查看完整版本: BARRON 的第一篇 大家看看呵 谢了~~~

BARRON 的第一篇 大家看看呵 谢了~~~

[size=10.5pt][size=5]一个重要的领导人[/size]
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[size=5]这篇在规定时间居然完成了[/size]
[size=5]呵呵呵  只是.... 自己看着都觉得有些不对劲[/size]
[size=5]总感觉少了什么样的~~:L [/size]
[size=5]大家帮忙看看呵~~[/size]
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[size=5]Dates back to the thousands years of world history, surely had uncounted leaders exert a positive effect on people's fortune, push forward the process of the history, their contribution are irreplaceable. Among the entire leader I consider the most important one is Chairman Mao.[/size]
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[size=5]To begin with, Chairman Mao, the greatest leader of China, he leads the separated country become a union and defeat the invader from other country. During his period, lots of countries in the world are invol[color=red]v[/color]ed in World War II, included China. In 1937, Japan set a large scale attack to our country, and their army had conquer[color=red]ed[/color] many cities. Besides, the pr[color=red]e[/color]dominate party prefer to focus their attention on civil war rather than defeat the attackers. People are suffer[color=red]ing[/color] from the double even triple painful. Their homeland are being destro[color=red]y[/color]ed, their family members are lost, even the whole country are trapped in most serious situation. Fortunately, Chairman Mao led the party and people as a union and successfully defeats the invaders. Hardly can I imagine that if without his help the whole country may extinguished.[/size]
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[size=5]Furthermore, he built up the People's Republic of China and set it on fast developing process. After the end of war, he led the country to rebuild our homeland. Meanwhile, the country face with the dilemma and great difficulties. But he never give up, he tries his best! Due to lack of the food, so he reduce his meal, as a result of shortage in clothe material, he does not made a new during the year, for the country, he works day in and day out. Finally, the country succeeds! And every aspect are develop at a high speed, we owe a large debt on Chairman Mao's great contribution.[/size]
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[size=5]Obviou[color=red]s[/color]ly, as a leader of the country, he succe[color=red]e[/color]ded in the things that he can do. He keep on working until the last minute of his life. And his spirit of never give up has greatly influence me, whatever we faced with, everything will become better. Until now, He is the most important and the most powerful leader in my heart.[/size]

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第一段
... surely had uncounted leaders exert a positive effect on people's fortune, push forward the process of the history, their contribution are irreplaceable.
这么长的句子要分开，且有语法问题，应该为：
....surely had ........leaders exerting a positive effect,.....history.
Their contributions are irreplaceble.

观点问题
一下观点值得商榷：
To begin with, Chairman Mao, the greatest leader of China, he leads the separated country become a union and defeat the invader from other country.

Hardly can I imagine that if without his help the whole country may extinguished.

ETS 的老师并不是不了解中国历史和政治，甚至有些比我们中国人还知道的多，所以举这些史实的例子要注意措辞的严谨性。否则就最好换个例子。

如果说少了什么，就最好再另起一段也个conclusion 再次强调一下Chair Mao的主要贡献。

文章还有个明显问题是：
时态混乱，以第二段为例：
Besides, the predominate party prefer to focus their attention on civil war rather than defeat the attackers. People are suffering from the double even triple painful.
这些动词都应该是过去时。还有其他诸如这些相同的句子要注意时态！

第一段的错误收到~~~
:lol
以后措辞得注意下哈 人家不是文盲呵....
写着写着事态就混乱饿,,,,,,,
:L
我再改改
多谢了哈~~~~
这么晚了都......

今天预报好象你们那有地震?
Be careful~~~

注意小错误啊
party&Party意思不同噢（只是粗略的看了一下）
第二段有争议，由于历史和政治问题的偏差引起的论据，最好不作引用。只是历史文化和民主体制不同造成的，要避嫌的撒

待我认真拜读后，再跟贴

Dates back to the thousands years of world history, surely had uncounted leaders exert a positive effect on people's fortune
主语混乱……前面半句错误，可以说when dated back to或者dating back to
后半句主语根本没写出来，如果说主语是history的话，history又怎么能uncount呢？
用fortune不好，当fortune作为命运的时候，它表示的是人的运气的转变，fortune有运气的意思，如果伟大人物能改变运气的话，那我跟胡锦涛握握手是不是彩票就能中500W呢？如果说fortune这边是财富的意思，更不好
可以用life

回复 7# 的帖子

蛮多天的帖子了呵~~
这篇写得很无奈....
第二段看来得大动了
呵呵呵~~~~
:lol

回复 8# 的帖子

谢谢和尚了哈~~~
建议收下了~~呵呵
那  fate 何如?

fate更不好，首先fate代表的是命中注定的事情
另外fate代表的很多时候都是厄运
和destiny一样，fate代表“将在一个人身上发生的不可避免的事”

回复 11# 的帖子

呵呵呵
还是老老实实用
LIFE吧.....
:lol