查看完整版本: 4月24日发放作文题6

回复3#TSONG

[color=seagreen][color=seagreen][font=Arial][color=red]红色为改动过的部分 [/color][/font][font=Arial][color=royalblue]蓝色为不确定的表达  [/color][/font][/color][/color]
[color=seagreen][color=seagreen][font=Arial][color=magenta]我用华丽的粉色作了批注和词汇句子修改[/color][/font]
[font=Arial][color=#0000ff][/color][/font]
[font=Arial][color=#000000]Confucius, the greatest and most influential philosopher and educator of ancient China, was quoted in the Analects as saying,"  We may miss terrific sceneries if we walk too fast." Nowadays, here goes a heated debating[color=magenta]--改为debate[/color]. Some people prefer to get things [/color][color=red]done[/color][color=#000000] quickly, while others think that we should live life at a slower pace. As far as I'm concerned, we should slow down [/color][color=red]for the purpose not only to gain a more healthy body, but also enjoy every minute of the seemingly limit life[/color][color=magenta].---不是seemingly而是actually所以改为limited life span.
[/color][/font]
[font=Arial][/font]
[font=Arial][color=#000000]For starters, in order to be healthier, we should slow down the pace. The recent statistics published by the China Daily shows that on average 75% of the employees in three big cities--Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou--are undergoing a depression due to the stress comes from their work. As we all know, depression is kind of mental diseases, which also contributes to the poorer condition of physical status. People with depression may get sleeplessness, become less appetite,[/color][color=red] or even seriously do harm to the normal function of the heart[/color][color=#000000]. Been frightened by this report, I can't take my health as risk. Rather than work night and day[color=magenta]--改为overwork night and day[/color], I prefer to be more relaxed so that I won't [/color][color=red]suffer from[/color][color=#000000] depression.[/color][/font]
[font=Arial][color=#000000][/color][/font]
[font=Arial][color=#000000]Besides, taking a slower pace can provide us[/color][color=red] the quite mood to enjoy the natural [/color][color=#000000]life. Last week, our community organized a barbecue, which I enjoyed very much on the beach in the suburb. The environment there was brilliant, no cars, no pollution, all we had was the [/color][color=red]rhythmic[/color][color=#000000] breeze from the surface of the sea. At first we played volleyball on the beach, then we [color=royalblue]digged holes to find [color=magenta]some[/color] little crabs[/color], in the end we held a big dinner to celebrate the coming of spring. We really had a good time and completely escaped from [color=royalblue]the heave-load work [/color][color=magenta]注heavy[/color]. What a pity [/color][color=red]for[/color][color=#000000] the people who [/color][color=red]rush from here to there[color=magenta]获改为 rush everwhere[/color], since they can’t experience the rhythm of our mother nature[/color][color=#000000]. How much fun would they miss? Therefore, to experience the beauty of nature, I would choose a slower pace of life[/color][color=magenta].--这段很优美，让人联想到到一幅美丽的海边水彩画.:)
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[font=Arial][color=#000000][/color][/font]
[font=Arial][color=#000000]Although many people argue that we should speed up so that we won't be left behind by the current economic development, and we should improve the efficiency to capture every opportunity.[/color][color=red] More importantly, someone think that taking a break means dropping the money because they hold the opinion that time is money. [/color][color=#000000]However, compared to a good health and an enjoyable life, money, opportunity, and the success of business seem nothing to me. Thus, I'd love to[color=magenta]--最好改为would like[/color]  slow down to achieve the most meaningful life.[/color][/font]

[/color][/color]

