查看完整版本: 4月17日发放作文题5

写的有点虚无缥缈的感觉。。狠拍吧！

[size=3][font=Arial]As most people would like to take time-machine to view the future life, I am here to consider a past period. Surely is the ancient Greak that I dream to travel back to. It was a time that thinking bump out. It was a time that wisdom was born. It was a time that the war of idea broke out or a feast of creation started.

The ancient Greak is the very beginning to know the universal. Without help of high-technique, but with abundant imagination and discussion. I might believed that the sky likes a ball while the earth was a cube, for observation that sun set up and go down from same situations all the day and the endless of land. On the other hand, I might trusted the earth is ball, and just walked toward a certain aspect I would back someday. To prove my view I could travel around the world by the guide of star. In the mean time, I got the opportunity to know different people in varies of places. Although that would be a hard time without high-tech’s help, I will always enjoy to discover the world at that early time.

[color=red]Further more, going there, the ancient Greak, to immerses myself into the sea of dissimilar opinions and follow a wise philosopher is my dream. [/color][color=black]I always wondering how interesting it would be if I could sit between Plato and other philosophers and listen to their discussion or argument. I could feel the collision of views and get new ideas from it. The ideas I got are not unilateral from one person but comprehensive. [/color][color=red]Learning new things and all-round thinkings are such great experience of a person’s life.[/color]
[color=black][/color]
[/font][color=black][font=Times New Roman][font=Arial]If I ever had a chance to travel back, I would never miss the ancient Greak, such a place full of brightness.[/font] [/font][/color]
[/size][color=black][font=Times New Roman][/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Times New Roman]麻烦各位帮忙看一下我红色标的那两句有没有主谓不一致的语法问题。。自己写的时候感觉有点晕。。。[/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Times New Roman]结尾是不是太仓促了呢？可是不会写了。。。各位小马们有没有好主意啊？多谢了！[/font][/color]
[color=black][font=Times New Roman]其他任何问题，都请大家狠拍了！[/font][/color]

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-4-18 20:34 编辑 [/i]]

感觉楼上几位写得好多啊。。。。我自己都不太知道写什么了。。
这个题目没什么思路啊。。。大家有没有好的意见？

回复 22# 的帖子

我也一样啊，思路很散呵呵。。。

拜托大家啦！

用了40分钟写的，速度还是不行呀……哭。
试做巴郎模考，发现时间真的是不够用呢。怎么办怎么办怎么办！！

With the chance to go back some time in the past, the third year in high school will be listed in my priority. For the sake of the fixed education system in China, each high school student is asked to take the entrance exam to college or university. To accomplish the goal in my future career, I have no choice but to make preparation as sufficient as possible to acquire access to university for further education after high school. The great efforts I have made as well as the precious experience in the whole year impress me a lot. Consequently, I wish to go back to the time when I was in my third grade of high school, if possible.

Firstly, motivated by great pressures of the entrance exam, everyone in my class studied with sparing no efforts, which makes me realize the enormous potential people own. In that days, I kept studying for an average of over ten hours every day even though sometimes I was truly exhausted. Long term work of brain practiced my persistence which was critical whatever job or career I choose. Moreover, I succeeded in mastering efficient study skills. For example, arranging limited time for at least five subjects need to be carefully plot and tried. By properly dividing the time into several sections, I found that efficiency of obtaining new knowledge and reviewing former lessons had been obviously raised.

Secondly, some affairs happened during that year and they are meaningful for every member in my class. A ceremony was routinely held for students in the third year when the average age of students was 18, which showed that the students became adult in Chinese custom. I still remember that day, I, with my classmates, dressed ourselves in suit and was gathered in an auditorium where the ceremony took place. We took pictures and laughed happily, which I want to experience once more if possible.

Also, I started to live in dormitory with other five members and it was my first time to live without my parents. Thus, I had to took care myself while I was busy with daily preparation for the exam.
Not only did I develop a more steady friendship with my roommates, but also I managed to live independently.

All in all, what I have gone through during that period let me more mature than before. Never will I forget about the valuable experience in my future. In addition, it is undeniable that both the great efforts and the sound friendship will help with my career.

