查看完整版本: 4月10日发放作文题4

回复 40# 的帖子

LS 用的是文本文档吗，最好下次先把格式调整一下便于看，谢谢！:)

回复 32# 的帖子

我第一次写，写的比较烂，没有人拍~~~~~

回复 2# 的帖子

先感谢你改3 楼的作文。
第一段很有新意，可以不删保留。
第三段这句话confuse me:
People should make decisions thoughtlessly when they have to which is the trigger of innovation. No one could deny the fact that every great invention or discovery involves numerous risks and finally becomes the thing that is memorized in everyone’s mind.
人们的发明创新真的是thoughtless吗？！还有后半句have to which is...有问题、你先自己看一下。

最后一段应该为：
Originally, parents make their children’s decision is for their own good.  However, making important decisions,, as a conclusion, is still necessary for every teenage boys and girls for the reason that they are going to face the reality ultimately no matter how their parents are trying to protect them.

回复 4# 的帖子

你的中心段supporting paragraphs的每一段开头thesis sentense（即每段中心句）太短了，就接着举例子了这样不妥。
如第二段：

First and foremost, parents’ wishes are not children’. Taking majors’ selection in university as an example. Both western and eastern parents take it for granted that lawyer or doctor is the first choice in the future job. 。。。
你可以加一些内容如：
...  wishes are not children's .Our parents usually have their expectations on us but unluckily, some of their wishes do not meet our satisfactions. ......

回复 10# 的帖子

你的作文读到第四段就让我confuse 了，知道为什么吗？
首先你肯定our parents should make important decision for us.但你的论点支持段即supporting paras 太单薄了几乎就是三个句子基本没有details and examples去支撑，这怎么行？

还有一个问题就是从第四段 nevertheless...你开始另辟话题说家长应以怎样好的方式去make decision但这个点你在第一段你的立场中根本没提到，这里出现了，结尾又强调了，这就首尾不呼应了。要么你开头就加上这点。

最后欢迎你的加入，别忘给楼上楼下作文提提意见。

[quote]原帖由 [i]heqiongsophie[/i] 于 2008-4-15 11:45 发表 [url=http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/redirect.php?goto=findpost&pid=135215&ptid=11437][img]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/images/common/back.gif[/img][/url]
你的中心段supporting paragraphs的每一段开头thesis sentense（即每段中心句）太短了，就接着举例子了这样不妥。
如第二段：

First and foremost, parents’ wishes are not children’. Taking majors’ selec ... [/quote]

多谢指出。。
是不是我那样写显得逻辑有断续呢？
我在改改
谢谢！

[font=Times New Roman]The day before yesterday, I encountered with one of my friends Jack and he complained to me that when confronting with the issue of whether to go to work immediately after graduation from university or to continue academic study as an alternative, without consulting with him will his mother make the final decision for him. Like Jack’s mother, worried about their old teenage children lacking the capacity of making significant decisions, a number of parents would like to make decisions for their offspring instead. However, [u]when well-considering the beneficial and detrimental aspects of this behavior, contrary to the choices of these parents is my sincere assent with the stand that children between 15 to18 years old should make their own decisions as soon as possible.[/u][/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Those parents who advocate the acts of giving judgments themselves as a substitute to their children overlook the truth that this kind of deed will lead to negative effects to the development of their children. Old teenage children who never make considerable decisions are able to forfeit the ability of critical thinking which is of great essence nowadays and required all but every career. To illustrate this problem, here is a persuasive example. My intimate roommate Ann is spoiled by her mother from the day she was born, and of course in no cases does she make her own decision. As a consequence, no matter what problem she faces, she has to turn her parents for help, even washing her clothes, let alone other critical issues.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]What is more, children in 15-18 are supposed to hold responsible for their statements and actions, however, those who rarely make vital decisions themselves have no awareness of the innate meaning of responsibility and therefore are not expected to be liable either. For instance, as what I have mentioned, Jack fails to give his verdicts on the pursuits after graduation from university, as a result, when he [u]follows his mother's resolution[/u], he has no idea about what to do and how to do well in his unfavorable field.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]As a matter of fact, it is necessary to ask parents for advices when old teenage children, lack of life experience, make their independent decisions. The successful or failing experience of their parents or other adult relatives can be a mirror to them. In order to gain the ultimate achievement, they had better to follow the route of those successful people.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]In short, judging from the convincing evidences presented and countless supporting reasons and concrete examples not involved, although there are several advantages of making decisions by parents, I maintain that it is old teenage children themselves that should make significant decisions with the suggestion from their parents and other adult relatives. [/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Make decision [/font][font=宋体]的替换词？[/font]
划线的两处的表达我那不太准，大牛们帮我看看，不胜感激！！