回复4#cami119

从第二段看起：
  In a slower pace, it allows me to think matters over calmly and objectively. As the old saying goes, think twice before jump. People that hurry up often have no time to consider things comprehensively, which will lead to a one-sided conclusion. Or even worse, as another old saying goes, haste makes waste. And it will result in a completely wrong decision which maybe is [color=magenta]irreversible--这个词用的好[/color] from then on. Let us just look around. Perhaps you get up late in the morning and have little time to take breakfast, so in haste put a metallic bowl of milk into the microwave oven and hope to heat it in several seconds and drink it on the way to your company. Nevertheless, it is well known that metallic containers should never be put into a microwave oven. Otherwise, the oven will be destroyed and even cause fire disaster in your house. As a result, I would rather to keep a slower pace to maintain a sober head.([color=magenta]这么表达对吗，冷静的头脑？)--可以，用sober mind更好。[/color]
Another reason for me to choose a slower life is that people in slower speed of life always feel relax. It is undoubted that everybody would like to be in a peaceful and comfortable state. Recent data has showed that people in relaxed status will live longer than those who are in stress, and have fewer possibilities to suffer from mental or cardiac diseases[color=magenta].--这段可以具体展开一下。[/color]
    Admittedly, finishing the tasks in a limited period has its merits as well. It spares an amount of time to do other useful and interesting things. What is more, doing things as quickly as possible can make people especially students know the essence of efficiency, which is, of course, conducive to their development and [color=magenta]maturity--去掉[/color] in the long run.
    In sum, judging from the supporting evidences provided, although considering the advantages of doing things in a hurry, I would like to live in a slower pace in most situations, not only because it gives me more time to think matters in a comprehensive and objective way, but makes me加keep in a good mood.

[color=magenta]总结：supporting para2 可以再展开，语言通顺，语法错误少。[/color]

回复 60# 的帖子

感谢版主的批改
most of the "done" is sort of weak. 是从老友记里面学的,比较口语化,这篇我用口语化的表达较多,意思是想说:比较讽刺的是,这些所谓的"完成"大多都有点不够格
看来这种风格还是不要用了,老老实实写学术性的吧

再次感谢

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2008-4-29 08:32 编辑 [/i]]

回复 58# 的帖子

:) 我六月还有一次考试诶。。。不过还是没有什么时间复习了，因为考试太多了，都赶到了一起，大家一起加油啦。。。

回复 61# 的帖子

谢谢，版主！看得那么仔细。继续加油，五月四号就要考了。。。

回复5#愿望

A large amount of people who are living in the city claim that only being busy in doing their things can make them more easily obtain success. Therefore, they are always in a hurry to go to and get things done. Others, on the other hand, hold the opinion that life should be a enjoyable process at a slower pace and it is better for us grasp every time and chance to enjoy our meaningful and enjoyable life. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the latter opinion.
   The most important factor for my inclination is that living in a slower pace will be beneficial for us to maintain a perfect health and fitness. After all改为first and formost, health is the one of the most significant concerns of our whole life. And as we all know that physical and mental health are vital [color=magenta]prerequisites这个词用的好[/color] for our career development and achievement. On the contrary, a [color=magenta]style改为being condition of busy life[/color] may bring significant改为terribly harm to both[color=magenta]加our[/color] physical and mental health and[color=magenta] will改为thus[/color] be more likely to destroy our normal life. A recent investigation conducted in China indicates that 4 out of 5th city residents are living in a sub-healthy condition because of the quick pace life. Therefore, living in a leisure [color=magenta]condition改为style[/color] may enable us a highly qualified life and make us改为lead to an expectancy of
a longer life.

    Another equally essential reason is that I think that doing things at a slower pace, rather than at a quick pace, can ensure the high efficiency and quality. Since it is nearly impossible for us to do the same things all the time, and everything that we have to deal with has its own special conditions and considerations, which may spend us a certain time and energy on thinking of them [color=magenta]去掉of them[/color] before doing them. [color=magenta]While这句语法错误去掉while[/color] a person can not completely and considerably elaborate on the things he/she will finish because he/she has not enough time to think of them carefully. For instance, Andy, one of my friends, usually does the things in a hurry, but [color=magenta]always does some foolish things.建议最好改为make some stupid/foolish mistakes 这个这句[/color]
[color=magenta]话都要改，例子for instance放这句末。[/color]Last time, we went to Egypt to have a holiday, he just spent no more than two hours to prepare, while others spent nearly one day. When we arrived at the airport, he suddenly found that he had forgotten to take the ticket. What a terrible thing!
    Although living in a busy life may also have some benefits[color=magenta] like more opportunities to get high salaries or promotions---how so如何得出这个结论？？,[/color] I still prefer to live in a slower pace and ike to enjoy every second and thing in my life, which will not only brings me the good condition of my life but also make me more likely to gain success.
[color=magenta]结尾还可以再补充一些内容。使其看起来连贯，避免思维跳跃性太大。[/color]

