查看完整版本: 拿出2个小时改作文(以截止)

拿出2个小时改作文(以截止)

[size=4]鉴于5月17日考T的小马很多,求批的也很多, 5月15日晚上拿出2个小时给大家看作文..
有需要的小马们跟帖. 已经过贴子的请转到这里.
注: 本人眼睛近视, 跟帖时勿比将字体调大些!!![/size]

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-5-16 03:19 编辑 [/i]]

[size=5]谢谢大侠,帮忙看看最近的一篇,也是考试之后的第一篇

Everything or nothing, a traditional topic in philosophy, is also controversial in many other fields because as some scholars believe,when you have everything,you have nothing. Similar situation happens in study area,which including whether the university students should be required to take basic science classes even they are not part of the field of the study because they are useful.Being a student,myself,I always consider such study should not be concluded in students' works.

The society which are we all living in,foremost,needs everyone to do his/her best in his/her specific area by the reason that the division of the society classes. A man who does outstanding in advertising could not do the same in architecture but not for the reason that he/she is not smart enough, which is proved by all the current remarkable workers.Jenny,my friend,who has won tons of times awards of fashion, cannot edit her own design sketch on computer instead of by hand even though she was taught more than dozens of time, which would not be a reason that calling her stupid.

Taking lots of classes, furthermore, especially in science area would need much more energy which is one valuable factor for the people live in nowadays,who are suffering by all the pressures from the modern world. Science classes, the developing field by numerous generations' study, have already referred to so many areas that people with limited energy cannot learn them all in one life even though just the basic level. Students in Zhejiang University, according to a research, 70% of them are failing from more than one class that they are not major in. They will not be able to use such knowledge for a great chance after the graduation, which is the main point that they should not waste energy on those areas.

On the other side, students learning in other science areas have some benefits which including helping them doing better when they are cooperating with people from others. The problem,nonetheless,still has because of the basic knowledge they learned from university could not help when they are working with other-field people for most of the time.

Learning all well is learning no well.Instead of trying so hard on some areas that are helpless and we probably will never learn well, as a conclusion,we could save our energy on one specific area we could do much better which would help our society much more.[/size]

回复 2# 的帖子

考的怎么样! 怎么考完试还写啊! 精神可嘉! 有空多给大家批改批改..

多谢多谢，刚写的一篇。

[font=Times New Roman]About the controversy that whether should a students find a job, some people view it is too early for the teenagers to work with a consideration that students should concentrate their spirits onto their studies, while, as I see it, I believe working during learning at school is a nice experience for the students owing to what they will learn from it.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Among all the reasons, the most essential one is that they will practice themselves during the work. Students who have always been studying in the school do not have a chance to put what they have learned into practice. Some of the knowledge might be forgotten due to lack of applying. It is the work which students do while studying that provides a good opportunity to try their knowledge into the real world. Not only will the students improve their working abilities, but also will they understand the knowledge better and deeper. For instance, when you sell a television to a client, you may have to describe the principium of a television and how to tell a television with a good quality using your electrical knowledge learned in the class.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]That a student who has a job must learn how to manage his time efficiently is another factor to support my point. Since the student has to study as well as work, it would be so busy that he may not handle it. Struggling to do well in both sides, the student must spend every minute effectively. So having a job without the dropping of the grade scores is quite a challenge for a student, which will definitely develop his management of the time. My best friend Judy, a student-worker who is also a top student in my class, has her own way to deal with the time. She always makes a time schedule before doing things, she said it was a habit she raised during working.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Nevertheless, working while going to school may make it difficult to focus on the study. So tired after work the student is, that he may go to sleep instead of reading books for a couple of hours. Besides, if students do not have jobs, the time could be spent learning. The longer time a student reads, the more knowledge will he gains.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Considerable though the disadvantages the point that working while studying brings are, it is still a wonderful choice for the students if the abilities of working and managing the time are taken into deliberation. Thus, it is obvious to arrive at the conclusion that finding a job when still study at school is good for a teenager.[/font]