回复 2# 的帖子

第一段an amount of decisions错了，因为an amount of 后只能接不可数名词

第一段挺吸引人的，结尾有些仓促，可能 是时间不够了吧

30楼求拍！～谢了啊:)

相互学习，共同进步啊！：）

While  television  has  been  some  what  negative  infurence  of  our  lives . but  presum  that  mention  the
television  has  destoryed  communication  among  friends  and  family , personally  this  opinion  is  worng  .
Actually, television  has  facilitate  communication  among  people . Through  watching  TV , people  who  acquire
more  information , and  people  possess  more  topics  to  talk  about .

  Undeniable , television  to  liberal  our  lives , we  must  be  admission  watching  TV  is  a  primary  part  of  our
daily  life . Watching  television  provides  happy  and  relaxed  to  us . Addition , television  progams  has  encou
-rage . Communication  amongy  people . Tow  year  ago  summer , I  with  some  friends  through  the  television
to  watch  the  the  world  cup , football  games  was  wonderful  and  exciting . World  cup  become  a  common
-ication  and  we  obtain  joy .

  On  the  other  hand  television  program  can  provides  some  advices  to  encourage  communication  among  
people . Last  summer  hoilday , I  saw  a  television  program , this  program  introdeed a  small  town  located
in  France . The  place  is  beautiful , so  I  decided  with  my  friends  to  the  small  towm  for  travel . Our  like
this  small  towm  because  it  has  very  charming  ocean  view . I  mean  the  sky  there  is  so  blue  and  the
beach  is  alway  full  sunshine  of  the  beach , when  the  sun  is  setting  down , when  the  ocean  breeze  is  
blowing  and  seabirds  are  singing . Of  couse  we  like  this  small  French  town  also  because  there  are  
many  great  French  restallrants . They  offer  the  best  seafood  in  the  world  like  lobsters  and  tuna  frishes .
We  are  enjoy  this  French  small  towm . This  trip  to  facilitate  the  communication  between  us .

  Finally , the  television  urge  people  to  communication  with  the  otherone  although  sometimes  the  televisio
-n  program  inevitable  tigger  negative  effect , nonetheless  television  is  have  positive  significantce  for  people
life . Therefore , I  disagree  that  television  has  destroy  communication  among  friend  and  family .

回复 45# 的帖子

太谢谢了，我写的逻辑确实有些乱，我会改进的~~~~

It is quite clear that decisions, as we know, are fairly crucial to one’s life because decisions make people go forward. At the same time, there is a serious controversy that whether critical decisions for their older teenage children should be made by others such as parents, other adult relatives. Some people believe that oneself should make one’s decision no matter how old the one is. However, others advocate that the children can’t make decisions for themselves because of their lack of experience. There is probably something true in both sides, yet as far as I am concerned, people should make their own decisions even if they are teenage children.

On one hand, the earlier a person makes decisions by himself, the earlier he can gain the ability of making the best decisions for himself. The time of becoming a good decision-maker is vital to one’s life. Accordingly to a recent survey, the older a man is, the more cost a man should pay for failure. That is too, although the person who is very young can’t make the best decision or even he gains failure as a consequence of a wrong decision, the cost of the failure is less because at that age of him, the decision he makes is less essential than that which is made when he becomes an adult. Thus, depending on the statements above, why do not people study the ability to make the best decision when the tuition of such study is low?