[[i] 本帖最后由 colorfish 于 2008-4-18 20:32 编辑 [/i]]

绝对考前最后一篇...
几乎没用自己的模版,耗时不短,郁闷至极,但愿考试别这么背...
正文开始(越看越不像议论文...)
It goes without saying that it is the childhood that forms an essential part of a person' life . Perhaps the most memoriable place we miss most till today is our hometown . If asked where and when I can go back in the past , I would definitely choose my hometown where I bred and grew up.

First and foremost , it is a wonderful place where the environment are comfortable and harmonious . Since rural born and rural bred , I deserved a great deal of privlege from this beautiful paradise .Every morning the air is invariably fresh and contain the aroma of fragrent flowers and grass , and there is always drips on the leafs of which are diversity of beautiful and useful plants . When I sometimes got up early to do some cultivate works and stepped onto the soil I could enjoy the wonderful power from the nature . It is not exaggerated to say that the whole atmosphere is pretty friendly to human beings . While I get opportunity to obtain my further education in big cities and face the grey sky which is full of dust and poisonous gas emitted from both the industries and all sorts of vehicles , I never fail to miss my time when I spent and enjoyed in my hometown .

The above is only part of the picture , besides the life in my hometown is comfortable and relaxed It is undeniable that most of people in my hometown are farmers and workers who have little income , thus the living standard can not be compared with the modern citied citizens .However , their lives are relaxed and they have no necessary of worrying about the future works or suffering great pressure of fierce competition in hunting occupation . Even though they fail to deserve as same quality of education as the cities dwellers do , yet they are more friendly , kind heated and possess myriad of virtues of human nature , such as honest , diligence , thrifty ,humble , responsibilty and the list will go on , most of which are insufficient among people in metropolis . Playing with my friends and sharing both our happiness and frustrations , never do I feel any lonely . Nevertheless in big cities I fail to feel the warm and close relationship with others , every time I undergo the depression ,the only thing I can do is to find someone online with the computer and express my feeling in silent and chill way .

Every night seems long and boring and I have trouble to get into sleep in my dorm , I invariably remember the night I laid on the comfortable bed which made by my grandfather ,meanwhile listen to the saga and legends told by my grandmother carefully . Nothing the enjoyment can be compared with the childhood time I spent in my hometown . In conclusion , I would definitely choose my hometown if there is a time-machine can fulfill my dream .

[[i] 本帖最后由 hustla 于 2008-4-19 21:53 编辑 [/i]]

China, the country I was born in, with a long history almost five thousand years.[color=red]（这句的有问题，the country……同位语从句做插入语，去掉之后句子就没有谓语了，with 可以改成 owns）[/color] Through history class, I have a whole view of it, so, if I have got a chance go back [color=red]to[/color]some time and some place in the past, I will choose Tang Dynasty with no [color=red]hesitate[/color][color=red]（hesitation）[/color].
Firstly, Tang Dynasty, the most flourish dynasty of the [color=red]China's（改成Chinese，China‘s 是老外用的政治词汇，涉及国家主权啊，好像就是不包括宝岛的意思……）[/color] history in five thousand history, surely would seem the classical scene of people's life style in China which lasted for thousands years. Such as the male people working in the fields, while[color=red]（while 是conj. 你前面不是个句子）[/color] female are staying at home to do some house work and making clothes for the home, at the same time children are help their parents taking their cattels(livestock) in the grassland after school. [color=red]（这句话讲唐朝的事并应该用现在时吧）[/color]What a harmony and peaceful world! I have only heard or read that before but now it is the time to[color=red]（口语）[/color] see.
Furthermore, a noted poem producer named Libai live[color=red]（lived 李白爷爷仙逝好多年了呀）[/color] in Tang Dynasty that the person I want to see. The reason that I called him a poem producer is because he write [color=red]（wrote）[/color]numerous poems that handed down from generation to generation[color=red](from one generation to another)[/color]. I am fascinated in his works! His life is [color=red]full(去掉) [/color]filled with romantic[color=red]（romance）[/color], adventure, and [color=red]meaningful(这个是adj.也不能和名词并列哦)[/color]. He had traveled [color=black]a lot of[/color] （[color=red]a lot of 泛滥成灾了，最好换掉[/color]）interests[color=red]（改成tourist attractions）[/color] around China. The time when he was enjoying some beautiful scene, like huge and mysterious mountains, amazing water fall, even the precious friendship with his friends can be his original resources of writing poems. [color=red]（这句话仔细看就会发现有问题呀，主干是the time can be his original resources 时间是他的作品源泉？）[/color]Hardly can I imagine that such a person finished so much works[color=red]（works 是可数的，既然可数为什么用so much 修饰呢？嘿嘿，是不是在想so many ，不要用哦 不好，因为很多人用啊）[/color] during his short life. So, I [color=red]am dream（be 动词后面不能用原型）[/color]to have a chance to pay a visit to him.
Last but not least, people [color=red]who living in Tang Dynasty （这个不是从句哦，因为没有谓语）are consider(be动词后面哦)[/color] that female [color=red]people（去掉） [/color]are pretty when they are fat[color=red]（当时的看法不用现在时吧？）[/color], it is [color=red]the totally[/color] opposite side of people's view today. Do you think it is interesting that "The fatter, the better"?[color=red] I totally think so（不要用i think so, 太多人用了）[/color], so this is [color=red]also that（the other reason why）[/color] I want to have a look in Tang Dynasty.
All the discussion above is just a small scene of Tang Dynasty, but they are the essence of the whole dynasty, included the economic, the culture, the people's life style. We can have a[color=red](an)[/color] approximate view about it. So, if I [color=red]have got(口语) [/color]a chance to go to past, I will choose Tang Dynasty with no doubt.