[size=4][font=Calibri]小艾太好了 嘿嘿~~~[/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Calibri]多谢多谢哈~~~
[font=Calibri][size=4]:lol [/size][/font]
[/font][/size]
[size=4][font=Calibri]现在社会人们太注重外表[/font][/size]

[size=5][font=Calibri]Do you spend a lot of time on your appearance everyday? Do you judge the people by their appearance at the first sight? Do you choose friend even girl or boy friend by their appearance? [/font][font=Calibri]If you have ever had such experience, surely you had paid too much energy on people's appearance. However, from where I stand, I cling to that people should not pay too much attention on it.[/font]
[font=Calibri][/font]
[font=Calibri]To begin with, as a proverb said, "A good friend is an important treasure in life". I consider what makes a good friend who is reliable, kind hearted and excellent character[color=red]i[/color]stic. They could influence your behavior, they could exert a positive effect on our study or work, and they can lend us a hand in time when we are in trouble. All of these are because they have the virtue and excellent characteristic, but not the appearance. According to a recent survey by C.C.O(China Campus Organization), nearly about 65% percent of college students hold the virtue as their style of choosing a friend and they are enjoy their friendship together. So, the style that I choose a friend is largely depended on their characteristic instead of appearance.[/font]
[font=Calibri][/font]
[font=Calibri]Furthermore, the confidence and our personal ability add the fuel to our charming. In order to attracted by people or their lover's attention people spend a great deal of time on appearance [/font]
[font=Calibri]everyday. They spend money on their clothes, try to make a different hair style and even act strang[color=red]e[/color]ly in public. But in my opinion, the charming that we attract other people is not from our appearance, to some extent, it is from the behavior and act natural[color=red]l[/color]y, from the confidence spread out from our body, and the ability exhibit on our study and work. It is undeni[color=red]a[/color]ble that what makes us success in future not the appearance! Hardly can I imagine if we spend too much time on our appearance instead of study and work.[/font]
[font=Calibri][/font]
[font=Calibri]Admittedly, appearance also has its own merits. For instance, when we meet one person at first time, hardly can we get more information about him or she, maybe the appearance is the only thing we can get. And besides, suppose if a person who both have great characteristic and good looking, that would be perfect. However, the disadvantages of appearance overshadow its merits. Obviously, we can draw the conclusion that people should not spend too much time on appearance.[/font][/size]

[[i] 本帖最后由 wuhao5217195 于 2008-5-15 05:20 编辑 [/i]]

回复 3# 的帖子

呵呵,说来话长,阅读和听力与大多数人一样，不是很理想，原因就是这次的题目本身太迷惑人了，阅读的答案要找很久并且都不确定，而做Barron的时候远没有如此的困惑，听力最要人命，很多人说语速太快，不过我一直坚持练习听力，Barron早就做完了，因此也没感觉有太大障碍，听得问题不大，要命的是听懂了看题目还是一头雾水，第一次考得时候都没有这样过，让人以为听错了段子。。。。。
后2部分相对有把握一些，口语发挥的我比较满意，近1个多月的练习没有白费~
写作部分也算正常发挥，综合写作问题不大

总而言之，成绩出来之后再细说吧

这个版块即使这次的成绩比较理想我也会常来，只是后面可能重点会放在GRE上面，iBT对我来说不只是一项考试，我更把它当作一个学习好英语、提高基本实力的机会，因此1年多来，我坚持使用E文操作系统，E文软件，看E文字幕的电影、电视剧，上E文论坛，玩E文游戏，我想这样对我今后的出国也是很有帮助的，因为英语不只是考了就算了，今后长期的国外生活（如果顺利的话）更要依靠英语
有时间一定会多来看作文，只是我写作水平一直没有很大的提高，有点力不从心。。。。。。。

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2008-5-15 07:57 编辑 [/i]]