回复6#wuhao

修改:
With fast development of the
world today, people, as an essential part of it, [color=magenta]the pace of their life are become语法错误 more [/color]
rapidly. 改为[color=magenta]rapid(So, many people are faced with改为in such a dilemma[/color], whether they should hurry
to go to places or take their time and live a slower pace. I prefer the former one
To begin with, people living in this developing world, it is no doubt that they need to catch up
with the pace of the development.[color=magenta] I can think of no better illustrations than following cases,再[/color]
[color=magenta]思考一下最好的例子未必是自身的例子，找个更有说服力的例子[/color] I am a college student, I have to spend
a large quality of time on my majors, such as mechanics, statics, materials and so on. Moreover
when China join the WTO, it brings about more international communication in our major, so,
English becomes an essential ability in this field. Only can we save the time from daily life and
live a rapid pace of life to conquer more knowledge. So, only[color=magenta] hurry这里用hurry不好给人急匆匆的感[/color]
[color=magenta]觉！ [/color]to go to places and get things done can make us more able to survive in the world.
Furthermore, as an old saying goes, "Time is as important as money". We should search a more
efficient life style. People usually have uncounted issues to deal with,
a great number of things need to learn from developing world, and also limited time just 24 hours
a day are available for them.
（这段1.people 是主语，后面三个是句子的一个成分，用and连接形成并列; 改怎么改呢?） If we intend to
succeed in doing something [color=magenta]that others can not do为什么别人不能做呢？逻辑！,[/color] we probably think
more and practice more, [color=magenta]句子分开[/color]only can we figure it out that if we can save more time from our
daily life. A recent survey conducted in 2008, there are nearly 70 percent of people who are
leaders of their fields, are hurry to go to places and get things done. [color=magenta]All of that is for save [/color]
[color=magenta]more time to focus on the things that they deem important.这句话要改！有语法错误[/color]
Admittedly, there are also some disadvantages to live in too fast pace. For example, results from
the fast moving pace,[color=red] we always forget where we intended to go, what we chased to get, and even [/color]
[color=red]the way back home.这个观点蛮新颖[/color] [color=magenta]Nowadays, it becomes a serious problem for modern people.这句话[/color]
[color=magenta]最好提前放第二句。[/color]
Obviously, we can draw the conclusion that although hurry to go to places and get things done
have a [color=magenta]detrimental这个词好[/color] effect on people's life, but the merits of it overshadow its
disadvantages, so I cling to the point that to the former one. [color=magenta]结尾可以适当补充[/color]。

回复7#小小蝎

写了50分钟，根本没时间检查了，感觉没发挥好，可能是最近课上晕了，嘿嘿嘿，借口 :)
Do you pay little attention to detail改为details while you were改为are hurrying through your assignments? Do you forget about your dates that you made改为fix while you were rushing through your schedule? Do you feel depression改为depressed while you were hastening through your life? [color=magenta]Nowadays living at a frantic pace with no regard of quality of work, impersonal relationship and health are being considered as necessary.再看看这句话是这样的吗？[/color] However, I would prefer living in a slower pace instead of quick pace. Among countless factors which influence my decision there are three conspicuous aspects as follows.
The most consequent point of my penchant for living in a slower pace is that I can finish my projects better. Before I tended to hurry in my reading [color=magenta]so that去掉 so that[/color] I hardly understand the passages deeply. My teacher told me that my quick [color=magenta]tempo改为speed较合适 [/color]of reading, to some extent, influence[color=magenta]加s[/color] my comprehension. Then, taking his suggestion I attempt to slow down the speed and pay more patience[color=magenta] to reading改为details in reading.[/color] Now I improve my reading skills and obtain high mark in my tests.
Another reason can be seen by every person is that there are heavy odds against your impersonal relationship if you live in a rush. In some cases, a friend of mine, Jaycee, is always forgetting her dates which she made and the things she agreed to do for her friends while she was hurrying through her agenda. Seldom do her friends consider her to be a reliable person. Provided she can slow her pace of life, she will not lose track of her friends.
Furthermore, the detrimental effects of the quick pace of life style upon the physiological and mental state of people have loomed so large. One authority on health of people, named People Health Organization (PHO), made a census that more than 80% of individuals who lead a quick pace life show some personality disorder, say, distress, disturbance, anxiety and the like. Moreover, according to a recent survey done by the organization, the average life expectancy of citizens who live in a shower pace are four years longer than that of people who live in quick pace.
Admittedly, quick pace does have certain advantages over slow one. People can do a large number of tasks in a limited time and [color=magenta]they may attain a great deal of achievement for these怎么证明？. [/color]
However, slow pace has more valuable merits for people. I therefore reinforce my standpoint to choose a slower pace to live as my final choice.

