查看完整版本: 我写的一篇作文，请大家多拍砖哈

我写的一篇作文，请大家多拍砖哈

[align=center][align=center][b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]Is progress always good?[/font][/size][/b][/align][/align][b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]Some people believe that progress is always good for the simple reason that it brings us ample materials, while others may argue that every coin has two sides[/font][/size][/b][b][font=宋体][size=15pt]：[/size][/font][/b][b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]accompanying with the advantages there comes some disadvantages. From my personal angel alone, the latter point coincides with me.[/font][/size][/b]
[b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]To be honest, the great contribution technology provides us a variety of goods. What we consume today can never been imagined by our ancestors. Accompanying with this, we also suffer from the huge changes. The Industrial Revolution turned a new page of history: the efficiency of producing is obviously improved. Today, traveling all over the world is no longer a daydream. Thanks to the invention of airplane, we can get to anywhere if we want. However, it is also true that everyone suffers from it[/font][/size][/b][b][font=宋体][size=15pt]，[/size][/font][/b][b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]for the pollution it brings. Some pollutions have developed to so serious that they threaten our survival. For example, desertification, greenhouse effect ,etc. All these environmental problems have contributed to destroy the ecology balance, and they even do great harm to our health. [/font][/size][/b]
[b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]For another, the progress of society accelerated our pace of life. Sometimes we may feel lonely, because we lack in time to communicate with others. People who work 50-60 hours per week hardly have spare time for recreation. As we live in the space of ourselves, the inimate between friends disappeared, substaned by a feeling called strange. Abundants become strangers, trust lost its pedestal.[/font][/size][/b]
[b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]What’s more, as some people can not resist the tempt of money, some dishonest , or even deceptive behaviors appears. That goes against our traditional virtue: honest comes first. World without honest is like flowers without sunshine. I would rather to go back to primitive epoch without deceptive and discard the
modern materials. I t’s high time for us to think about the loss and gains from the progress.[/font][/size][/b]
[b][size=15pt][font=Times New Roman]As mentioned above, progress brings us a lot, but there are also some inharmonious factors. Progress is not always perfect, for paradise is a place where the sky is blue and our hearts are calm. Each individual should be tied with others in the world. Compared with the adequate goods in the shopping mall, I would like to live in a small village ,simple but tranquil.[/font][/size][/b]

[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-3521-1-1.html[/url]

第一段最后 angel楼主是不是想写angle? 换成viewpoint更好
第二段 建议从however另起一段 However, it is also true that everyone suffers from it，for the pollution it brings. 最为这段的topic sentence 这样文章显得更为整齐具有逻辑.
Some pollutions have developed to so serious that they threaten our survival .有问题首先pollution 不可数 其次 整个句子结构很混乱. 更具楼主大概意思,将其改为, Pollution problems are increasingly endangering the survival of the human race. 然后3,4段 应该合为一段, 说得都是一个意思 第4段最后deceptive 应该为deception .n  
后面的 It's a high time.......

回复 3# 的帖子

谢谢小艾的不吝赐教.在下深受启发.原来自己的毛病还不少，:-)最后的 It's a high time.......意思是“这真是到了该......的时候了”是我们上新东方的时候老师教的。不知道有什么问题么？请赐教:)

回复 4# 的帖子

嗯我知道那是经典句式 你笔误没打'a'
好伤心啊 我看的这么仔细才发现的错误.......
下次写作文仔细些啊  考试的时候争取留五分钟检查多读几遍, 大家都是自恋狂,自己打的东西总是很难发现错误 呵呵~~我也是  所以更要多检查

回复 4# 的帖子

嗯我知道那是经典句式 你笔误没打'a'
好伤心啊 我看的这么仔细才发现的错误.......
下次写作文仔细些啊  考试的时候争取留五分钟检查多读几遍, 大家都是自恋狂,自己打的东西总是很难发现错误 呵呵~~我也是  所以更要多检查

lz....一定是庄重的学生吧。。。n个庄重讲过的经典句型。。。
我觉得整体的论述挺好的
不过我个人一直有个问题：庄重讲的那些超级经典的句子用在文章中会不会显得很奇怪很突兀呢？。。。有时候我自己写完了看，就觉得写着写着平平淡淡的事，突然蹦出一句很经典的什么话。。。感觉很不适应。。(纯属个人疑问，不是说楼主这样写很别扭)

回复 7# 的帖子

给你看看我分析的一篇李笑来的文章, 可能会对你如何使用经典句型有所启发!
[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-10294-1-1.html[/url]

也就是说经典的东西要和文章内容联系在一起，而不是被一个整的经典句突然的放在文章中。
看来是还是要背经典句式，而不只是经典句子啊！
不过个人觉得李笑来老师的文章结构和逻辑性还是挺值得学习的。以前不知道怎么样算有逻辑，现在觉得，那些有什么转折，因果之类逻辑关系词用一用，就可以让文章显得联系表较紧，比较有逻辑了

回复 9# 的帖子

嗯 逻辑性是你的作文拿3分的前提!

此帖已被收进<托福写作课堂精品贴子汇总(同步更新)>的精品互批版块中, 望楼主继续努力.

回复 6# 的帖子

呵呵，谢谢指点啊，感激不尽。小妹我一定苦练作文，争取高分！

回复 7# 的帖子

是的，我是重重哥的学生。我也有一样的感觉，觉得他教的有些东西用起来感觉过于妖娆了。但是总体来看还是不错的，如果自己适当把握一下，不要太过不自然就好。:-)

回复 13# 的帖子

嗯。。。听庄重讲课有神乎其神的感觉。。。回家以后还是自己踏踏实实的总结阿
加油啊！

建议 在第一段把正面观点凝结成词组,直接点名.后面几段在按此进行分析.:D

嘿嘿，我也是庄重的学生哈，他太有人格魅力了，又那么有才华，不过感觉上完他的写作收获不是很明显，我觉得准备写作应该还是要把重心放到话题归类，分类整理例子和优美语言上去，我当年高考作文就是这样速成的，感觉还不错~~
你的文章已经把庄重教的套路用得很熟了哦，8错8错，赞给^^ 不过个人还有几点小意见，
1）Progress is not always perfect, for paradise is a place where the sky is blue and our hearts are calm放在最后一段是不是有点突兀了呢？因为你前文是按polution, walls between people, lost of honest分点写的，如果把I hope sky is blue和polution对应，heart is calm和walls between people对应，分别作为各小段的分论点引领各段，是不是在结构上显得更工整严谨些？
2）个人认为第三点谈honest可添上康德关于道德品质重要性的名言，或者改为lost of self awareness更好举例。比如谈谈快节奏的生活让我们变得功利了，浮躁了，很多美好的品质丢失了，不再去亲近文字，古典音乐，艺术。
3）另外还可以加上一点health problems，随便举个来自survey的关于high cholesterol, diabetes, sleepnessless的数字都很有说服力。
4）还有最后一段结束的有点突然，应该总结一下上文谈到的观点的哦~:)