查看完整版本: 帮忙修改作文啦

帮忙修改作文啦

[size=14pt][font=Times New Roman]Topic: What is a very important skill a person should learn in order to be successful in the world today? Choose one skill and use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.[/font][/size]
[size=14pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size]
[size=14pt][font=Times New Roman]To be a successful person in the future world is truly not an easy task, which requires a bunch of skills. As the famous saying goes “One thing that never changes is change itself." It is especially right in the 21st, which is said to be an era of information explosion. Along with this information explosion are the changes taking place at any place at any time. No doubt the prior skill that a person should learn in order to be successful in the world today comes to adapting to changes. Only in this way can one keep pace with the developing world, survive in the so-called information explosion, and at best make his fortune out of this indispensable skill. [/font][/size]
[size=14pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size]
[size=14pt][font=Times New Roman]Those who don not realize the importance of adapting themselves to changes are doomed to be dumped by the forever-on-the-wing time, not only because their way of living is no longer appropriate or suitable to the changing environment around them, but also because they have missed the potential opportunities lying under every change taking place. [/font][/size]
[size=14pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size]
[size=14pt][font=Times New Roman]"Who Moved My Cheese" is a bestseller all over the world. The moment it was released, the book soon gave rise to a heated debate. I read it on-line and was greatly impressed by the simple story through which the author presented to his readers a commonsense that emphasizing on the importance of adapting to changes. The little mouse who recognized the essence of change and adapted to it soon found its favorite cheese, while his fellow friend who personally refused the fact of change, was trapped in his thought and got nothing in the end. As we students, what we have learned in college are perhaps just principles and formulas written in the books. And when it comes the day we put our theories into practice, the first concern will surely be adapting to the inevitable changes, otherwise, we will find that no matter how hard we have tried, no expected result can be achieved.[/font][/size]

The opening para is a little longer so it makes the body paras seemingly weak.
You can make the para1 short and clear.

[url]http://www.xiaomaguohe.net/bbs/thread-3521-1-1.html[/url]

suggestion: 楼主应将第二段展开成若干段 每段一个sub point  组成essay 的Main body 部分  这样才接近美国的学术论文的形式. 同时压缩 Introduction(开头) and Conclusion(结论段) 好的文章框架结构是能否将分数提到3分以上的前提.如何写出地道的北美学术文章 登陆[url]http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/index2.html[/url]
美国名校普渡大学的写作技巧,非常使用
[url]http://lrs.ed.uiuc.edu/students/fwalters/toeflwrite.html[/url]
美国著名大学UIUC网站的学习资料(针对TOEFL Writing)

To be a successful person in the future world is truly not an easy task, which requires a bunch of skills.
这句话是有问题的，但不敢说错得多离谱。which引导的从句显然是在说一个"hard task"，可是前边的先行词却是"easy task"。在口语中这也许可行，但是作文中应该避免。给你三种改法：

改法一
To be a successful person in the future world is truly not an easy task and requires a bunch of skills.
改法二
It is definitely not an easy task for one to be successful in the future world since this would require a bunch of skills.
改法三
Requiring a bunch of skills, it is definitely not an easy task for one to be successful in the future world.

另外由于这句话内容上非常弱智，所以我不打算继续评点下边的内容了。