On the other hand, making determinations by oneself decrease the opportunities for him to complain others and be less responsible for himself. Take a classmate of mine, Jack, for example, Jack is a person who always follows the adults’ decision and complains to them once the decision made by the adults is identified as a determination that leads to a bad result. Nevertheless, sometimes it is perhaps an excuse, isn’t it? Maybe the not successful consequence is not come from a wrong determination but his laziness. And he would not try to find something wrong in himself but always try to attribute his failure to others who make decisions for him. In a word, if others are not willing to make decisions for their children, the children will make less complaint on others and more responsibilities to themselves.

Certainly, thanks to more experience of adults, they make better decisions than children because of good results. However, is this really the truth? Let me take one of my friend for example to confirm my point. Mary whose career was determined by her parents is now bored with her career as a doctor and not happy though she is very wealthy due to the career. Hence it is quite clear that a great result that the adults consider perhaps does not fit for the child’s interest and makes the child depressed.

Now, from what has been discussed above, we may safely arrive at a conclusion that to make decisions by the older teenage children is essential to themselves due to the good impacts on them owing to making decisions by themselves.

回复 7# 的帖子

7#的文章一直没人批啊.... 希望没有影响你写作的积极性啊 :lol
总体还是分厂不错的, 错误很少, 正反两方面论证, 7#还是颇下功夫的
首先开头, 个人感觉字数有点多, 有点罗嗦, 我觉得应该消减一下把字数分给3,4段把你详写的部分再厚实一些.(but 和 on the other hand重复)  我在楼下将戴云老师写的这个topic的开头分享给大家, 你可以借鉴一下.
第二段 我个人认为第二段, 和倒数第二段可以合并, 都是让步一下, 来使问题分析更为全面, 文章更有逻辑. 但是7#要尽量主次分明, 我认为你详写的两段不够详细. 比如chairman mao 的例子, 只说了mao自己做了决定然后成功了, 什么决定 give more detail 详写的地方一定要论证充分.希望我抛砖引玉能对你有所启发

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-4-16 01:46 编辑 [/i]]

回复 52# 的帖子

文章很好啊,  我很喜欢你的写作风格, 可能是我们的方格差不多吧:handshake
所以很抱歉没拍出缺点来
有一点, 觉得例子personal experence多了些 第二段最好加个名人的例子
想了半天觉得在光绪帝小的时候, 慈禧太后垂帘听政的例子很贴切, 可是不太好写, "垂帘听政"我想了半天也没有什么好句子来翻译, 表达起来总是感觉别扭, 中国的成语还是博大精深啊:lol  不知其它小马们有什么高见

回复 50# 的帖子

首先, 文章的topic应该是4月3日发放的, 应该把贴子发到这里
[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-11128-1-1.html[/url] 方便大家一起学习
文章单词拼写错误实在太多, 比如towm worng televisio  otherone  significantce  presum infurence.... 希望以后先用word纠错后再发上来, 也方便别人给你批改, 大家就可以集中注意力看你其它方面, 而不是检查单词拼写错误的问题上.
其次, 文章字数不够, 病句也很多
Through  watching  TV , people  who  acquire
more  information , and  people  possess  more  topics  to  talk  about .
应该为 people  who  acquire more  information by watching TV can obtain more topics to talk about
we  must  be  admission  watching  TV  is  a  primary  part  of  our
daily  life  应该为
we must admit watching TV has been one primary part in our daily life
望仔细检查一下, 再去看看大家都是怎么写的, 扩充一下, 发到
[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-11128-1-1.html[/url]
我们再帮你看.

