查看完整版本: 好心人来帮我改改作文啊!急!!!!!!!!!周日就考去了.不胜感激!

好心人来帮我改改作文啊!急!!!!!!!!!周日就考去了.不胜感激!

题目:成功是否全靠努力工作,没有一点运气的成份.

Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever would take a exam next day and found there was a lot of task had not been done,for you spended much time in playing games with your friends in your junior or senior school? When you have to cramp for tomorrow`s test and dreaming a luck day would come,did you feel dispair? people who always working hard would not fall into the troubles like this(and a lot of people do).

If you never have experience like this,you would never know how important the hard working is!

Fist of all,opportunities favors ready head,it takes hard work to get ready. A good case in point is the process of  famous invention,lightpulb,by Thomas Edison.When edison intempted to find justable materialas,the filament,he failed one time and another.After failing more than one thousand times,edison eventurally found the greatest material.Just as edison said”there is no substitute for hard work”,such dilemma we often meet in daily life.

Second,even people with inherited talent need hard work to achieve succes. Sushi,for instance,the most einment literator in china`s history,was born in a family which had well literure atmosphere.His father,suxun,was one of the eight greatest literator in Tang and Song Danisty.Shi was educated extraordinarily well and his talent was presented in his childhood.However,shi did not give up working hard for a long period of time.In the end,he rose to fame as literator and artist for his poems and poses,surpressed his father in the history.

The last not the least,luck may help a very small percentage of people,but not the majority.One of the greast early writer said:luck,in actually,helps rarely with people`s successes.

Today when we are arueing that whether people successed depend on louk or hard work,we should not forgot what a famous chinese philosophy,confucius,address”every great idea and successed deprived from hard working.

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第一段明显是模仿新概念3的那个洗钱的~~

第一个例子 和我的一样
呵呵

第四段 atmosphere 作气氛不好 ambience better
einment单词拼写错误surpressed his father in the history. 首先没有surpress这个词 是不是想说surpass超越?
第五段 全是空话, 给人凑字数的感觉, 举个例子吗 楼主上文几个例子都很恰当,为什么这个就不继续了吗?略写不代表不写啊!还是要support your sub points.

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-26 03:27 编辑 [/i]]

我是LZ

首先谢谢大家对我的文章提出的宝贵意见.
我还有2个问题想问大家,我作文首段的确是模仿新概念的一段,不知这种办法可不可取?
  还有,如果想不到恰当例子该怎麽办?

                                                                                                                         谢谢!