回复 5# 的帖子

都是些老人在这儿回帖啊!
wuhao总是那么积极啊!
你的这篇文章写的很好, 从我个人来看大的方面: 有一点我觉得应该精益求精, 那就是每个sub points 的 topic sentence不是很具备概扩性. 以第二段为例, 以引用开头很好, 但是引用是为了引出分论点, 但是I consider what makes a good friend who is reliable, kind hearted and excellent characteristic. 并不能充分的支持never judge a people by s/he's appearnce. 而且有错误, consider后面是宾语从句 应该是 consider what ....is.....的句型. 定语从句后面缺少谓语. 第二段这么改 I consider, to begin with,  what is the  character of good friend is kind hearted and reliable, not apperance.  (not apperance非常重要, 有点题的意味) As a proverb said, "A good friend is an important treasure in life". Hence, finding a good friend which have a good quality is so important that it can influnce your whole life......我觉得这样通顺一些, 尽量尝试把句子合并起来, 考试的时候25 words 以上的句子一定要超过3句话. 之所以在这里给你改这么多, 是我认为每段的主旨句是写IBT作文最需要注重细节的地方. 因为 rater最先读(印象分)主旨句来判断你是否跑题, 然后根据你的分论点看你的论证或例子, 评价你的论政能力, 所以主旨句一定要起到主旨的作用, 看你逻辑是否合理, rater最喜欢看到主旨显明的sub point, 他能一眼就看出来不需要猜, so does i 同时也是看的最仔细的地方, 所以争取要将自己最好的词汇, 句型都用上, 一定要在这方面抓细节, 是决定你能否满分的关键, 你的主旨句不禁概扩性不强, 还有语法问题, 一定不能再范此类问题
    第三段, 同样出现这样的问题, 虽然句式很好, 语法错误也很少, 但是却显得有些偏离主题, 因为主旨句的问题: the confidence and our personal ability add the fuel to our charming. 不看前文, 我说这句话是 Why should people regard as self-confidence or personal ability very important. 的一个sub point的, 也很合理, 这就话喝文章的主题topic :never judge a people by his appearance 关系是在有些牵强 而且charming 是和 beautiful 一样形容外表的, 并不是魅力的意思, 是外在的, 因此文章的逻辑就有问题了, 还是在这么敏感的地方, 虽然有很多漂亮的句式, 但是逻辑, 细节还是基础, 再改改

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-5-16 02:05 编辑 [/i]]

回复 6# 的帖子

根据第一段我推测 should student  need to take science classes? 是这篇文章的TOPIC吗? 我批改的时候是把这个当作TOPIC批改的
第一段: 名言的意思是....帮我翻译一下, 我 没怎么看懂:lol ... 和尽信书不如无书差不多吗? 似乎和topic不太对路
第二段: 第一句话 改为 The society which we are living in together. 定于从句为陈述语句
后面 society class改为 social class 感觉第二段与主题不甚么关系 social class 和 science class 不相关 第二段想说明, 人不能同时精通多个方面并不代表他笨? 和主题无关吧.
后面关于, 每段段首的主旨句, 我希望楼主看一下楼上我的批改, 我认为你跟他烦的错误差不多.第三段开头来分析一下句子主干[i][Taking lots of classes, furthermore, especially in science area[/i]](主)[i] [would need much more[/i]](谓)[ [i]energy which is one valuable factor for the people live in nowadays,who are suffering by all the pressures from the modern world.[/i]](宾) 主谓宾 take lots of classes need energy? 我明白你想表达的是什么但是有时把句子写的太复杂就会混乱自己的逻辑, [color=orange][b]句子多样话, 并不代表句子要很复杂[/b][/color], 切忌反复套了好几层从句, 却没表达出自己真正的意思. 后面的例子还可以.
第五段, 首先语法错误.第一句话 On the other hand, students learning in(现在分词作什么成分呢主语? 谓语? 都不是如果是定于从句就应该是现在进行试 are learning 还有 learn 既是及物也是不及物动词,所以当做及物动词时不加 in 作不及物动词常用的搭配是 of 不是 in) other science areas have some benefits which including helping them doing better when they are cooperating with people from others.  在看这句话, 开头on the other hand 表明作者要从反面论述了, 也就是不是必须学习science course 可是后面却说学习 other science areas (其它自然领域, 还是自然) 矛盾, 应该是 other subject. 这篇文章是校园学生学习主题, 应该紧扣关键词class area不好. 虽然看起来都是小问题, 但是逻辑却乱了, 读起来就会晕的很, [color=darkorchid][b]所谓TOEFL写作的逻辑, 文章的逻辑: 层次感,条理清晰 句子的逻辑: 句子之间关系(因果,转折,递进...) 没有逻辑: 文章没有逻辑---文章没条理,想到哪写到哪, 句子没有逻辑--------句子之间没有任何联系, 感觉像句子的堆砌. 逻辑混乱:文章逻辑混乱 前后出现自相矛盾, 不能自圆其说, 句子逻辑混乱---举例子就是改用转折却用了递进, 或本来两个句子之间是因果的链接词, 可是内容却是转折的. TOEFL写作逻辑,内容大于,精彩句式,高级词汇, 这也是问什么很多练过GRE作文的人写TOEFL作文不怎么练,就很高分, 因为GRE作文都要求有逻辑性的要求非常高!
[/b][/color]忘我的肺腑直言, 能给你带来些启发

