查看完整版本: 4月24日发放作文题6

Para2
这段太长了建议在看看，可以分开写，避免条理不清

The [color=magenta]reduction--改为slowing of pace[/color] in life can keep us [color=magenta]in去掉in[/color] a good health and a good mood. Only to slow our step, we could [color=magenta]be 加一个keenly[/color] aware of flowers aside a street, songs of birds in a tree, enjoyable breeze and warm sunshine that will [color=magenta]refresh us--改为refresh our mind[/color] and be beneficial to our body. As long as we slow down, we will possess a more lovely and healthy life. However[color=magenta], to roam in the street--改when roaming[/color], nowadays, you will find that everybody who has twisted eyebrows and walks in haste seems [color=magenta]to be busies to doing--应为be busy in doing[/color] some significant things[color=magenta], 这里另起一句whereas,[/color] in fact, there has no thing that they must to do, [color=magenta]which is a common phenomenon in modern life.后半句定语从句省略 [/color][color=magenta]People under--改为with the symptom[/color] show that invariably keep in a nervous situation, even after working, that result in an illness which [color=magenta]displays改为lead to[/color] the sleepless, to startle to wake up by a nightmare, and which, especially, consisted in young people who afford lots of pressure than the elders[color=magenta].--后半句定语从句建议改[/color] [color=magenta]According to a psychologist’s research, the number of youth who suffer from the illness for the pressure caused by the gradually growing of rhythm of life is increasing at a speed to add ten percent every year. And in the article, the researcher indicated that the function of immune system of those people who under the state will be reduced to defend them from bacteria, resulting in getting them into illness.建议这个研究例证放在本段开头说
[/color]

主要问题在第二段
最后一段

Moreover, no one will deny that the aim of everyone [color=magenta]came--改为come[/color] into the [color=magenta]world is enjoy and feel the life这半句好像没说完。[/color] which always superior to the work. Under the circumstance of pressure constantly will have no benefit to people except sleepless and eternal pressure.

建议：不要一味追求写长句子，因为前提条件是你写的句子要让读者看懂。长句子驾驭不好，就容易出现表意不清和语法错误，你再针对我改的地方好好看看，还有别的小马给的批改意见也很值得借鉴。

回复 50# 的帖子

一点愚见：
The answer to this question differs from individual to individual. With the rapid development of society, people often change their attitude of same topic <same 前要加the么？>. Some people may prefer one to another though some have on opinion. Before rendering my opinion, I consider it is necessary to take a glance at argument of the both sides.

Some people prefer doing things in a hurry because of obvious reason that doing thing quickly can save much time to do other things. Because we should study more knowledge and get more information in order to keep pace with the rapid society. More and more people complain that they have not enough time to more things. Therefore, time become more valuable thing.<呵呵，我和您用的是同一款 模板:lol ； 痕迹明显，最好有实例而不是一直说道理:) >

As a proverb goes:” every coins have its two sides”   < 这句话能不用就不要用，因为太多人用过啦:Q >    . Although doing thing quickly sounds reasonable, it is rushed conclusion if you consider the answer from different perspectives. For example, people always want to get correct answer, but reckless answer.     < 这句话和后一句的意思有点不太顺的感觉，因为这句没有表明到底是什么mistakes>   Doing things slowly can avoid the mistakes. Hence, that doing thing quickly is always better choice is not supported by sound reasons.  < 好像是要用主语从句把，这个结构特别好！ 但是这句还是有语法错误的>      Further, taking one’s time to do something, unfortunately, often is <可以改成 is often 么？>   underestimated. There are many reason why some people like to take their time to do things, I will explain some important ones.  <这句说人们喜欢快是友很多原因的，但是下面两段说的都是快不好的原因，感觉思路有点乱>

The main reason is that doing things quickly may lead to make some mistakes. Because we are human, it is impossible for people to avoid mistake if we do thing very quick. Doing think quickly is not good habit for people, especially for young people, who have less experience. They would feel happy when they have finished the work, no matter how many mistakes they made.   