惨了惨了，这么晚还没回家肯定被老妈骂死了:'(   没时间没时间了……

[color=#000000]wuhao5217195[/color] ，偶觉得你有一些习惯性的语法错误，明天再和你说吧。
偶滴一点愚见:loveliness:

[[i] 本帖最后由 evilscorpio 于 2008-4-18 23:58 编辑 [/i]]

回复 6# 的帖子

不好意思现在才改你的文章,前两天课太多
水平有限,说的不对见谅
首先感觉是重点不够突出,1-4段的字数都差不多,记得戴云老师说过,要突出重点首先要在字数上就要有区分,这一篇文章的1-4段字数相近就给人一种重点不够突出的感觉,也就是有些点多而不精,看完之后不能留下深刻的印象
建议把1 4 段字数减少,2 3段增加字数尤其是第二段感觉说服力不够,还需要增加例子或者数据之类的
第1段的diplomatic方面后面的段落中似乎没有提及，既然你后面没有涉及的话最好在开头就不要提，因为开头作为整篇文章的主题段，应该紧扣你后面所论述的内容
语言方面经过你自己改正之后我感觉没什么什么大问题了，而且我水平有限。。。。。希望对你有帮助

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2008-4-19 09:46 编辑 [/i]]

回复 9# 的帖子

终于有时间了，改一下9楼的朋友
建议你现在先别顾及字数，用有效的话和有力的论述把你的观点表达清楚就好了
其次建议你写完后贴到WORD里检查一下拼写和语法
China, the country I was born in, with a long history almost five thousand years.
China, the country I was born in, has a long history with almost five thousand years.

Through history class, I have a whole view of it, so, if I have got a chance go back some time and some place in the past, I will choose Tang Dynasty with no hesitate.
Through history class, I have a whole view of it, so if I have got a chance go back some time and some place in the past, I will choose Tang Dynasty with no hesitate.

China's history
Chinese history

Such as the male people working in the fields, while female are staying at home to do some house work and making clothes for the home, at the same time children are help their parents taking their cattels(livestock) in the grassland after school.
Such as the male people working in the fields, while female are staying at home to do some house work and making clothes for the home, simultaneously children are help their parents taking their cattels(livestock) in the grassland after school.

His life is full filled with romantic, adventure, and meaningful.
His life is full filled with romance, adventure, and meaning.

He had traveled a lot of interests around China.
He had experienced a lot of interests for traveling around China.