回复9#free_fly_wing

The question about taking an easy or a busy life has been discussed for a long time. Some people might enjoy life and get things done then take another thing, while others may just take their time and get easy life. From my personal angle alone, the later point of view [color=magenta]match什么意思？ my value of life.[/color] There are two reasons that I will use to support my idea.
First of all, busy life brings too much pressure and harm to our healthy. I have ever been to Tokyo three years ago, where people did everything in hurry. They walked in a speed of 12 km per hour in their suits,fulling of their agendas with a great number of businesses. They even didn't look around on buses inspead of thinking [color=magenta]about their own affects改为considering their safety i[/color]ssues. In this cittuation it’s not hard to understand the survey’s result: over 10,000 people killed themselevs. On the other hand, my travel to Lijiang, a small town at Yunan province of China, gave me a totally different feeling. Not only was I attracted by the beautiful views there, but also moved by their happy lives cosiste of natural singing, dancing and the picture of kids having fun with friends under the warm sunshine while adults reading books or watching movies. In this way, [color=magenta]there is no doubt that Lijiang could be selected as one the most happiest places around the world.这句话删掉，一是离题，二是仅从上面这点我们不可能可到这个绝对的结论。 [/color]Comparing the above two cities[color=magenta]不要离题写cities[/color], it’s obviously that, [color=magenta]busy life is harmfully 改为harmful to peoples’ daily life改为health.[/color]
The second reason I would like to mention is that busy work take our time to enjoy the beauty of life. Staying in a hurry life, more often than not, is keeping in the step of no rest work. Most [color=magenta]这段基本说的是busy而不是生活节奏快，有点离题[/color]。
people work for making lives while only 0.99% might work just for fun. So the other 99.01% earn money to buy food, to pay car or house, and the most important,to feel the joy of life. Hardly could I lost myself in a great novel with e-mails about business waiting for me in my hotmail box. I even couldn’t dream about a three days’ trip abroad because of so many things need to be done. So I couldn’t help wondering [color=magenta]whether I need to work so hard--work当然绝大时候要hard:)  [/color]that no time to enjoy my life? Or I could just earn enough money, staying at home without doing
anything. Are these two cittuation have any different to a person who never get the chance enjoy his/her life? Me, personally, I never discover the difference.
In conclusion, I can always take it for granted that easier and slower life is my lifelong
choice, which never changed. The life should be of our own, by our own and to our own.这句套用挺有新意！

回复8#yoyo

不用急，有人会帮你看的。:)

回复 69# 的帖子

谢谢班主任批示。。已经照着改过来了。。。我貌似有点偷换概念的问题，导致文章离题。。以后一定要注意！ 我在有离题可能的地方加了些衔接。。应该会好一点了。。
根据意见修改后：(红色是修改部分，蓝色是添加部分)
The question about taking an easy or a busy life has been discussed for a long time. Some people might enjoy life and get things done then take another thing, while others may just take their time and get easy life. From my personal angle alone, [color=red]the later point of view coincides with mine.[/color] There are two reasons that I will use to support my idea.
[font=Helvetica][size=10.5pt][/size][/font]
[font=Helvetica][size=10.5pt]First of all, busy life brings too much pressure and harm to our healthy. I have ever been to Tokyo three years ago, where people did everything in hurry. They walked in a speed of 12 km per hour in their suits,fulling of their agendas with a great number of businesses. [color=red]They even didn't look around on buses inspead of considering their safety issues.[/color] In this cittuation it is not hard to understand the survey’s result: over 10,000 people killed themselevs. On the other hand, my travel to Lijiang, a small town at Yunan province of China, gave me a totally different feeling. Not only was I attracted by the beautiful views there, but also moved by their happy lives cosiste of natural singing, dancing and the picture of kids having fun with friends under the warm sunshine while adults reading books or watching movies. [color=blue]Their flower-like smellings tell me how wonderful their lives are.[/color][color=darkorange] [color=darkorange][b]The more imporant is that settlers who live a busy life tell me that they often get ill. It is the easy lives in Lijiang bring them healthy body.[/b][/color] [/color] Comparing the above[color=red] two kinds of lives[/color], it is obviously that,[color=red] busy life is harmful to peoples' healthy.[/color][/size][/font]