The other reason is that some things should be done slowly. For example, when we do some experiment of chemistry, we must spend enough time to wait for the result of experiment; scientist also must spend more time to understand deeply why it happened and what the theory is..


To sum up, though I admit maybe doing thing <是指快还是慢？>    has some advantages, I still think the disadvantages of doing thing quickly are more obvious. If all the factors are complied, we can safely draw conclusion that doing thing slowly is wise decision.

发我滴啦，请关照~~

In the modern society, there is a general controversy about the issue of whether we should get things done as soon as possible or live life at a slower pace. Obviously, both of them have their advantages and disadvantages. Therefore when people face the dilemma of making a decision quickly or waiting until a totally preparation, it will be a "hot potato". Before rendering my support of the quicker decision, I think it is necessary to take a glance at the arguments of both sides.

For sure, some people may agure that careful consideration and preparation will be instrumental to your work. And after those, you can be definately more confident, which will not be detrimental for you.

However, it is hard to believe that you can not be successful without a long time of preparation. We must realize that time dosn't mean effects. To illustrate this, there is an appropriate example that is very persuative. As a extremely famous writer in China, Yanzi Chen's first book name "My dear Yellowmountain" is very famous and has been sold out more than one million within half of one year. Then eveyone was expecting for his next novel. But after two years of thinking and revision, the coming one made his funs and readers very disappointed.

Besides, the further reason why I advocate the quicker pace is that sometime the treasure opportunity can not wait for us until we have a mature thought and are totally prepared. Just look book on the last example, if Chen could get his new book soon after people got to know him and still are interesting about his style of writting, maybe it will be another hot-seller.

Moreover, some experts maintain that quick decision can force us be diligent rather than wasting of time. This significant point, however, is often not noticed by most people and accordingly, is unconsciously overlooked.


If all the factors above are considered, we will find out that a decision as quick as you can outweigh those of the slower ones. Sagaciously, we have no alternative but to choose the quicker space for a wiser decision.

354字数是不是太少了啊？大概多少合适呢（非N）？我的模板是159 （晕，半小时就写200字:L :L ）

回复 82# 的帖子

嗯～这次确实写的有问题～～回去好好改～班主任姐姐辛苦啦～～:)

I generally agree on the statement some people hold that we should enjoy our life and keep slow pace in daily life. They believe that being slowly make the life meaning and have more chances to enjoy life. However, in the most ceases, being a hurry life may be more appropriate fro people to increase their life standers. Because keeping a rapid pace can make one’s life more efficient.
To began with, keeping a rapid pace in daily life help us save more than for relaxation. We live in the society where bring a huge pressure to us. Sometimes we feel tried, even under weather, since a heavily work load. So, the leisure time after work may be more important than anything else. for my opinion, to finish work in a short time can avoid unnecessary extra work.
For example, My sister who study in a famous university have to take a partime job for five hours per day because covering tuition. But the problem is there are so many assignments required by professor so she tries to finish her partime job without any mistakes as soon as possible on order to have enough time to cover the assignment.
我来发个初稿啊。不知道还能不能赶上。
On the other hand, keeping hurry to get tings done can change our life. In the recent years, the price of necessaries and oil goes up and expecting higher, then a practical problem we have to face is how to make more money and increase our life. All we have to do is keeping our life with rapid pace not only because of it help us to avoid buying something that useless for us but also because it lead others recognize us as industrious people. I’m a fan of keeping rapid pace, for example, my cooperators like to sign contract with me. since they think of I can finish job quickly and efficiently. Finally, I can earn more because of trust.
Consequently, given the reasons discussed above. We can arrive at a conclusion that being a fast pace can improve our life and make our work more efficient.