其他方面的问题就是表达很多比较口语化，不过可以通过多看优秀的习作还有新闻评论之类的文章来提高，平时多看自然就会进步很快
水平有限,共同努力吧

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2008-4-19 10:21 编辑 [/i]]

[quote]原帖由 [i]evilscorpio[/i] 于 2008-4-18 23:52 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=136651&ptid=11687][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
非常感谢仔细的批改呵
语法错误太多了....
:L 辛苦辛苦了~~~
我仔细再改看!
多谢了!~~

[quote]原帖由 [i]hys17[/i] 于 2008-4-19 10:19 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=136724&ptid=11687][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
我总算搞清了
原来WORD检测语法的个没设置好
....汗
非常感谢!
这些问题不能再犯了~!!

回复 4# 的帖子

No one could pretend nothing happened since he/she knows the gigantic number which could ruin the world for over thousand times            thousands times

文章要是有一个实例的话会更好 :loveliness:

个人愚见

嗯谢谢楼上的朋友,时间没把握好,否则还可以多写点的

回复 14# 的帖子

偶觉得你的问题在于你一上来就开始细节，所以你会觉得需要很多很多细节，比如你的第一个理由段，我觉得你的首句没有体现中心。如果改成我之所以这么热切地想回到那个年代是因为我想了解那个年代接受高等教育是多么多么的不容易，这样能使我更加珍惜现在接受教育的机会。然后在写一个你妈妈的例子，再加一点议论，这样中心突出，结构清晰，自然会知道需要的是哪些细节。你觉得呢？

呵呵 个人愚见:loveliness:

回复 17# 的帖子

开头要改写一下题目，不能直接照抄题目哦

There are many reasons why I admire Lincoln most, I will explain some important ones. 这句可以放到第一段的最后。

还有你文章中心是你想回到过去见林肯总统，后面写的是林肯总统的优点，所以你开头没有必要写经历内战，这个和中心无关

个人愚见:loveliness:

回复 16# 的帖子

偶觉得这个写得很好，嘿嘿 ……
只是我觉得第二个理由段和第三个理由段可以互换一下位置，字数和重要性第三理由段都应该放到前面

个人愚见:loveliness:

回复 35# 的帖子

谢谢你哦，可是我觉得我写的不像议论文的感觉，就是正式不起来啊。。。怎么办？如果没有模板就考试会不会出问题。。。因为时间好短，现在只能练习了。。。

回复2#的帖子

写得很好呵~~
又看到新颖的立意拉

I can escape from considerable pressure of work
这里considerable不妥吧?
还有inncent 也不太好 而且是怀念那段时光
第三段再扩展些
最后一段可以再写点
总结一下全文吧就
but although out faith in many of the thing in which our forefathers fervently believed has weaken, our confidence in travelling back in time remains the same as theirs
有点问题吧?

我水平有限呵....
最近好象只听说CNN被攻击了哦

[[i] 本帖最后由 wuhao5217195 于 2008-4-19 14:35 编辑 [/i]]

回复 25# 的帖子

总体感觉你的文章非常流畅，结构很工整，字数也很客观，想问问你是多长时间内完成的，偶水平有限，只看出这一句
Even though they fail to deserve as same quality of education as the cities dwellers do , yet they are more friendly , kind heated and possess myriad of virtues of human nature , such as honest , diligence, thrifty ,humble , responsibilty and the list will go on , most of which are insufficient among people in metropolis .
Even though 和but 不能用在同一句吧

回复 16# 的帖子

三四段好像意思有点重复，第三段说生活的simple，第四段把城市和乡村的生活进行对比，说生活要和谐，总感觉两者有交叉之处，不知道偶理解的对不对，是不是可以把两段合并呢，还是再把第三段丰富一下？

shorter temperaments 这里看不懂，更短的性情？还是什么别的意思？

浅薄了，望交流

回复 16# 的帖子

写的很有感情,而且流畅,我很喜欢,尤其是2段令人陶醉,第4段则发人深省
建议写完检查一下拼写,such as: frangrance  havn't  emplorder
其他方面感觉文章学术性不够强,不过TOEFL似乎也没有做这方面的要求,never mind~

[[i] 本帖最后由 hys17 于 2008-4-19 20:00 编辑 [/i]]