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-5-16 03:27 编辑 [/i]]

回复 4# 的帖子

先占楼, 有空给你批!!

[quote]原帖由 [i]qifeihu[/i] 于 2008-5-16 01:58 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=149598&ptid=13326][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
这么晚了还在为大家服务......
注意休息了要

那些问题 是比较严重.....
我会仔细改改的再
多谢了
:lol

回复 9# 的帖子

多谢多谢。

不过那么晚还没睡？要多注意身体啊~~~~

回复 8# 的帖子

感谢版主的指点,确实我的文章联系性不够,逻辑感也不强,今后我会着重练习的
society class我是想指社会阶级。。。。（class不是有等级的意思么）不知使用的对否
第一段的最后一句是我的论点啊，不够明显么？
第二段的论点和主题无关么？论点是社会需要我们每个人在自己的领域做到最好，要的精才而不是全才，这样就没有必要再去学其他领域的东西，这不就是对主题的论述么？

看来我的表达还有问题，不能明确的说出自己的意思，再次感谢版主的修改

回复 12# 的帖子

哦 class 对class有阶级的意思, 但是我估计老外和我在批改的时候都会误以为班级的意思, 要避免这种情况 用gradation替换吧,也有阶级的意思,  写作时最后一句是论点不是不可以但是我认为就考试作文, 争取写在开头, 因为符合英式思维!! 其实很多优秀的文章都没有结论段,或结论句的, 我们要尝试按照英式思维的习惯来写, 尤其是这种老外当rater的考试.
关于第二段 我在读文章的时候没有理解出你想表达出的意思, 我们用母语写的时候, 肯定不会跑题, 但是一变成英语就会有偏差, 这很正常, 所以才要互相看, 互相批, 自己看自己的文章, 有时除了单词错误什么也看不出来.  刚才看了一眼给你的批改, 发现自己打了很多错别字, 抱歉啊 可能太晚了, 有些晕, 呵呵!  以后经常写啊, 我都会看的

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-5-16 16:38 编辑 [/i]]

非常不好意思,偶没找到去哪调字体

Judging by appearance? why not?
Judging by appearance? why not? But the bigger question is how much of an appearance is being judged here ?Generally the good-looking person invariably leaves us a good impression at the first sight .We are inclined to get close to him or her during a conversation. Moreover, probably everybody more or less hopes her boyfriend charming or his girlfriend pretty.
      The main reason for my opinion is that external appearance, to some extend, can reflect his or her inner mind. A kind-heart woman can be judged by her soft voice ,by her smiling on face and even by her tender loving gestures. In contrast, a vulgar man is always associated with slovenliness and full of four words ,that is, appearance is like a mirror from which we can see his or her heart.
       Another reason is that beauty is what we should always encourage and appreciate. Beauty is our nature .why should we reject it ? Have you ever marvel every time you see the Venus? Have you ever wonder how perfect the stature of David is? Have you ever been crazy about  the Prince Charming in a fairy tale? If you do so, then you can understand that we shouldn’t feel guilty when we long for someone marvelous. As a famous saying goes, people is the most amazing beauty god ever created. If you have a fine taste about the orchestra of Beethoven, if you are attracted by fragrant jasmine in the garden, if you feel refreshing when you are in the light rain. Why not trying to appreciate good-looking people around you? It is just human nature.
       In addition, why some people turn out to be shamed at the mere mention of pursuing beauty or trend is indeed beyond my understanding. Since we are young, we should seize every opportunity to make us as pretty as can be , ranging from doing skin care to obtaining graceful social manners which are crucial in that they not only serve as a symbol to respect precious life but also assist us in normal social occasion.   
      Although I would like to see virtues form people such as loyalty, bravery, wisdom and so on, appearance is still a key factor when I chose a new friend. At least I want to make sure that the person I am dealing with possessing virtuous characteristics and paying attention to her behavior.
       In a word, feel free to judge a person by appearance!

