查看完整版本: 兄弟姐妹们帮忙批下作文~ 不胜感激~

兄弟姐妹们帮忙批下作文~ 不胜感激~

第一次写 是topic9的 （在大城市住还是小城镇住）
希望大家能给我评价一下 给些建议~谢谢
   Whether people should live ina small town or ina big city, various people have entirely distinct perspectives due to their different experences. As for me ,I strongly agree with the oipinion that people should live in  a small town.And there ate asubstantial amount ofreasons , which can easily found , but the followings are sufficient.
   First and foremost, it is acknowleged that there is less pollution and noise in a small town than in a big city.I prefer to close the nature,such as walking in the yard, relaxing on a  cozy bench and do exercises putside  by breathing the fresh air.If I live in a city ,I will not do this things which is beneficial for me. Moreover ,there are birds' singings intead of cars and lorries ' noise. Only in this circumstances ,can Irelax and have a good dream . In short ,it is a healthy way of life that people live in a small town .
   In addition,  ther are beatiful and charming natrwal viw\ews ,wi\hich can make people release their stress,in a small town .whenever I want to have a good time in order to relax, I can have  more choice to choose. For instances, I can clime the hill with my friends. With my family members ,  I also can fish and  have a clinic beside the river .Consequently, it  is a joy of life that one lives in a small town .
   Last but not least,every coin has two sides . Living in the small town would present me some troubles ,which need not be take serious .The most trouble is the unconveniece traffic,which can cause the difficulty in calling at friends and having a journey.
   In conclution, my favor goes to the opinions that the best choice is living in the small town . Although it may bing a little unconveniences,it would present me a peaceful ,quiet , clean place to live .Therefore , I believe that the comfortiable way of life is living in the small town.

[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-3521-1-1.html[/url]

第一行 两个ina 分开 in a
第二行 experience 不可数  oipinion 应是opinion   ate应该是are  打字的问题吧
第三行 asubstantial 分开 a substantial  ofreason  分开 of reason
              which can easily found 被动的话 应该加个be   which can be easily found
第四行 acknowleged 拼写错误 acknowledged
第五行 close to  nature 接近大自然 少了个 to
              ... and do exercises ... 应该是doing 和前面的谓语保持一直 都是v-ing
             putside  你想表达的是put aside？
第六行 i will not do this.... 鄙人愚见 你想表达的是在城市不可能有像小城镇的环境让你去做
       可是will 表达的是意愿 句子的意思成了我不愿意去。。。不太妥当我暂时想不出怎么改
       singings 那个不可数 改成singing  intead 拼写错误 instead
第七行 Irelax 分开 I relax 去掉前面逗号
第九行 natrwal 拼写 natural   
       ther are beatiful and charming natrwal viw\ews  view 不可数且拼写错误 there拼写错误 前面are改is
             which拼写错误
第十行  I can have  more choice to choose. 我觉得有点重复 有更多选择就可以了 to choose去掉   
        clime是气候的意思 climb
第十一行 beside the river  改成by the river  可能更好
第十四行 unconveniece 错  inconveniece
第十六行 In conclution 改成 in conclusion 拼写错误


你的作文套路基本上是
a+  a+&b-  a-
建议改成
A+ A+ B- 条理会清晰很多
一般a+ a+ a-是你实在没论据的选择 很多老师都不推荐的              

1、我相信很多是打英文不熟练的问题
2、时态 被动语态 缺词
考试的时候要留点时间检查

[[i] 本帖最后由 端木·宇 于 2008-3-16 17:38 编辑 [/i]]

回复 3# 的帖子

谢谢~ 我会继续改进的呵呵呵

楼主给出了三点 sub points 结构也很合理,很不错. 但是最后一条sub points 太简单the idea only developed partly  给人以凑字数的感觉,  楼主要么去掉这段,然后更好的develop 2,3短 或者丰富第三段,加个personal experience 就可以了 比如 I vividly remember I want to watch a movie last month, but I met a terrible traffic jams..........
不管写多少个 sub points 写了就要 fully developed 要不就不写 切忌罗列空洞的sub points 凑字数

[[i] 本帖最后由 qifeihu 于 2008-3-17 02:07 编辑 [/i]]

回复 5# 的帖子

谢谢！ 我会注意的