回复 30# 的帖子

这么好的文章怎么没人拍啊!  我来吧!
一看第一句, 第一个单词就知道是S.Y的学生, 倍感亲切啊!!
第一段, 第二行While nowadays, people........ 改为while, nowadays, people 文章确实有些跑题, 主要是文章在几个关键的地方切题做的不够好. 稍微改一下就ok了. 第一段最后加上 Therefore parents should let their children make the decision by themselves.(点题!切题!)
第二段第一句: Only by the decision which people make by themselves, teenager......
第三段同理, 往题上考, 此文章的topic不是 Should parents support their children's decision?因此把第三段的 topic sentence换掉  Gump的例子还是不错的正好和第二段的例子呼应, 一正一反说明你的idea
第三段 people in the town 改为 people of the town 或 people who live in this town
文章字数少了点建议在家一段反面观点的, 可以参照其它小马们的文章

转载戴云教主的经典开头和大家分享

很多小马们的开头写的都不是很好, 很赘述, 我们看看戴云教主是如何开头的

[b][size=3][color=indigo]According to a recent statistic on the internet, the number of single-child family occupies 75 percent of Chinese families, and undoubtedly has the tendency of increasing. It follows that parents of other adult relatives may likely pay more attention to their children, for the reason that the energy of parents has been saved a lot compared to those who own several children. Some people insist on making decisions for their children, considering that they are too young to judge. However, others believe that there is hardly any necessity to help so that children will cultivate the capability of analyzing inportant problems. From my perspective, I completely agree with the latter idea.[/color][/size][/b]
[b][size=3][color=#4b0082][/color][/size][/b]
[b][size=3][color=black][i]注意文章的是如何利用[color=black]recent statistic on the internet[/color]引出自己的观点的[/i][/color][/size][/b]
[b][size=3][color=#4b0082][/color][/size][/b]
[b][size=3][color=black][/color][/size][/b]

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-4-16 03:48 编辑 [/i]]

回复 54# 的帖子

谢谢你了  哈哈  终于有点信心了  原来完全没信心的  我也觉得我却名人的例子  可是脑子里的东西是在不多  看来以后得补一下了

回复 53# 的帖子

呵呵, 谢谢,  这两天看了戴云教主的2-1型, 正好是您给我提出的问题, 应该把第二段和倒数第二段合并, 作为一个整体的第四段. 非常感谢!

第一次发文章~

是第一次发文章哪，下个月就考……拜托大家多指教了！！

[font=Times New Roman]There is a controversial statement about the topic that whether parents or relatives should make critical decisions for the teenagers whose ages range from fifteen to eighteen. Some people believe that parents’ ideas about choices may be the ones that always seem to be right since they have gone through far more circumstances and obtained more experiences than their children and thus they make better decisions when come across several problems. However, on the other hand, the others’ opinion which I am agree with shows that people should quit the habit of relying on other family members to help them make decisions when they have grown old enough. [/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Firstly, the reason why teenagers should decide what they want to have or quit is that people can acquire sense of responsible from the process of decision making. When people are still young children, parents tend to do everything for their children and plot perfect blueprints in their mind, which should close to an end once the children have become mentally mature, because there is a tendency in some teenagers that they incline to keep depending on parents. Encouraging them to make decision themselves can motivate the sense of being adults, which leads to direct realization of responsibility to future career. What’s more, it is convinced that with the decision made by teenagers themselves, they appear to be more active in the following action to support that what they have decided is right, thus more efforts will be taken.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Secondly, making decision itself is a process of gaining experience. It may approve to be a hard work when teenagers make their first serious decisions especially the ones that will influence their later careers. However, no matter whether the consequences of decisions are ideal or not, teenagers will conclude the gain and pay in the decision-making process and tend to perform better in the next decisions. Sometimes, though an immature decision may cause serious problems later, teenagers can learn from the failure and get stronger from the frustration.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]It is undeniable that parents help a lot when their teenagers try to make decision. Parents can provide their enormous experiences and analyze the possible outcomings of a certain decision. Whereas, all these are ought to be completed with the participation of the teenager and avoid monopolizing the final decision just as what happened when the children are still young.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman] [/font]
[font=Times New Roman]All in all, it is the teenagers that will be responsible to their future careers. Consequently, senses of responsibility have to be developed early in human life, at the same time, sufficient experiences of making both successful decisions and the ones that are not very sound may be earned. Certainly, the importance of sharing experience with parents cannot be omitted.[/font]