理解第二个题目的意义所在
这样吧 我每天早上写 晚上检查完再发上来
[color=orange]谢谢你~[/color]

[[i] 本帖最后由 smalllab 于 2008-6-16 09:34 编辑 [/i]]

SAT Essay ____4____06/17/08

[b]Prompt 4[/b]

[i]Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.[/i]
   
          [b]Something flawed is far more interesting than something perfect. Perfection is a trifle dull. It is not the least of life's ironies that this, which we all aim at, is better not quite achieved.
[/b]
        ―Adapted from W. Somerset Maugham, [i]The Summing Up[/i]

[b]Assignment: [u]Is perfect something to be admired or sought after?[/u][/b] Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observation.

[b]My Essay:[/b]

   [font=Trebuchet MS]Perfection is not something to be admired or sought after. We all realize that no one is perfect, so aspiring perfection is out of our hands. As a matter of fact, sometimes things that are not perfect are better than the perfect ones. Such as a jade with an internal scar, will be consider more rare and beautiful then a "perfect" jade with no scar.
   I still remember my first art class. Our work was to sketch a person behind you. I was very nervous because it was my first time drawing and wanted to submit a perfect work to impress my teacher. So I quickly chose a person and started my work. Drawing a person was harder than it sounds. I was kind of angry because my target person kept on moving. I couldn't concentrate on things that I was drawing: The pleated places on his shirt or the emotion on his face. Unfortunately, I was the last one to submit class work. After class, I went to my art teacher and complained about that my target person kept on moving and I can't draw my work perfectly. She smiled and showed me my other classmate's work. That picture wasn't perfect. A lot of lines are not straight as it should be, and a lot of details of the person are not presented in the picture. But when I pull my eyes back to the whole picture, it was very impressive. The picture showed the characteristic of the person and I can tell who she was drawing at the first glance of the picture. Suddenly I understood that perfect is unreachable, but we can easily get higher than what is perfect, which is not perfect.
   I believe that the broken arm of the Venus de Milo (the Venus statue) is another example of perfect does not exist. People started to imagine how the missing arms should look like ever since the two farmers entered the cave of Venus. Thousand of ideas were coming from all over the world. Several of them were considered "perfect". However, after the scientists tried the ideas on the real statue, none of them really fit. People started to figure that Venus is best as it was, because the missing arms leave a chance of imagination for people. The missing arms are the beauty of this statue.
   Always striving for perfection would be never ending and frustrating. Perfection is illusory and we shouldn't admire or sought after it. But it is still important to do our best. Send Perfection away, life is what it is.[/font]

[[i] 本帖最后由 smalllab 于 2008-6-22 01:56 编辑 [/i]]

我于美国时间早上8：00完成 下午4：00复查 4：35上交
我将第一个例子改正后 觉得第一个例子最后一句总结还是欠妥....但一直想不出更好的conclusion....

谢谢 端木·宇 给我提的建议..真的很有用 :loveliness:

[[i] 本帖最后由 smalllab 于 2008-6-17 04:40 编辑 [/i]]

说句实话，我觉得非常好的文章！！！

几点小建议:
1、开头段有点啰嗦，第一句和第三句完全一样，既然你选择开门见山写开头，那就没有必要重复那么多，让人们反而觉得部简洁！第一段最后一句不错~！

2、第一个例子没有第二个例子精彩，当然了，自己的例子一定是这样，可是第一个例子翻译成中文是这样的：我做的特别认真，每一个细节都很专注，别人并没有那么专注，却做得很好很好~！同学，请牢记，你在谈论的perfect不是那么好，并不是不是很perfect 也很好~！~！

能理解么。所以你可以说他那个做得很好，但也要说你的作品，由于注入了过多的细节，反而没有了整体的感觉，没有那么好，所以引出根本就没有完美，不完美本身就是完美！

3、第三个例子很好~！

4、如果楼主每天都能这么勤奋，我希望楼主再加一项，就是每天积累1、2句你这个题目可以涉及到的名言，这样你的文章又体色不少~！




嗯，就这样了~楼主加油~！~！~！

回复 16# 的帖子

恩..名人名言我在看
就是名言的作者记不住:L
没错....第一段是有点罗唆..事例也没有写明重点...
~~谢谢你~~

SAT Essay ____5____06/18/08

[b]Prompt 5[/b]

[i]Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.[/i]

         [b]We need to remember that wisdom is not just about what we think or know, but more importantly, how we act. Simply being smart is not enough. i define wisdom as the application of intelligence and experience toward the attainment of a common good. In other words, the wisest people are those who look out not just for themselves but also for others.
[/b]
         ―Adapted from Robert J. Sternberg, "Teaching for Wisdom in Our Schools"

[b]Assignment: [u]What makes a person wise? Are the wisest people merely smart or are they also concerned with the well-being of others?[/u][/b] Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

[b]My Essay:
[/b]  
    "Wise" is defined in many novels and stories. "Wise" people must be old and evil. The three wise witches in Macbeth, who have supernatural powers, turned Macbeth in to a ruthless killer. The old wise lady in tale-tell heart, who was honored by people around her, told the family to kill the angle and feed the angle mothballs. Neither of them is wise. Because they are merely smart and they never concern with the well-being of others.
    Off course knowledge makes a person smart. But only smart people who care about other are wise. Michael is my friend. We were the best two students in our class. Both of us were considered "smart kids". However, I always get the first place, and he always gets the second. As I was always proud to say that I was smarter than him. Last time we were on a trip to countryside. The train was moving smooth and steady. He was playing with his new shoe that his dad gave him for his birthday. Suddenly, the train bumped without warning. One of his shoes felled out the window. I was feeling sorry about his birthday gift. But to my surprise, he threw the other shoe out immediately. "What are you doing?" I said "that shoe is worth a lot!" "It sure does" he said with an unacceptable smile on his face "I won't be happy with one of the shoes. It will always remind me of the lost of the other one. But the one who find the shoes will be happy because he gets a pair of them." I was smart. But he was wise, a higher level than smart. Wise people not only make themselves happy, they also thing about the happiness of others. That is the difference between smart and wise.
     I remember our last emergency training during school. We didn't know it was just training at first. We heard the sound of the fire engine and smelled the paper burning. The announcement said we should get out of the classroom one by one. However, people acted in different ways. Some of the student were crying and screaming. Some of the students rushed out the classroom and ran downstairs, pushing others that blocked their way. Well most of us were patient and quickly walked out of the classroom one by one. I learned a lot in this experience. People rushing out the classroom for their lives were smart. But people walking out the classroom were wise. Because if we really had a fire emergency, walking out the classroom would make more people survive. Running and pushing others could only cause more serious problems. This is why the smart people run, but the wise people walk.
     It isn't hard to be wise. Just think about others feelings before you want to do something. If you think others may not like the thing that you do, think out a way to change it. Thinking can make one smart, but thinking more can make one wise.

[[i] 本帖最后由 smalllab 于 2008-6-22 02:01 编辑 [/i]]

这篇写得不是很好.....总是觉得把wise people 太圣人化了

在行文上我就不多说什么了 很棒的

继续提内容上的
2个问题 之回答了一个 不知道是不是不太恰当？

第一个例子里面  前面说成绩的地方如果用wise会不会更好
wise和smart的区别

第二个例子walk换成有秩序会不会好一点？

有点抽象 不知道你能不能明白

[[i] 本帖最后由 端木·宇 于 2008-6-18 07:27 编辑 [/i]]