[font=Helvetica][size=10.5pt]The second reason I would like to mention is that busy work take our time to enjoy the beauty of life. Staying in a hurry life, more often than not, is keeping in the step of no rest work. [color=blue]People in hurry to get their work done, appointted another work soon after the above one.[/color] According to a survey, most people work for making lives while only 0.99% might work just for fun. So the other 99.01% earn money to buy food, to pay car or house, and the most important,to feel the joy of life. Hardly could I lost myself in a great novel with e-mails about business waiting for me in my hotmail box. I even could not dream about a three days’ trip abroad because of so many things need to be done.[color=purple] [/color][color=darkorange][b]I have to run faster to pursue after the process of my jobs.[/b][/color] So I could not help wondering whether I need to work so hard that no time to enjoy my life? Or I could just earn enough money, staying at home without doing anything. Are these two cittuation have any different to a person who never get the chance enjoy his/her life? Me, personally, I never discover the difference. [/size][/font]
[font=Helvetica][size=10.5pt][/size][/font]
[font=Helvetica][size=10.5pt]In conclusion, I can always take it for granted that easier and slower life is my lifelong choice, which never changed. The life should be of our own, by our own and to our own.[/size][/font]

[[i] 本帖最后由 free_fly_wing 于 2008-5-1 10:23 编辑 [/i]]

回复50楼同学，

1，首先提个小建议，在写作的时候注意冠词的应用，这有可能是因为你想添加复数，但是却在写的时候忘记了。第一，二段和最后一段有这样的现象。

2,还有作文主要要求的是你的观点，最好的方法是把自己的观点放在前面，让读者一目了然，而不是我自己的观点只是捎带而过，应当尽量丰富自己想法的段落，而且越快切入主题越好，因为写作时时间有限，等你将前面铺垫好后，已经时间紧迫了。

3,还有就是应用谚语时，change 'every coin have its two sides' into 'each has its two sides'

继续努力，以上纯熟一些个人观点。

回复 72# 的帖子

牛牛的观点值得借鉴！:)

回复71#

首先表扬你积极的修改作文；
再指出一些不足：
正式写作中一些省略的写法都要写全；
如it's 要写成it is 正式表达形式

蓝色中你改的一句还是有问题：
The more important is settlers come from busy-life told me that they seldom got illness since they moved to the easy-life area.
应该为：
The more imporant is that settlers who live a busy life tell me that they often get ill.

这一句意思不清楚：
I have to accelerate my steps to run after my jobs

回复 74# 的帖子

谢谢班主任批改，已经用橘色改了
其实第一句是想说那些在busy life里身体不好的人在easy life中变得健康了。。
第二句，就是我不得不加速追赶工作进程。。。
:)

~~新手上路,请多指导

It's a universally acknowlege that "a person's meat is another's poison",which has proved that everything had both sides.Whether to be a person always in hurry or a peson  who consider  that the entainment of  slow pace of life is the utmost thing  depends on their different characters which may be influenced by customary, education and so forth.
There's  no doubt that most of us enduce the increasing presure with the  tremendous development in  curretly society  which cause us develop habit to adapt the fast-pace life.
As far as I concerned,the only way to utilise time sufficient is to enhance the pace as well as the quality which has been awared of .
First and foremost, It's a common sense to live in a hurry and to be always anxious to reach your objects because every minute counts in

回复 76# 的帖子

需要你先帮助别人改。
具体操作见此贴[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=11126&page=1&extra=page%3D1[/url]

班主任姐姐为什么7#完了就9#了啊？跳过我的了～是因为写的太烂了吗？:'(

回复 78# 的帖子

当然不会，我重点看了一下你的文章确实有些问题，我一一指出。:)

回复8#yoyo

Para1
In modern society, with the growth of economy, the rhythm of life [color=magenta]is also increases 去掉is[/color]
. A recent survey said that there are almost 80% people who are in[color=magenta] under-healthy改为sub-healthy[/color] condition due to stress caused by the accelerated a[color=magenta]去掉[/color][color=magenta]a[/color] speed of life. Thereby, I’m inclination to an unhurried pace of life.