查看完整版本: 写了一篇作文，求指教，大家帮下忙啊

写了一篇作文，求指教，大家帮下忙啊

[b][font=Garamond][size=12pt]Topic 006[/size][/font][/b]
[b][font=Garamond][size=12pt]If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use specific examples to support your answer.[/size][/font][/b]
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[font=Times New Roman]I come from a little and quiet village. People living the village are so kind and diligent that I love them very much. I am always searching opportunities to do some for our village as a return. Now that I get the important chance to change my hometown, I would like to improve the infrastructures in our village.[/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]At present, there are few factories in my hometown. And businessmen do not want to make investment in our village just because the muddy rough road connecting our village to the outside world which cannot allow the passage of vehicles. People who want to visit our village must ride motor, bicycle or even walk. Even those people who study far from my hometown are not willing to go back to work after graduation, instead of taking their parents to leaving our village to live with them together. The most serious problem is that the specific local product can not be transfer to outside world due to the badly road.[/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]If our village has a clean and broad to connect outside, the situation would be very different. The rich businessmen will visit and make investment to our village by their expensive cars. Then more factories would be built in here. More important thing the factories would be to do is that more work opportunities would be offer to our villagers. It is no doubt that our villager’s living conditions will be greatly improved. Furthermore, other [size=10.5pt]affiliated[/size] infrastructures would be built, such as bus stops, supermarkets and hospitals. Obviously, most college graduates from our village will go back to work as well as take care of their old parents. [/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]On the other hand, with the broadly road, people living in the village do not need to worry about the special local product again, because of the product will be brought quickly to outside world with tricks. Not only can people increase their income with the product, but also the product will function as living advertisement to[size=10.5pt] publicize my beautiful hometown[/size], and more visitors will be attracted to be here for their trips. As a result, we will mostly benefit from the smokeless industry, truism. [/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]Since a bright and broadly road will bring us more benefits, it is urgent for us to mend and broad the main road. From my own opinion, if I have capacity to do something for my hometown, I would change its infrastructure which will benefit all the villagers. In my mind, it must be the best way to requite them.[/font]

[font=Times New Roman]I [color=Red][u]come(came)[/u][/color] from a little and quiet village.People [color=Red][u]living(who lived in)[/u][/color] the village are so kind and diligent that I love themvery much. I [u]am(was) [/u]always searching opportunities to do [color=Red][u]some(something?)[/u][/color] for ourvillage as a return. Now that I get the important chance to change myhometown, I would like to improve the infrastructures in our village.[color=Navy](开头入题快，手法新颖。但语法错误较多。在下面的练习中要多加强这方面练习。推荐朗文出版的"grammar in use," 语法在用，会有很多收获的:-)[/color]
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[font=Times New Roman]At present, there are few factories in myhometown. And businessmen do not want to make investment in our villagejust because the muddy rough road connecting our village to the outsideworld which cannot allow the passageof vehicles. People who want to visit our village must ride motor,bicycle or even walk. Even those people who [color=Red][u](lived in our village, and were)study(studying)[/u][/color] far from my hometownare not willing to go back to work after graduation, [color=Red][u]instead of takingtheir parents to leaving our village to live with them together（没看懂＝ ＝。）[/u][/color]. Themost serious problem is that [color=Red][u](the) [/u][/color]specific local[color=Red][u] product(s) [/u][/color]can not be[u]transfer(transfered) [/u]to outside world due to the [color=Red][u]badly(bad)[/u][/color] road.[color=Navy](是个很好的例子，比较充分的论证。但句子与句子之间的连贯性以及逻辑性，用词的准确性还需要增强。)[/color][/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]If our village has a clean and broad[color=Red][u](good abbrev.是不是少了个名词？)[/u][/color][u] t[/u]oconnect outside, the situation would be very different. The richbusinessmen will visit and make investment to our village by theirexpensive cars. Then more factories would be built in here. [color=Red]Moreimportant thing（more importance，）[/color]the factories [color=Red][u]would be to do is that （hire more people and）[/u][/color] more workopportunities would be [color=Red][u]offer（offered）[/u][/color] to our villagers. It is no doubt that ourvillager’s living conditions will be greatly improved. Furthermore,other [size=10.5pt]affiliated[/size]infrastructures would be built, such as bus stops, supermarkets andhospitals. Obviously, most college [color=Red][u](students) [/u][/color]graduates[color=Red][u](graduated)[/u][/color] from our village will goback to work as well as take care of their old parents. [/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]On the other hand, with the[color=Red][u] broadly（broad）[/u][/color] road,people living in the village do not need to worry about the speciallocal [color=Red][u]product(s) [/u][/color]again, because of the product will be brought quickly tooutside world with [color=Red][u]tricks(you've just made a trick :-))[/u][/color].
[u]Not only can people increase their incomewith the product, but also the product will function as livingadvertisement to[/u][size=10.5pt][u] publicize my beautiful hometown[/u][/size][u]（主语混乱，是people还是product?）[/u],and more visitors will be attracted to [color=Red][u](be删) [/u][/color]here for their trips. As aresult, we will mostly benefit from the smokeless industry,[u] [color=Red](truism)[/color][/u][color=Red].[/color] [/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]Since a bright and [color=Red][u]broadly(broad) [/u][/color]road willbring us more benefits, it is urgent for us to mend and broad the mainroad. From my own opinion, if I have [color=Red][u](the) [/u][/color]capacity to do something for myhometown, I would change its infrastructure which will benefit all thevillagers. In my mind, it must be the best way to requite them.


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[[i] 本帖最后由 TOEFL759_198 于 2008-6-16 16:09 编辑 [/i]]

:lol