回复 84# 的帖子

感觉模板是有点多了。。实际内容也就有170个字吧。。我一开始也用了100多字的模板，后来感觉都是废话。除了充字数就没有其他的用处了。后来给我一个美国朋友看，他说看我作文的时候只关注我的的意图，是否有说服力，模板tnn的一眼就看出来了、现在我放弃模板了。。
In the modern society, there is a general controversy about the issue of whether we should get things done as soon as possible or live life at a slower pace. Obviously, both of them have their advantages and disadvantages. Therefore when people face the dilemma of making a decision quickly or waiting until a totally preparation, it will be a "hot potato". Before rendering my support of the quicker decision, I think it is necessary to take a glance at the arguments of both sides. [color=black][u][i]（my comments:u should drawed your view on the frist paragraph that will make reader understand what's you think about.,however the 1st paragrapg confusing me about which opinion you hold.）[/i][/u][/color]

For sure, some people may agure that careful consideration and preparation will be instrumental to your work. And after those, you can be definately more confident, which will not be detrimental for you. [i][u](the combination of 1st para and 2nd will be excellent..)
[/u][/i]
However, it is hard to believe that you can not be successful without a long time of preparation. We must realize that time dosn't mean effects. To illustrate this, there is an appropriate example that is very persuative. As a extremely famous writer in China, Yanzi Chen's first book name "My dear Yellowmountain" is very famous and has been sold out more than one million within half of one year. Then eveyone was expecting for his next novel. But after two years of thinking and revision, the coming one made his funs and readers very disappointed.

Besides, the further reason why I advocate the quicker pace is that sometime the treasure opportunity can not wait for us until we have a mature thought and are totally prepared. Just look book on the last example, if Chen could get his new book soon after people got to know him and still are interesting about his style of writting, maybe it will be another hot-seller.

Moreover, some experts maintain that quick decision can force us be diligent rather than wasting of time. This significant point, however, is often not noticed by most people and accordingly, is unconsciously overlooked.


If all the factors above are considered, we will find out that a decision as quick as you can outweigh those of the slower ones. Sagaciously, we have no alternative but to choose the quicker space for a wiser decision.
([u][i]sorry for so few comments cause i'm busy with the exam as well and for did't check grammar er ror because  of i'm bad on it  too. but for my opinion, to reorganize the structure and  fill more stuff can make ur essay more attractive and easily to understand..:handshake :handshake  )[/i][/u]

[[i] 本帖最后由 小老虎忽忽 于 2008-6-3 22:39 编辑 [/i]]

Live a life in a hurry or in al slower pace?

In the mordern society,the development of the whole socity including every aspects is speeding up so swift that the competitiveness is becoming more and more fierce.It’s true that people have no alternatives but to live in a fast pace to keep up with the advancement of the ever-changing enviroment.However,I personally believe that you can live in a more efficient and enjoyable life if you try to slow down your fast step adjusted to the various circumstances.
First and foremost,when setting your mind to accomplish a complex task or pursuit,it’s much easier and more achievable when you fulfill it in a slower pace and set up a reasonable schedule to arrange every step to keep everyting under control.For instance, it’s your turn to give a presentation in your biology class.If you put off the job until the last night before the deadline and you have to make it out in one night,it’s absolutely you can’t do a good job and perhaps you may stay up late that night.And you will definitely feel wearisome and exausted the following day,how could you possibly give a successful presentation?On the contrary,if you prepare for the presentation one week ahead of the due time,you may collect abundant materials and get your content well organized.What’s more,you could gain more confidence and fluency with several times rehearsal.
Secondly,it’s hardly to achieve a enjoyable life with a fast pace.Everything comes to be an emergency when you handle it in a hurry.In this way, you feel more worried and pressure about the disturbing stuff.What you could probably only to concentrate on is nothing but the present obstacle.However,at same time ,it’s quite impossible for you to become ignorant and blind to the other incidents occuring during the process or in the daily life around you.Not much time is left for you to think over the project .Thus You may miss the opportunity to come up with a better method to deal with it in a creative way.Moreover,you may overlook the requirement of company of your families or your friends.In the long term ,your personal relationship may be deteriorating under a severe situation.Eventualy, you might find youself lonely one.
To sum up ,only when we live a life in a slower pace ,can we win a efficent and enjoyable life with qualified guarantee.

回复 87# 的帖子

谢谢您的修改！
呀，貌似这个帖子被遗忘了很久啊，顶下！