谢谢先,小艾人真滴是太好啦

Advertisement
The tertiary industry is enjoying a significant prosperity. Thereby, as the major part of the tertiary industry, advertisement exerts a fascinating influence on every side of our life. When watching advertisements, I believe we can learn about latest products, the value or principle of a community, and at the same time have a look at the gorgeous scenery in the country.

Whenever a company produces some novel products, the paramount concern is how to introduce it to customers. Since advertisements possess superior advantages, such as the fastest way to leave an impression on the potential clientele, to get popular overnight in a wide spread, and seducing the radical fans to buy the productions his or her favorite stars recommend, they turn out to be the foremost target by corporations of all kinds. On the other hand, we, in need of commodities and hi-tech manufactures to improve the quality of our life, have the necessity to access to the new products. By watching ads, we can gain beneficial information as to the latest SONY digital camera, the APPLE mini-computer, and list will go on. What's more, we can meanwhile compare the prices among the products of nearly same functions. There are lots of TV producers, such as Changhong, Samsung, Skyworth. When watching such kind of ads, we unconsciously or consciously compare and contrast the similar manufactures to ensure that we are able to pick up the consummate option.

Moreover, slogans of ads are usually simple and profound, showing us the principle of the company, and to a further extend, the value of the country .We are not unfamiliar with such slogan "Just do it " . The connotation of the slogan proves that you should have a try no matter how difficult the circumstances looks like. And if you do so, nothing is impossible. Can't you see the spirit of adventure? Perhaps, it is just this spiritual pillar that supports the company to renew itself, to take a chance, and to make a change. Furthermore, don't you realize that just countless companies which hold this principle construct the mainstream value of the nation? Don't you now understand why Americans are always preparing for changes and novelties?


The world is a great and varied place, from the romantic Paris to the modern New York, however, all of us can't have a tour to our dream places. Luckily, through the advertisement, we picture what these marvelous places are like. For instance, I just saw the Olympus advertisement, which filmed in different places ranging from Paris to Korean. To tell you the truth, I seemingly felt the romantic and classical atmosphere from Paris when I saw the lighted Eiffel tower and the ancient cathedral, arousing my deepest desire to Paris. And the broad and azure ocean in Korean also brought the wings to me for a visit to the sunny beach there. You see, advertisement can act as a tourist guide which vividly pictures the splendid places in the country.

From above the discussion, you may know that ads can not only provide us with the concrete products but also transit the culture behind it. So watching ads is a terrific chance to learn about new products, the trends of social value, and well-known places, which accounts for why there are even some awards for the best ads all over the world.

回复 13# 的帖子

呵呵,真的谢谢你这么认真地看,今天下午发了一篇,在本周的作文贴里
说实话我的结构方面一直都是遵循上新东方的时候戴云老师讲的方式,开头方面都是先说现象，之后2种观点，最后才是自己的观点
中间分论点是2-1，2个正方的分论点，详述，1个反方的论点，略述，最后是结尾
你说的我也觉得很有道理，只是我现在不知道具体哪一种在TOEFL里面更合适，confusing..............

Anyway,看来还有很多地方要提高啊~多亏你了,前2次考得时候你在就好了....

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2008-5-16 18:59 编辑 [/i]]

多谢小艾呵:lol
今天刚练了篇
发周作文里面了
注意了前面你提的 加强了主题句
果然很有道理~~~~