查看完整版本: 几天事多没上写作版了....下午写了篇 大家看看呵 谢了~~

几天事多没上写作版了....下午写了篇 大家看看呵 谢了~~

[font=Times New Roman]一个人做事考虑钱OR ENJOYMENT[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]多谢了~~~[/font]
[font=Times New Roman][/font]
[font=Times New Roman]As the world developing in a high speed, money plays a vital role in people's life, not only we need money to support our family, but also we need the money to purchase all kinds of daily things. So, there is a controversial discussion about whether people should choose the things they do for money or for their enjoyment. From where I stand, I prefer the later one.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]To begin with, as an old saying goes, "Interests is the best teacher." Only if we have a great enjoyment on doing something, so we will put all the time, attention, and energy into it. Besides, we can do the things more efficient, and it is no doubt that success will closer to us. For example, Yuan-long-ping, a noted scientist in China, he is interested in searching on the method of growing rice. And this process feeds bake unspeakable enjoyment to him. Thanks to the enjoyment, he succeeded on the method of growing rice, and solves the problem of hunger in global world. Hardly can I imagine that if he choose it by money and have got no enjoyment on it, Chinese or the people in the world will suffer hunger. I consider enjoyment exert a positive effect on our work.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Furthermore, enjoyment can support people’s chasing goal and their life. No matter how hard the situation they have to faced with, no matter what kind of trouble or dilemma they are trapped in, no matter the other people throw a strange view and misunderstanding to them, they can get their will power from the enjoyment on their work or the things they are concentrate on. I can think of no better illustration as follows, Van Gogh, is a name of pianist that known by the world. But during his life, his work are have not been noticed by people, his life is fulfilled with problem like lack of money, failure in his painting work, and other people laugh at him. However, enjoyment from his work supply endless energy and fuel for him, and he keeps on trying his best on the work, painting! And finally, he succeeded. His work is accepted by the whole world and affected a large number of people. Is not the enjoyment leads him to success?[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Admittedly, money also have a irreplaceable position in our life, without it, we surely would suffering from hunger, unable to buy the clothes or daily objects. Obviously, enjoyment also means a lot to us, enjoyment exert a positive effect on our success, and can make our life more meaningful, enthusiasm and happiness. Now, we can draw the conclusion that the disadvantages of doing the things by money overshadow its merits. So, I still cling to my point.[/font]

so严格来说不能用在句首，应该是: ......, (逗号) so ......

你可以用一个更学术的词，therefore

他可以用在句首

你现在写作的感觉已经出来了，继续努力

原来还有这么一说呵
还不知道呢
多谢多谢~~~:lol
时间上还是少了
用了40分钟.....

最后一段中的can make our life more meaningful, enthusiasm and happiness，好像有明显的句病啊。。。

谢谢这几位的批改
多谢 我再看看~~

已经很不错啦:)

基本很不错

Is not the enjoyment leads him to success?
是不是错了，谓语不该有2个