查看完整版本: 请高手指点，不胜感激！

请高手指点，不胜感激！

As a girl grew up in a traditional Chinese family, I do strongly support the idea that parents are the best teachers. I am in favor of an old saying that "practice make perfect". That's the parents exactly the practice teachers.
Studies have shown that, in one’s life, childhood was the most important period to build up one's world outlook, shape the personality, and so on. And one person's childhood mainly live with one's parents, he(she) won’t have chance to get touch with the other people. So we can see what role the parents play in guiding a child's growth.
From another aspect, parents usually the children's idol. From baby to youth, no matter how odd or big the things are, they are all resolved by parents. And usually from a child’s eyesight, his(her)father can give him(her) what he(she) want, and his(her) mother can make delicious food, and make the home full of warmth. It is so magic for him(her).So they will walk like the "superman", and arrange things like the "superwoman". On the contrary, if the owner of one home goes home as a laid out man, the child may think that is the true life, he may act at a familiar way, especially an adolescent, who is at the confused age.
Think about the stories in history, countless examples can verify my statement. Just take Madam Curie an example. Curie, who won the Nobel Prize twice, had made great progress in the discovery of a new chemical element. Her daughter was also a Nobelist.
From what I have mentioned above, we can see that the parents are the best teachers, and what they should to do is being an ideal model.

第一段举例“practice make perfect”用在形容父母上不是很恰当。
论点没有充分展开。
举的例子缺乏细节。

[[i] 本帖最后由 ChenChenSeven 于 2008-4-25 21:54 编辑 [/i]]

改

As a girl grew up in a traditional Chinese family, I do strongly support the idea that parents are the best teachers. I am in favor of an old saying that "practice make perfect". That's the parents exactly the practice teachers.
Studies have shown that, in one’s life, childhood was the most important period to build up one's world outlook, shape the personality, and so on. And one person's childhood mainly live with one's parents, he(she) won’t have chance to get touch with the other people. So we can see what role the parents play in guiding a child's growth.
From another aspect, parents usually the children's idol. From baby to youth, no matter how odd or big the things are, they are all resolved by parents. And usually from a child’s eyesight, his(her)father can give him(her) what he(she) want, and his(her) mother can make delicious food, and make the home full of warmth. It is so magic for him(her).So they will walk like the "superman", and arrange things like the "superwoman". On the contrary, if the owner of one home goes home as a laid out man, the child may think that is the true life, he may act at a familiar way, especially an adolescent, who is at the confused age.
Think about the stories in history, countless examples can verify my statement. Just take Madam Curie an example. Curie, who won the Nobel Prize twice, had made great progress in the discovery of a new chemical element. Her daughter was also a Nobelist.
From what I have mentioned above, we can see that the parents are the best teachers, and what they should to do is being an ideal model.

第一段最好可以把你要说的观点都列举出来，这样会显得充实
第二段的句子好像简单了，studies可加数据
parents usually the children's idol. 没有谓语吧
总体的连贯性不是很强  结构不是很清晰呢

谢谢楼上两位的耐心，不胜感激！！！:handshake
还是第一次在模考软件里按时写，完成的很仓促。
日后更该多加练习了才是，一起加油:victory:

[[i] 本帖最后由 mylobster 于 2008-4-26 22:10 编辑 [/i]]