查看完整版本: 人生第一篇托福作文的改进版~ 请赐教！~

人生第一篇托福作文的改进版~ 请赐教！~

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[font=Arial][size=2]Live life at a slow pace will bring a lot for our life. With the development of the industrialization of our country, the pace of life has been more and more intense. [color=red]Although[/color] this pressure seems to be inevitable, people living at a frantic pace, in my opinion, are really too tired and boring. [color=red]Therefore[/color], I choose to live and enjoy my gentle life, which brings me the beauty of my existence, gives me the chance to taste the process of my job, and make me healthier. [/size][/font]
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[font=Arial][size=2][color=red]Firstly[/color], the happiness of our life depends on both us and others. In order to realize the value of our life to people surrounding us, time and space are required to make us slow down and take a step back [color=black]to[/color] think about the relationships between us and our relatives. [color=red]For example[/color], my study has never afflicted me, since however difficult it is, I always use my spare time to communicate with my friends and family, during which I feel deeply the value of my existence, which is the genuine emotional interaction with others. It is the slow pace of life that gives me more such opportunities. [/size][/font]
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[font=Arial][size=2][color=red]In addition to[/color] the enjoyment in spare time, living at a slow pace means we will possess the happiness of success from our work as well. However, this feeling depends on how you work and your attitude towards the process. [color=red]Honestly,[/color] I used to be a workaholic, at that time I try to organize myself intense to gain as many as results from the finished work. I found that I had had a lot results, but few of them are valuable. Later, I tried to render me slow down and analyze the way of my life and the way I work; I was astounded to find the truth that we indeed need to think during working process in order not to be trapped by the temporary feeling which is just an illusion. [/size][/font]
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[font=Arial][size=2][color=red]In fact[/color], it is beneficial for our health to choose the slow pace of life. Since we can adjust our schedule whenever on the basis of the body condition, we will achieve a balance between us and the surrounding environment.[color=red] There is a adverse example[/color]. I'm sorry to mention that my professor spent one month in hospital because of his tough agenda last year. [color=red]Generally[/color], those who choose to live an enjoyable life are still experiencing increasing stress from this accelerating society. As a social person, I think life is the most important thing in the world, which needs a slow pace.[/size][/font]
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[i][u][font=Times New Roman][color=red]the original composition[/color]:[/font]
[/u][/i][font=Times New Roman]Live life at a slow pace will bring a lot for our life. With the development of the industrialization of our country, the pace of life has been more and more intense. Generally, those who choose to live a enjoyable life are experiencing increasing stress from this accelerating society. Although this pressure seems to be inevitable, people living at a frantic pace, in my opinion, are really too tired and boring. Therefore, I choose to live and enjoy my gentle life, which brings me the beauty of my existence, gives me the chance to taste the process of my job, and make me healthier.
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[font=Times New Roman]My study has never afflicted me, for however difficult it is, I always use my spare time to communicate with my friends, family and my lover, during which I feel deeply the value of my existence, which is the genuine emotional interaction with others. It is the slow pace of life that gives me more such opportunity.[/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]Honestly, I used to be a workaholic. I found that I had had a lot results, but few of them are valuable. Later, I tried to render me slow down and analyze the way of my life; I was astounded to find the truth that we indeed need to think during working process in order not to be trapped by the temporary feeling which is just illusion. [/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]Lastly, to be subject, it is beneficial for our health to choose the slow pace of life.[/font]
[font=Times New Roman]Since we can adjust our schedule whenever on the basis of the body condition, we will achieve a balance between man and the surrounding environment. I'm sorry to mention that my professor spent one month in hospital because of his tough agenda last year. [/font]
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[font=Times New Roman]As a social person, i think life is the most important thing in the world, which needs a slow pace.[/font]
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[[i] 本帖最后由 gl0099 于 2008-3-15 11:19 编辑 [/i]]

我吸取了大家给的宝贵建议，
加了transition words  
精简了一些首段
扩充了主体部分
。

不知道效果怎么样。   哇 ，原来作文很有趣  呵呵。

hehe, this time is better.
But check your first sentence that has a grammatical error.
Living. at slow pace...is ok.

thank you very much!

我很久没有看名词“单复数”了，有点忘了，
比如说，more such opportunity 就错了   但是我想的是，such opportunity 是指上文的  opportunity 所有我就没有改为复数。

怎么解释呢？

那就one such oppotunity
因为oppotunity 是可数名词，一般不特指,都用复数形式的。:)

:)  这样啊， 谢谢啊！